Unsure About Accepting Date With Guy In Wheelchair

[Anonymous]

Dating is nothing more than an agreement to get to know someone. It's not a commitment to a relationship. You said you're attracted, so meet up and enjoy. If you find that there are aspects of a relationship that you are unwilling to take on, then don't enter a relationship with him.

There is a much older man who is interested in me. If and when he ever decides to ask me out, I know I'll say yes. Our interactions have been fun. Thing is, I'm a single mother of young children and simply don't have the bandwidth available to take on caregiving for a partner, so I don't see it going anywhere long-term. That's no reason to say no to a date though. Even a date or two.

Hell, OP, we might both surprise ourselves and find good company in these men!

Please let us know how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't date someone in a wheelchair. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with that. I want certain things in my life (outdoorsy/active type of person), and while it may not be a marriage proposal unless you're in your 20's or not planning on getting married anytime soon why waste the time. If my SO ended up in a wheelchair that is another story, and in sickness and in health. But to start my life off by crossing out the ability to do anything on my "bucket list", no thank you. But if it works for you OP go for it!

Outdoorsy, you say?

Kevin Connolly - photographer, writer, X Games monoski champion:

http://kevinmichaelconnolly.com/2010/02/x-games/

This dude did over 300 miles of bike trails to raise awareness of the need for accessible trails and outdoor spaces:

http://www.grindtv.com/culture/meet-man-traveling-300-miles-wheelchair-accessible-trails/#mKy6Es8zlIk11F6A.97


Or Kyle Maynard - quadruple amputee, summited Everest w/out prosthetics, go a Nike ad: http://www.teenvogue.com/story/kyle-maynard-nike-ad-quadruple-amputee-everest-climb

You can date or like or not like whomever you want, but your impressions of people with disabilities make a lot of assumptions and are stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you rule out all disabled people off the bat, you are ableist and the exact reason people don't disclose.

And that's fine, be ableist if you want. But stop trying to act like a good person. You're no different than a racist who tries to justify it.

As someone who is biracial, this is bullshit, and not at all a comparable analogy.

It's more like saying if you don't want to date people who share your same sex, that it makes you homophobic.

It's not a crime to be drawn to what you're drawn to. Being disabled doesn't have carry weight concerning the type of human being you may be, but it does matter in terms of compatibility. To not say so is being factitious. I'd find a person who was open, honest, and up front about it confident and probably even sexy. Bringing it up later? I think it's kind of a dick move. And yes, people with disabilities just like all people, can be dicks.

The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability.

No, it is pretty much the same. It is a broad, sweeping brush as if all disabilities are the same and you'll automatically be incompatible with all of them.

The same is true if someone is a smoker, has kids from a previous relationship, is gay, or transgender, or bi, or age bracket, or whatever. No need for any filters at all because otherwise you're making sweeping categorizations about comparability

Or religion, or education level, or ethnicity, nationality, interests, or any category or detail.

Having any parameters at all means you're making sweeping categorizations about compatibility. No one should list any of these details about themselves in their profile, lest you judge them, and you should always give them a try in online dating.

But putting all of that in a profile is unrealistic. The OP's date was honest with her before they ever met.

It doesn't sound like you know anything about online dating, as all of that is generally already on someone's profile, by the questions one answers dictated by the site. When you search profiles, most of the above are already in parameters so you can filter out/in qualities that are important in a partner. All of us have characteristics that are important in filtering out people we'd be interested in dating with long term goals. It makes you a bad person if you judge their character, but you're not a bad person for wanting to know these things as a simple matter of compatibility.

Yes, OP's date did tell her he was in a wheelchair, but after they made plans. I think that's obnoxious. Lots of people are up front about things about them that are less than ideal, and should be candid before making plans.

Also, people with disabilities aren't delicate snowflakes that need to be handled gently with special gloves. People in a wheelchair are like everyone else - they can be confident and insecure. They can be honest or dishonest. They can be jerks or not jerks. Waiting to disclose being in a wheelchair until after you make plans is a jerk move.

OP again.

Initially I was concerned that he didn't tell me about the wheelchair right away. But after hearing his explanation last night I don't really count it against him. Apparently he used to make it obvious in his profile that he was disabled and he got zero interest. As soon as he took the stuff about his disability away he got tons of interest. He said he normally tells women in the first 2 or 3 messages and he typically gets ghosted after that. Or he gets women who agree to the date but never show up. I'm only the 2nd woman who has actual met him for a date. He did apologize for not telling me sooner, but he liked me and was hoping that if I got to know him a little first the wheelchair thing wouldn't be a big deal. Maybe not totally honest, but I kind of understand his side of things.
He's not a jerk. I think he's like a lot of 30 somethings in this city just trying to find someone special.

[Anonymous]

Dating is nothing more than an agreement to get to know someone. It's not a commitment to a relationship. You said you're attracted, so meet up and enjoy. If you find that there are aspects of a relationship that you are unwilling to take on, then don't enter a relationship with him.

Exactly! Glad you went on the date. Please keep us updated!