losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Could she be depressed?

[Anonymous]

Consider this book and associated online forum:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004W0IRQ8/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1471377424&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=athol+kay&dpPl=1&dpID=51NbAMC5UFL&ref=plSrch

http://marriedmansexlife.vanillacommunities.com/

[Anonymous]

OP pay no attention to the weirdos encouraging you to force yourself on your wife.

I can't even begin to put myself in her or your shoes, but I just wanted to say I'm really happy to see that you're trying to find ways to avoid being an asshole instead of jumping at the opportunity. I hope you can get through to her.

[Anonymous]

Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband could have written the same thing. After having two kids, the press of work, errands, childcare, etc. just took over our lives. For him, sex was something relaxing and rejuvenating. For me, it was another chore to add to the list. What I didn't realize was that for him, sex = love. He needed it in order to feel loved and appreciated. I got my emotional needs met through all the things you mentioned - his participating in chores, childcare, hand-holding, etc.

Once I realized what it meant to him, it was motivation for me to change. You CAN get your marriage back on track.

NP - this is similar to me and what happened in our situation was that I knew DH wasn't happy with my lack of interest, but I didn't really know HOW unhappy he was until he really laid it out one day asking whether the problem was with him or what he could do. I felt terrible and made a more conscious effort to work on figuring out how to get my libido back. It hasn't always been easy but things are getting better, and hopefully as the kids get older and I'm feeling less exhausted and less touched-out at the end of the day it will continue to get better. Maybe getting back to how we were as teenagers is unlikely, but we can hope

[Anonymous]

PP here and I am reading all of your responses and from what I can tell, but correct me if I am wrong, you have no intentions of addressing your unhappiness in the marriage (sexless, no real passion, her not doing really anything special for you, like your Birthday, etc) mainly because you don't want to hurt her feelings or cause her discomfort/guilt, etc? You say you have a sex drive, but have not had sex in 3+ years and are perfectly okay with staying on this path, no questions asked....but would rather find "other ways to deal with it"....I really have to question your representation of your sex drive. Anyone with a REAL sex drive would not view this so mildly. It is okay that you don't have much of one, but you should really just admit this. Maybe you are okay with little affection and no physical intimacy and that is perfectly okay! Many marriages work where both parties feel this way. I also wonder if part of her attraction, want for sex, etc comes from your own lack of interest? I am a female and I can tell you that my husband makes it loud and clear when it has been too long and so do I...it makes us both realize that we still want one another, that in itself is important, it makes us more than roommates. I am not saying be aggressive, but seriously you should take a bit more charge. You do come across a little like a doormat and I can tell you that is not sexy, women start to loose respect, just like my husband would loose respect for me if I constantly just sat back and never spoke up . I do respect your stance on taking your marriage vows seriously and that you have a commitment/ responsibility, etc, but you admit later on in this thread that you are feeling sad, depressed and don't really want to be around your wife, if you think that is okay and you will just remain father of the year/husband of the year forever under these conditions, I would question your reality and mental health. I know you say you don't hate her now, but seriously what you just said is the beginning of it....it will begin to spiral and at some point it will spill over onto your kids in a variety of ways....you can keep trying to tell yourself that you need strategies to just "deal", but that is only a band aid and eventually those strategies will ware off and you will be asking for more to "deal" w/ it and eventually nothing is going to work, except for really addressing what is happening inside of you and what is really happening inside of her. You can choose to wait it out, but I am not really sure you both will be better off, or your kids. IN conclusion, I feel as though you not only have a sexless marriage, but you also don't even have an emotional connection. You are both just two people in the same house being parents and if you are fine w/ that, then don't try and find "strategies", just accept it for what it is and never think of it as something that will get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

I don't think that is really plausible; there is no substitute for sex for most men. All you are really going to be able to do is distract yourself, temporarily, from how bad the situation is making you feel. That path ends in you checking out of the marriage, as it sounds like you are already starting to do. It's more rational to try to change the situation if there are levers you have not yet pulled to do so (counseling being the most plausible), or just cut bait now. The current situation is just not sustainable, IMO, and I don't think there are really any techniques to make it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here and I am reading all of your responses and from what I can tell, but correct me if I am wrong, you have no intentions of addressing your unhappiness in the marriage (sexless, no real passion, her not doing really anything special for you, like your Birthday, etc) mainly because you don't want to hurt her feelings or cause her discomfort/guilt, etc? You say you have a sex drive, but have not had sex in 3+ years and are perfectly okay with staying on this path, no questions asked....but would rather find "other ways to deal with it"....I really have to question your representation of your sex drive. Anyone with a REAL sex drive would not view this so mildly. It is okay that you don't have much of one, but you should really just admit this. Maybe you are okay with little affection and no physical intimacy and that is perfectly okay! Many marriages work where both parties feel this way. I also wonder if part of her attraction, want for sex, etc comes from your own lack of interest? I am a female and I can tell you that my husband makes it loud and clear when it has been too long and so do I...it makes us both realize that we still want one another, that in itself is important, it makes us more than roommates. I am not saying be aggressive, but seriously you should take a bit more charge. You do come across a little like a doormat and I can tell you that is not sexy, women start to loose respect, just like my husband would loose respect for me if I constantly just sat back and never spoke up . I do respect your stance on taking your marriage vows seriously and that you have a commitment/ responsibility, etc, but you admit later on in this thread that you are feeling sad, depressed and don't really want to be around your wife, if you think that is okay and you will just remain father of the year/husband of the year forever under these conditions, I would question your reality and mental health. I know you say you don't hate her now, but seriously what you just said is the beginning of it....it will begin to spiral and at some point it will spill over onto your kids in a variety of ways....you can keep trying to tell yourself that you need strategies to just "deal", but that is only a band aid and eventually those strategies will ware off and you will be asking for more to "deal" w/ it and eventually nothing is going to work, except for really addressing what is happening inside of you and what is really happening inside of her. You can choose to wait it out, but I am not really sure you both will be better off, or your kids. IN conclusion, I feel as though you not only have a sexless marriage, but you also don't even have an emotional connection. You are both just two people in the same house being parents and if you are fine w/ that, then don't try and find "strategies", just accept it for what it is and never think of it as something that will get better.

Hi,

Thanks for the response. I have been in this situation for years. I have done a lot of work towards trying to get back to a healthy sex life but at a certain point in all things in life you realize when you have met defeat. I am at that point. No, I am not ok with it, I feel dead inside and have for a long time. I am not trying to spare my wife's feelings or be passive or be a doormat or any of those things. And I certainly have taken charge when it comes to initiating but it does nothing unless the other person wants to. What I am trying to say is that I have done everything I have the power to do to try to change the situation with no positive response.

I am not passive in my life. I make the family decisions, make good income, manage the household and kid's discipline, not a terrible lover (I don't think?) etc. I am not, sorry for the language ladies, a "pussy" in my house. I just can't get through this barrier with my wife. I don't want to divorce my wife over this, that is not fair to my kids, to alter their lives to meet my needs, so I was just looking for some support from others in my boat. Ejecting from the thread as it does not seem like there are any suggestions outside of trying to get the sex back, get divorced or stay unhappy Thank you all for your time, I do appreciate all of the responses.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs who say that you will not be happy in this relationship without the sex part. You may think you are content/OK with feeling dead inside, but one evening at the bar after a couple of drinks things will go further with a colleague or a friend, and the cheating that you never thought you will do will surface.

[Anonymous]

Figure out how to give her orgasms. You wouldn't believe the number of wives who fake it.

[Anonymous]

Get some on the side or divorce. I'm staying for the kids and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

"Suzy, we need to talk. I think we both know that we have a problem. We haven't had sex in 3 years, and it's taken a serious toll on our marriage. We are essentially roommates, and that's not good enough for me. If you are unwilling to try to improve the situation, then I think we need to figure out how to consciously uncouple...because I'm not going to spend the rest of my life like this."

Say that, and report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/191490-ted-talk-about-sex-starved-marriage.html#/topics/191490?_k=qjgisg

The sex starved marriage in Ted Talks...watch this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

I don't think that is really plausible; there is no substitute for sex for most men. All you are really going to be able to do is distract yourself, temporarily, from how bad the situation is making you feel. That path ends in you checking out of the marriage, as it sounds like you are already starting to do. It's more rational to try to change the situation if there are levers you have not yet pulled to do so (counseling being the most plausible), or just cut bait now. The current situation is just not sustainable, IMO, and I don't think there are really any techniques to make it so.

This is true...it will only work for a few months...the you'll cheat or divorce

[Anonymous]

The strategy is to do what you are doing....I am in your boat and all I do is be the best dad and husband I can be and just live with my marriage is not what I wanted. I am not sure what other answer there is. You said you accept it and you know you are defeated. You also said you don't hate her and your kids are not effected, so to me it sounds like you have a hold on it!!