losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

[Anonymous]

There is no answer .

[Anonymous]

Um, have you suggested marriage counseling? If she refuses then at least you should go see a counselor. You shouldn't have to live this way. I feel like if you've given up then you're going to eventually look for sex outside the marriage, even though you say you won't cheat. Never say never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, have you suggested marriage counseling? If she refuses then at least you should go see a counselor. You shouldn't have to live this way. I feel like if you've given up then you're going to eventually look for sex outside the marriage, even though you say you won't cheat. Never say never.

I have suggested it but I am not sure it will really do anything. It's not really rocket science and I don't think you can talk someone into wanting to have sex. I think we have a good marriage so I am not sure if there are any underlying issues, at least none that is apparent to me. She is very happy with our marriage from what I can tell and she says it all the time, I just think she has given up on sex. I am a very open and communicative person, so I have shared what I feel and asked what she needs from me both in conversation and in writing, but nothing really comes of it. I guess a 3rd party could lend some gravitas to the discussion?

[Anonymous]

Tell her if she doesn't stop withholding sex you'll get it from someone else.

[Anonymous]

What is her reason for never having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for never having sex?

This. I'll assume you used to have sex when dating. What changed for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

Divorce or be a good husband in a sexless marriage (that means caring about her day, wanting to spend time with her). Don't think you're doing your kids a favor by being this new "you" around your kids.

My parents were in a sexless marriage and I wish they'd divorced!!! Food for thought. So sorry. What you are feeling is natural.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why anyone in a union would choose this set up, and if you say kids, I still don't get it!?! How does one not become a "shell" of their form self when this dynamic starts to play out and how does one remain a decent parent? I know myself well enough to say that if I were in this situation I could NOT be the best parent to my children. If you sit back and just let it continue you are giving one another permission to carry on like this forever really. Are you asexual? Do you have low drive? I am just trying to understand a man who is 40 is fine with saying they will live w/ no sex for the rest of their life? Can you elaborate on that? Also, you say you won't divorce because of the kids....okay, so after the kids leave the nest, are you planning to stay w/ a person that you don't even want to be in the same room at this point, god only knows how you will feel about her in another 10+ years...I don't know how old your kids are. Do you think you are being a "better person" for waiting until the kids are older to divorce?

[Anonymous]

To be clear... she doesn't do anything for you. (Leave the no sex part out.) You are saying she does nothing for you or with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her reason for never having sex?

It changes all the time. Tired, work, frustrated, not feeling good, not feeling sexy, need to go do something. The list is literally endless. That is why its not so much about the sex, I have resigned myself that it isn't going to be there. It's more about how do I try to manage some level of interaction with her. I don't really want to go get it anywhere else to be honest, I don't want sex, I want sex with her. I guess I could tell her I might try somewhere else but I feel that that would just make the relationship worse becuase she would not be ok with that but I don't see it having any impact on her.

[Anonymous]

If you and your wife want to stay together for the kids she needs to consent to you picking up a side piece or two. You have needs and she isn't meeting them.

[Anonymous]

PP. Or maybe an open marriage where you are respectful and discrete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear... she doesn't do anything for you. (Leave the no sex part out.) You are saying she does nothing for you or with you?

No, she does some stuff with me and to some extent for me, but they are things like laundry and that kind of stuff or things that are beneficial and fun for her/family with me being part of the family. She's not a horrible wife or a bitch or anything, but I can't really think of anything that she has done for me recently just because she knows I would like it or it would mean something to me. Case in point is the birthday dinner. There is nothing wrong with going out to a nice dinner, but it really had nothing to do with me or what I would have wanted, just that is a nice generic thing to do on birthdays if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

Divorce or be a good husband in a sexless marriage (that means caring about her day, wanting to spend time with her). Don't think you're doing your kids a favor by being this new "you" around your kids.

My parents were in a sexless marriage and I wish they'd divorced!!! Food for thought. So sorry. What you are feeling is natural.

That is what I am trying to do, find strategies to be a good husband. I am trying to see if anyone has advice on how to do it. I don't want to feel this way, trust me.