losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband could have written the same thing. After having two kids, the press of work, errands, childcare, etc. just took over our lives. For him, sex was something relaxing and rejuvenating. For me, it was another chore to add to the list. What I didn't realize was that for him, sex = love. He needed it in order to feel loved and appreciated. I got my emotional needs met through all the things you mentioned - his participating in chores, childcare, hand-holding, etc.

Once I realized what it meant to him, it was motivation for me to change. You CAN get your marriage back on track. Try the 30 day sex challenge, or at the very least, read His Needs Her Needs, and do the associated workbook. Worst case scenario, it will help you understand what you need in a future relationship even if this doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear... she doesn't do anything for you. (Leave the no sex part out.) You are saying she does nothing for you or with you?

No, she does some stuff with me and to some extent for me, but they are things like laundry and that kind of stuff or things that are beneficial and fun for her/family with me being part of the family. She's not a horrible wife or a bitch or anything, but I can't really think of anything that she has done for me recently just because she knows I would like it or it would mean something to me. Case in point is the birthday dinner. There is nothing wrong with going out to a nice dinner, but it really had nothing to do with me or what I would have wanted, just that is a nice generic thing to do on birthdays if that makes sense.

She does nothing for you. Continuing to be a "good husband" is the same as being a "doormat".

This has nothing to do with sex. She has checked out. Track her phone. Go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband could have written the same thing. After having two kids, the press of work, errands, childcare, etc. just took over our lives. For him, sex was something relaxing and rejuvenating. For me, it was another chore to add to the list. What I didn't realize was that for him, sex = love. He needed it in order to feel loved and appreciated. I got my emotional needs met through all the things you mentioned - his participating in chores, childcare, hand-holding, etc.

Once I realized what it meant to him, it was motivation for me to change. You CAN get your marriage back on track. Try the 30 day sex challenge, or at the very least, read His Needs Her Needs, and do the associated workbook. Worst case scenario, it will help you understand what you need in a future relationship even if this doesn't work out.

Hi,

Thanks for the response. I have shared this with her, did the love languages thing etc. I will look at the two resources you mentioned, thank you for the recommendation. Out of curiousity, how did you make the change once you realized what was going on. I think my wife knows because, well, I have told her directly Did you have any tools that you used to help get over all of the things that you listed?

[Anonymous]

OP- is she affectionate with you? Does she want to kiss, hug, hold hands, hold you in bed? Or are you completely without any physical affection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- is she affectionate with you? Does she want to kiss, hug, hold hands, hold you in bed? Or are you completely without any physical affection?

Basic have good day kisses, rarely any passion. She does like to hug, hold hands, cuddle etc but that doesn't really do much for me. So not totally devoid of physical contact totally but affection is mostly politely married, not erotic.

[Anonymous]

14:32 here.

I wish I had a better answer for you. My husband had also told me how he was feeling, but I didn't really "hear" him until we started counseling and he indicated to our marriage counselor that he was 90% done with the marriage. Something about hearing it in those terms made me really hear him and understand him. I think before I had been dismissing him more as "yeah, having little kids sucks and is hard on a marriage, but put on your big boy pants and suck it up, it will get better."

I don't want to tell you to threaten your wife, but I think you need to make absolutely certain she hears you - that she knows under no uncertain terms that this is a deal breaker for you. She may not be willing or able to change, but at least you will know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you and your wife want to stay together for the kids she needs to consent to you picking up a side piece or two. You have needs and she isn't meeting them.

That is so much easier said than done, and I'm not referring to the permission from his wife part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand why anyone in a union would choose this set up, and if you say kids, I still don't get it!?! How does one not become a "shell" of their form self when this dynamic starts to play out and how does one remain a decent parent? I know myself well enough to say that if I were in this situation I could NOT be the best parent to my children. If you sit back and just let it continue you are giving one another permission to carry on like this forever really. Are you asexual? Do you have low drive? I am just trying to understand a man who is 40 is fine with saying they will live w/ no sex for the rest of their life? Can you elaborate on that? Also, you say you won't divorce because of the kids....okay, so after the kids leave the nest, are you planning to stay w/ a person that you don't even want to be in the same room at this point, god only knows how you will feel about her in another 10+ years...I don't know how old your kids are. Do you think you are being a "better person" for waiting until the kids are older to divorce?

Hi,

I got married and I believe in it. I am not religious at all but I do take my responsibilities very seriously, and this is a responsibility I committed to. I did not enter is lightly and I won't abdicate it unless it is absolutely necessary. I have a very healthy sex drive and I knew that I am much more sexual than my wife when we got together. I was fine with that but I am not fine with where things have devolved to. I don't want a divorce, my kids are young. And I do think I can be a good parent to them, like I said, I don't hate my wife. If I start to turn into a shitty father becuase of this situation then I will revisit, but for the time being I am just trying to find ways to work on being fulfilled in the construct I have, not change the construct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:32 here.

I wish I had a better answer for you. My husband had also told me how he was feeling, but I didn't really "hear" him until we started counseling and he indicated to our marriage counselor that he was 90% done with the marriage. Something about hearing it in those terms made me really hear him and understand him. I think before I had been dismissing him more as "yeah, having little kids sucks and is hard on a marriage, but put on your big boy pants and suck it up, it will get better."

I don't want to tell you to threaten your wife, but I think you need to make absolutely certain she hears you - that she knows under no uncertain terms that this is a deal breaker for you. She may not be willing or able to change, but at least you will know.

Thank you for sharing, this is helpful. That was one thing I was thinking when responding to another post, maybe going to counseling will make it more real and substantive. I think she gets it but doesn't really get how much of an impact it is having on me.

[Anonymous]

Does she have an O? or should I say, did she, in the past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear... she doesn't do anything for you. (Leave the no sex part out.) You are saying she does nothing for you or with you?

No, she does some stuff with me and to some extent for me, but they are things like laundry and that kind of stuff or things that are beneficial and fun for her/family with me being part of the family. She's not a horrible wife or a bitch or anything, but I can't really think of anything that she has done for me recently just because she knows I would like it or it would mean something to me. Case in point is the birthday dinner. There is nothing wrong with going out to a nice dinner, but it really had nothing to do with me or what I would have wanted, just that is a nice generic thing to do on birthdays if that makes sense.

She does nothing for you. Continuing to be a "good husband" is the same as being a "doormat".

This has nothing to do with sex. She has checked out. Track her phone. Go to counseling.

Thanks, I am 99.9% sure she is not getting any side action. She just isn't sexual enough for that to be an issue plus I know she is too busy to be squeezing it in at work. I agree I feel like a doormat. The birthday thing feels like it lifted a huge curtain that has been there for the past few years. It feels like I am looking at the whole situation with new eyes, which is why I am feeling awkward and depressed being around her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:32 here.

I wish I had a better answer for you. My husband had also told me how he was feeling, but I didn't really "hear" him until we started counseling and he indicated to our marriage counselor that he was 90% done with the marriage. Something about hearing it in those terms made me really hear him and understand him. I think before I had been dismissing him more as "yeah, having little kids sucks and is hard on a marriage, but put on your big boy pants and suck it up, it will get better."

I don't want to tell you to threaten your wife, but I think you need to make absolutely certain she hears you - that she knows under no uncertain terms that this is a deal breaker for you. She may not be willing or able to change, but at least you will know.

But it looks like this is actually not a deal breaker for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have an O? or should I say, did she, in the past?

She does as far as I can tell. I have always asked her for things I could do better but she she has never said anything. Also, the rare times we have had sex it has been on her terms, IE she has things that I know she likes so I do them and near as I can tell she has orgasms from them. Very scripted sex and if I try to deviate she pulls back to the norm. She says that is what works for her.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14:32 here.

I wish I had a better answer for you. My husband had also told me how he was feeling, but I didn't really "hear" him until we started counseling and he indicated to our marriage counselor that he was 90% done with the marriage. Something about hearing it in those terms made me really hear him and understand him. I think before I had been dismissing him more as "yeah, having little kids sucks and is hard on a marriage, but put on your big boy pants and suck it up, it will get better."

I don't want to tell you to threaten your wife, but I think you need to make absolutely certain she hears you - that she knows under no uncertain terms that this is a deal breaker for you. She may not be willing or able to change, but at least you will know.

But it looks like this is actually not a deal breaker for OP.

It is as close to a deal breaker as I can get. I just have to be 100% positive that I want to break the deal, so far I am not quite there yet.

[Anonymous]

14:32 again. This is why I highly recommend His Needs, Her Needs. Going through the inventory helps you understand what is most important to each other in terms of what "fuels" the marriage. At the very least, if sex is towards the top of your list (and it is for most men), it would force her to acknowledge how important it is to you and then she'd have to make a conscious decision to either meet your need or not meet your need.