losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we have talked about our sex life she ends up crying saying she is a bad wife etc.

Make this happen daily until she decides to be a good wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever we have talked about our sex life she ends up crying saying she is a bad wife etc.

Make this happen daily until she decides to be a good wife.

The "woe is me, I'm a bad wife" -- followed up by no action to do better is just emotional manipulation on her part to get you to shut up. Like a woman crying to get out of a speeding ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once they had kids they cut off their hair,

The mommy-bob is just the worst.

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem since kid #3 we're down to 2-3 times a month. Always makes excuses. Side piece is justified, right?

[Anonymous]

I was in your position and I told my wife I was thinking of divorce. It shocked her into action. Things aren't great now but they are better than they were. We are both trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Figure out how to give her orgasms. You wouldn't believe the number of wives who fake it.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to be so explicit but you do know that many women can't get off on penetration alone right? Maybe she is one of those women. She might not even know what she likes herself. Maybe she thinks lackluster missionary is as good as it gets. I've seen it before on these boards. You have to try to be more generous to work this out. Do you go down on her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she likes sex on vacation because, like so many women, she feels the burden of everyday responsibilities are heavy and exhausting, so her sexual side is pushed to the backburner. Do you do enough in the partnership and household, OP? You probably think you do, but you could go the extra mile. And don't make it about bartering. That makes women feel pressured and like prostititutes.

And if she doesn't want to do things sexually that don't feel good to her, who can blame her? You're a million times easier to please than she is. I get a sense that she feels sex is just one more demand on her, one more way to feel inadequate, and that you make it too much about you and you don't make it worth her while. You shouldn't have to guess whether she enjoys it.

If sexual enjoyment was limited for you, and you had no satisfaction or enjoyment from 99 percent of the activities your partner wanted to inflict on you, and then they begrudged you the one way you could get off, and you were exhausted and overextended on top of it, yet they made you feel like a failure and bad partner, yeah, you'd cry too.

OP here. Thanks. I do as much if not more of the the responsibilities at home and with the kids. Honestly the only thing I don't do is the laundry, becuase I always seem to do it wrong. I do cooking and most clean up, equal share of childminding. I don't want her to do things that she doesn't want to, that isn't the point. I have tried all the ways I can think of to NOT make it about me but about us, but it doesn't matter. I have never begrudged her about wanting it one way, just that there are other ways that I would want to do it. I have tried every way possible to make sex about her, but she won't allow me to. I always asked what I could do, is there something you want me to do or stop doing and its always I don't know or no.

I get and fully expected that sex falls on the back burner when you are married and even further back when you have kids but I did not ever imagine it would just die. I would be fine with 1x a month or even less, if she would just engage me like my wife. That is all I want really. She does in the ways that satisfy her, cuddling, talking, holding hands, but won't physically. I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to, it just kills me inside that she no longer wants to.

So she only wants it one way. Maybe she feels like you're pressuring her to do other things that make her uncomfortable and thus she (subconsciously or not) avoids sex altogether? Can you be happy just doing the one thing for the rest of your marriage if it gets you laid once a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Figure out how to give her orgasms. You wouldn't believe the number of wives who fake it.

+1

+100 the majority of women are horrible in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I have been in a sexless marriage for 3+ years. Really it has been longer but I always rationalized and made excuses for the her during the time prior so I would count it as 3 years. In the past few weeks I have pretty much just given up and don't really have any interest in my wife, sexually or otherwise. I am not mad at my wife, I don't blame her or think she is being a bitch or anything so not trying to be vindictive or feeling victimized, but in the past few weeks I just don't really care that much about her. I still love her and value her but what I mean is I don't really have anything to say to her, I don't really care about how her day at work was etc. I sat downstairs and watched tv while she was upstairs for the first time in like 5 years, I just didn't feel like spending my time with her. She asked what is wrong but of course like all other people in a sexless marriage I can't really tell her becuase she will break down crying and do the usual I am not being a good wife that she has always done when we have talked about our sex life in the past. So it really tough because I am clearly behaving differently but I can't really tell her why. I just say everything is fine and that I am tired but honestly I just don't really feel like being around her, not because I am mad but it almost feels awkward for me.

To head off some of the responses. We have an otherwise good marriage from what I can tell. I am a good husband, work hard, do my share of house and child care, bring her flowers, try to make her happy the best way that I can. We don't really fight and overall get along well. I have put on a few lbs since we started dating but no more than 10 so not like I fell apart completely. Really the bottom line is I turned 40 and she didn't do anything that I would have liked to celebrate it. We went to a nice restaurant, which was great but not what I would have chosen to do and then we came home and went to sleep. I had let her know previously (and she would have known in no uncertain terms) that the thing that she could really do to celebrate my 40th would be to have a night where she was an active participant in our sex life and that we could have a night where we were not just two people that lived together. I guess when that didn't happen it pretty much just snapped the last chord I had tethered to her as a wife, not a roommate. I also realized in hindsight that 80% of our marriage was me driving it. Date nights, trying to make her happy etc. When I took a step back I realized she really doesn't do anything related to our marriage at all. She works and does a lot so not suggesting she lazy or doesn't do anything, she works very hard and I respect that, but when it comes to the energy of the marriage and such it has all been me, and after my birthday I just don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

The goal of this post is not really about the sexless marriage, it is looking for strategies that some others in my shoes may have used to try to stay engaged and relatively happy in the marriage without the sex. I know the focus on yourself and make yourself happy stuff and I do that for the most part. Just wondering if you have strategies for how you manage regular interactions with your spouse if you feel like I do, which I assume there are others that do. Really I just don't feel like doing anything with my wife. I feel like she is just kind of there. I have kids so I won't divorce or cheat etc.

Advice appreciated!

. DW here. With 3 kids and a full time job I could go for weeks without thinking about sex. My husband was frustrated coz it was important for him. He expressed his displeasure but it just didn't click with me. Then one day he looked at me with the most serious face I have ever seen and said "I love you but lack of sex is not working for me and I CANNOT take it any more" He didn't mean divorce but his voice and face touched me and I started working on it. Things are now much better. I suggest you be more firm in expressing your feelings. You have repeated so many times that she always feel depressed and that she is a bad wife if you express your feeling. Believe me she will not die out of it. I was there too! Be firm. Only having sex with your wife will make you feel better. Reading posts here on this topic also gave me a deep insight on how important sex is to men. Introduce here to these posts. They have helped me to change my mindset or at least be sensitive or his needs. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

DW here. With 3 kids and a full time job I could go for weeks without thinking about sex. My husband was frustrated coz it was important for him. He expressed his displeasure but it just didn't click with me. Then one day he looked at me with the most serious face I have ever seen and said "I love you but lack of sex is not working for me and I CANNOT take it any more" He didn't mean divorce but his voice and face touched me and I started working on it. Things are now much better. I suggest you be more firm in expressing your feelings. You have repeated so many times that she always feel depressed and that she is a bad wife if you express your feeling. Believe me she will not die out of it. I was there too! Be firm. Only having sex with your wife will make you feel better. Reading posts here on this topic also gave me a deep insight on how important sex is to men. Introduce here to these posts. They have helped me to change my mindset or at least be sensitive or his needs. Good luck.

You might be my wife posting.

We go through this cycle - I get to the breaking point with lack of sex, we have the big "I can't live like this" talk, then she cries, then we have more sex then it tapers off. Rinse, repeat. Is there nothing a man can do to get his wife interested in sex for sex sake, and not just to keep the family intact? Yes, my wife orgasms every time, but like poster above, she never thinks about sex and has no desire for it outside of me raising the issue.