losing interest in spouse in sexless marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, not to scare you, but my former AP was in the same exact situation, except his situation has been going on for 15 years. We were together a few times but he couldn't handle the guilt and broke it off. Then he asked her for an open marriage, and she said if he did that then there would be no chance she would ever rekindle again. So he stays.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy and work on why you are trying to make yourself ok with this. My former AP was a close friend and co-worker, and he did the exact same thing you are doing - trying to reconcile himself with the unreconcilable. He's still doing it even though his youngest is 21. And he's still staying. Do you really want that to be you 12 years from now? He literally has not had sex with her in at least 15 years, and there is no intimacy, and he talks about the gifts with no thought, etc. He tries to paint it as no sex but it is really no intimacy of any kind, nothing that shows she thinks about him other than as a live in handy man and meal ticket.

Please don't let this be you. Our affair ended 8 months ago, to the extent you want to call it that (it was more like we kept trying to stop and then would end up in a work situation with alcohol every 6 months or so, and oops. The full on part of it had been over for some time.). I really loved the guy and had known him for years and was recently separated when this went down. It was heart breaking when it didn't work out for us. But I told him I didn't want to be a mistress and that he had to make a choice. He did - to stay in the sexless marriage. Now I am watching it slowly destroy him and make him into someone I don't even recognize - someone who feels his life is over.

Don't let it be you, OP.

I literally laughed out loud at this. OP, this lady is being played her situation is an illusion of lies told to her by a cheater. Most APs say they are not getting sex at home but they are.

OMG lady, stop giving other people advice. Get your shit together.

Not true. I wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.

Hi, OP here. That was not me. What makes my marriage good is everything except sex. We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc. If we had sex I would say I am very happily married. But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. That is how I feel now. I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with. I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids. I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can. I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc. I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place. At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce. I am just looking for ideas from others in my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible. I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness. If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.

Hi, OP here. That was not me. What makes my marriage good is everything except sex. We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc. If we had sex I would say I am very happily married. But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. That is how I feel now. I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with. I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids. I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can. I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc. I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place. At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce. I am just looking for ideas from others in my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible. I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness. If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.

I'm not the one who suggested it the first time, but I'm going to second the counseling suggestion. You were pretty resistant to it the first time it was suggested, and someone who's resistant to counseling often is the one who needs counseling. You can do "TONS of reading and research" about the experiences of others, but not about your own wife. It sounds like you go through the motions, but I'm not sure you and your wife actually connect on an emotional level, which could explain at least some of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.

Hi, OP here. That was not me. What makes my marriage good is everything except sex. We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc. If we had sex I would say I am very happily married. But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. That is how I feel now. I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with. I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids. I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can. I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc. I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place. At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce. I am just looking for ideas from others in my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible. I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness. If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.

I'm not the one who suggested it the first time, but I'm going to second the counseling suggestion. You were pretty resistant to it the first time it was suggested, and someone who's resistant to counseling often is the one who needs counseling. You can do "TONS of reading and research" about the experiences of others, but not about your own wife. It sounds like you go through the motions, but I'm not sure you and your wife actually connect on an emotional level, which could explain at least some of the issue.

OP here. I am not against counseling at all. I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it. When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.

Hi, OP here. That was not me. What makes my marriage good is everything except sex. We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc. If we had sex I would say I am very happily married. But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. That is how I feel now. I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with. I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids. I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can. I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc. I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place. At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce. I am just looking for ideas from others in my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible. I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness. If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.

I'm not the one who suggested it the first time, but I'm going to second the counseling suggestion. You were pretty resistant to it the first time it was suggested, and someone who's resistant to counseling often is the one who needs counseling. You can do "TONS of reading and research" about the experiences of others, but not about your own wife. It sounds like you go through the motions, but I'm not sure you and your wife actually connect on an emotional level, which could explain at least some of the issue.

OP here. I am not against counseling at all. I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it. When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........

So what if she did that? Why does that mean you have to abandon the idea of counseling? It's stuff like this that makes me really question how committed you are to actually fixing your marriage as opposed to just staking out your territory as the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.

Hi, OP here. That was not me. What makes my marriage good is everything except sex. We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc. If we had sex I would say I am very happily married. But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. That is how I feel now. I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with. I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids. I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can. I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc. I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place. At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce. I am just looking for ideas from others in my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible. I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness. If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.

I'm not the one who suggested it the first time, but I'm going to second the counseling suggestion. You were pretty resistant to it the first time it was suggested, and someone who's resistant to counseling often is the one who needs counseling. You can do "TONS of reading and research" about the experiences of others, but not about your own wife. It sounds like you go through the motions, but I'm not sure you and your wife actually connect on an emotional level, which could explain at least some of the issue.

OP here. I am not against counseling at all. I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it. When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........

So what if she did that? Why does that mean you have to abandon the idea of counseling? It's stuff like this that makes me really question how committed you are to actually fixing your marriage as opposed to just staking out your territory as the victim.

I am not abandoning it but bringing it up made her shut down. I will bring it up again but imagine I will get the same response. Also, she said that she didn't have time in the day and with the kids she didn't think we could do it and or/afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

If this was OP, there's your answer. She's got too much to do, you don't do enough, plus you're not that great in bed, I bet. Keep finding excuses to blame her and make her feel bad, though. Always a recipe for success in relationships.

Hi, OP here. That was not me. What makes my marriage good is everything except sex. We get along well outside of this issue, I love her, I am actively engaged in our life etc. If we had sex I would say I am very happily married. But I read a quote in some article on the subject that says sex is 5% of a marriage when you are having it and 95% when you are not. That is how I feel now. I am happy with our marriage but this issue is painful enough that it is eroding all of the things I am happy with. I am not blaming her, it is what it is at this point. I am just looking for ways to try to live through it.

How do you connect with her other than sex? Do you have shared hobbies? Do you do date nights? A good marriage isn't just an absence of fighting, or about being good roommates to each other.

We have done date nights, we do lots of things together with and without the kids. I care about her and try to engage with her as much as I can. I try to encourage her to do things that she would enjoy on her own so she can decompress without the kids etc. I have done everything that I could could think of as well as done TONS of reading and research around the topic and have ended up in the same place. At this point I have accepted that either I am going to have a depressing marital life or get a divorce. I am just looking for ideas from others in my boat for ways to make it the least depressing as possible. I won't leave because I won't mess up my kids for my happiness. If I get to a point where I feel like I can't be the dad to my kids that I should be if still married then I will reconsider, but until then I won't leave.

I'm not the one who suggested it the first time, but I'm going to second the counseling suggestion. You were pretty resistant to it the first time it was suggested, and someone who's resistant to counseling often is the one who needs counseling. You can do "TONS of reading and research" about the experiences of others, but not about your own wife. It sounds like you go through the motions, but I'm not sure you and your wife actually connect on an emotional level, which could explain at least some of the issue.

OP here. I am not against counseling at all. I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it. When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........

So what if she did that? Why does that mean you have to abandon the idea of counseling? It's stuff like this that makes me really question how committed you are to actually fixing your marriage as opposed to just staking out your territory as the victim.

I am not abandoning it but bringing it up made her shut down. I will bring it up again but imagine I will get the same response. Also, she said that she didn't have time in the day and with the kids she didn't think we could do it and or/afford it.

I don't feel like I should really have to spell this out to someone who's actually committed to fixing their marriage, but...

If she gives you that response, say you'll do the work of finding a counselor, setting up an appointment, and working out childcare if she'll agree to show up. If she's really worried about the cost, ask her to commit to three sessions, and then you can discuss whether you're getting enough out of it to find the money to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I literally laughed out loud at this. OP, this lady is being played her situation is an illusion of lies told to her by a cheater. Most APs say they are not getting sex at home but they are.

Considering the number of people on DCUM complaining about not having sex at home I don't know how you can say this. Seems to me they aren't getting sex at home. Sure, some are lying, but there seem to be a lot of wives not interested in having sex with their husbands out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I am not against counseling at all. I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it. When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........

No, no, OP. For you. Don't force the couples therapy. Get counseling for YOU, so you can find new ways of interacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I literally laughed out loud at this. OP, this lady is being played her situation is an illusion of lies told to her by a cheater. Most APs say they are not getting sex at home but they are.

Considering the number of people on DCUM complaining about not having sex at home I don't know how you can say this. Seems to me they aren't getting sex at home. Sure, some are lying, but there seem to be a lot of wives not interested in having sex with their husbands out there.

But most men that are not getting sex at home are not getting sex out of the home either. Men that can get sex get it at home and out of the home. But the "im in a sexless marriage" is just a line for the lame OW who need some crazy justification to be part of a nefarious relationship. Some OW don't care and won't believe that line of b-shit.

Like above, does your wife have an O?.. "I think so"... really you don't know? guys that get sex know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something else is going on here.

Did having kids take a toll on your marriage and romantic relationship? Is she upset about you or something else?

Sex is psychological for women, not mechanical. How can you romance her brain? Listen, empathize, let her have a girls weekend away, slow track increased romance/date nights. Conversate about travel, restaurants, books, charity events -- not office work or family. Plan a trip to look fw to.

It will take time.

OP here-Thanks, have done all of this. Kids take a toll for sure, and have scaled expectations to really almost no expectations at all. i don't think she is upset with me, we get along good in all other aspects of our marriage except for sex. She is fine with that and happy with the way things are. Its not even about the sex really for me at this point, its more about feeling like I have a lover and romantic partner, not just a woman that I live with, that is the real problem.

Here's something I don't get: you say you've been married for 3 years, and that you have kidS. So...the math says you have two very young children had pretty much back-to-back. If your wife works with two little kids, I can only imagine the degree of exhaustion that comes with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I literally laughed out loud at this. OP, this lady is being played her situation is an illusion of lies told to her by a cheater. Most APs say they are not getting sex at home but they are.

Considering the number of people on DCUM complaining about not having sex at home I don't know how you can say this. Seems to me they aren't getting sex at home. Sure, some are lying, but there seem to be a lot of wives not interested in having sex with their husbands out there.

But most men that are not getting sex at home are not getting sex out of the home either. Men that can get sex get it at home and out of the home. But the "im in a sexless marriage" is just a line for the lame OW who need some crazy justification to be part of a nefarious relationship. Some OW don't care and won't believe that line of b-shit.

Like above, does your wife have an O?.. "I think so"... really you don't know? guys that get sex know.

My wife always did can I make sure of that. When she reached her 30s she was just no longer interested in sex. Everything else took precedence. Everything from the latest episode of her favorite TV show to clean the floor. It's not like I didn't help out either I did. We both work full-time and have kids. When I brought it up she'd say "my friends only have sex every few weeks or few months". To her, her lack of libido was just a little worse than her friends so it was no big deal. So...after being sexless for a year, I meat someone through a mutual interest and we clicked. She filled the void for that part of my life and I felt great getting that part of my life back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something else is going on here.

Did having kids take a toll on your marriage and romantic relationship? Is she upset about you or something else?

Sex is psychological for women, not mechanical. How can you romance her brain? Listen, empathize, let her have a girls weekend away, slow track increased romance/date nights. Conversate about travel, restaurants, books, charity events -- not office work or family. Plan a trip to look fw to.

It will take time.

OP here-Thanks, have done all of this. Kids take a toll for sure, and have scaled expectations to really almost no expectations at all. i don't think she is upset with me, we get along good in all other aspects of our marriage except for sex. She is fine with that and happy with the way things are. Its not even about the sex really for me at this point, its more about feeling like I have a lover and romantic partner, not just a woman that I live with, that is the real problem.

Here's something I don't get: you say you've been married for 3 years, and that you have kidS. So...the math says you have two very young children had pretty much back-to-back. If your wife works with two little kids, I can only imagine the degree of exhaustion that comes with this.

Start over from the beginning and use reading comprehension this time around.

[Anonymous]

OP, not to scare you, but my former AP was in the same exact situation, except his situation has been going on for 15 years. We were together a few times but he couldn't handle the guilt and broke it off. Then he asked her for an open marriage, and she said if he did that then there would be no chance she would ever rekindle again. So he stays.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is to go to therapy and work on why you are trying to make yourself ok with this. My former AP was a close friend and co-worker, and he did the exact same thing you are doing - trying to reconcile himself with the unreconcilable. He's still doing it even though his youngest is 21. And he's still staying. Do you really want that to be you 12 years from now? He literally has not had sex with her in at least 15 years, and there is no intimacy, and he talks about the gifts with no thought, etc. He tries to paint it as no sex but it is really no intimacy of any kind, nothing that shows she thinks about him other than as a live in handy man and meal ticket.

Please don't let this be you. Our affair ended 8 months ago, to the extent you want to call it that (it was more like we kept trying to stop and then would end up in a work situation with alcohol every 6 months or so, and oops. The full on part of it had been over for some time.). I really loved the guy and had known him for years and was recently separated when this went down. It was heart breaking when it didn't work out for us. But I told him I didn't want to be a mistress and that he had to make a choice. He did - to stay in the sexless marriage. Now I am watching it slowly destroy him and make him into someone I don't even recognize - someone who feels his life is over.

Don't let it be you, OP.

Oh please, lady. This reads like a textbook line a cheating spouse tells his mistress. Of course you believe him because you two were different. You two were special, in REAL love, not the typical cliche cheating husband and Ho Worker. Barf. Of course a cheater isn't going to tell his mistress all the lovely things about his wife. It is compartmenting. He doesn't share that with you, because it is too close to his heart and accessing those feelings when he is cheating would be brutal.

Go ahead and believe he chose a sexless marriage with a horrid woman over you, because that totally makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I am not against counseling at all. I appreciated the earlier comment and may revisit it. When I brought it up before she broke down and said that she was a failure as a wife........

No, no, OP. For you. Don't force the couples therapy. Get counseling for YOU, so you can find new ways of interacting.

NP. Get individual counseling.

Writing long diatribes and 100s of responses on DCuM isn't going to do it for you. It's a waste of time and for a male to be posting so much and so frequently I do wonder what is up.