Making the choice to stay after an EA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has nothing to be sorry for. She had a friend. She didn't break any marriage vows. There is nothing about having to give up any opposite sex friends. Do we have to get permission from our husbands to make a new female friend or do we have to tell our husband about everything we talk with our female friends about? What is the big deal? Somehow we have inflated very small non-issues to the status of "affair." For what purpose have we done this?

By OP's own admission this "friend was used as a surrogate husband.
Not okay.
But you keep up with your "friends" let us know how that works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

Just wait until your spouse starts putting 98% of their energy into a relationship with someone else and only has 2% left for you and the kids.

Just wait until you read that email where your spouse tells someone else you are boring, lame, no good at sex, and says all kinds of other unflattering things about you.

I bet you'll still think an EA is no big deal after experiencing that.

Hummm... I've heard my sister-in-laws bashing my brothers at family gathers when they sit together alone in the other room and the topics have been along the lines listed above. I guess my sister-in-laws were having an emotional affair with each other. My brothers should file for divorce.

You are not this stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

Just wait until your spouse starts putting 98% of their energy into a relationship with someone else and only has 2% left for you and the kids.

Just wait until you read that email where your spouse tells someone else you are boring, lame, no good at sex, and says all kinds of other unflattering things about you.

I bet you'll still think an EA is no big deal after experiencing that.

You're a fucktard.

[Anonymous]

You should be more worried that once in counseling he will wake up and choose to leave you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

Just wait until your spouse starts putting 98% of their energy into a relationship with someone else and only has 2% left for you and the kids.

Just wait until you read that email where your spouse tells someone else you are boring, lame, no good at sex, and says all kinds of other unflattering things about you.

I bet you'll still think an EA is no big deal after experiencing that.

You're a fucktard.

Did you think I was making that up when I wrote it? I wrote from experience. I could add a lot more painful details. An EA is, and should be, as much of a marriage-killer as a PA.

Don't talk again until you know what you're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

Of course you're willing to stay. You're the cheater who was just given the second chance. Whether HE is willing to stay is the true question.

[Anonymous]

OP: Not to rehash everything, but I didn't once complain about DH to my EA partner. Also, the reason I wrote here is not to figure out what to do to to make amends to DH- I know what I need to do in that sphere. I am remorseful and he knows that. I also freely acknowledge that I did something wrong and I do not blame him for it. We're in counseling. The reason I wrote here is because I am human and while, yes, I did do something wrong, I am not alone in what led to that, even though I do own the actions. And, because I am human I miss my EA partner who was a friend. I am hoping that there is someone else out there who can say "I've been there and this gets easier. Here is what helped me and my family."

[Anonymous]

I'm the spouse of a partner who had a fairly long term EA.

It's been four years, and it's still painful.

It took the feeling of having a safe haven in a relationship, the sense of being a team and destroyed it like an atomic detonation.

What I would have liked from my spouse?

True remorse
Complete honesty
Making it up to me
Restoring feeing valued
And more than that - all of that upfront before spouse got to complain one whit that I was a lousy spouse or how much they're grieving for their friend. Because while spouse was off "feeing validated" I was not feeling so validated either, but I didn't find a special friend with whom to share intimate things.

Or you wanted to hear from repentant spouses who shared your sense of loss once the EA ended? Suck it up buttercup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Not to rehash everything, but I didn't once complain about DH to my EA partner. Also, the reason I wrote here is not to figure out what to do to to make amends to DH- I know what I need to do in that sphere. I am remorseful and he knows that. I also freely acknowledge that I did something wrong and I do not blame him for it. We're in counseling. The reason I wrote here is because I am human and while, yes, I did do something wrong, I am not alone in what led to that, even though I do own the actions. And, because I am human I miss my EA partner who was a friend. I am hoping that there is someone else out there who can say "I've been there and this gets easier. Here is what helped me and my family."

I've been there and it gets easier. Time. I'm no longer in physical pain missing him and feeling cut off. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Not to rehash everything, but I didn't once complain about DH to my EA partner. Also, the reason I wrote here is not to figure out what to do to to make amends to DH- I know what I need to do in that sphere. I am remorseful and he knows that. I also freely acknowledge that I did something wrong and I do not blame him for it. We're in counseling. The reason I wrote here is because I am human and while, yes, I did do something wrong, I am not alone in what led to that, even though I do own the actions. And, because I am human I miss my EA partner who was a friend. I am hoping that there is someone else out there who can say "I've been there and this gets easier. Here is what helped me and my family."

You are not remorseful (except probably in the sense of regretting you got caught), you do not know what to do to make amends, and you are not owning your actions.

If you were remorseful, and if you were owning your actions, you would not be here saying you pine for your EA partner and you would not be asking internet strangers for sympathy and validation.

If you knew what to do to make amends, you would know that you have to FORGET your EA partner, put him 100% behind you mentally, stop wallowing in self-pity, and focus on your spouse. Then you have to prove to your spouse that you did that, and prove that the mindset that led you to have an EA has changed.

You are a dishonest person with a vast sense of entitlement and it would serve you right if your DH realized this and divorced you.

[Anonymous]

OP- what exactly happened in this four-month relationship for you to call it an EA? Was it sexual?

And how did your husband find out (guessing it's finding a text or email).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the spouse of a partner who had a fairly long term EA.

It's been four years, and it's still painful.

It took the feeling of having a safe haven in a relationship, the sense of being a team and destroyed it like an atomic detonation.

What I would have liked from my spouse?

True remorse
Complete honesty
Making it up to me
Restoring feeing valued
And more than that - all of that upfront before spouse got to complain one whit that I was a lousy spouse or how much they're grieving for their friend. Because while spouse was off "feeing validated" I was not feeling so validated either, but I didn't find a special friend with whom to share intimate things.

Or you wanted to hear from repentant spouses who shared your sense of loss once the EA ended? Suck it up buttercup.

I, too, am a betrayed spouse to an EA. It has been 18 months, and yes, it still hurts. I have no sympathy for you whiners who sought your attention, needs elsewhere, or felt "validated" by doing this awful thing. The problem is not your spouse, it's you. Some horrible thing inside you gave you the idea that you were entitled to cheat. I am sure your spouse felt equally horrible/dead/invalidated in the marriage, but did not choose to cheat. Own it, show remorse, be honest, and hope that your spouse has the capacity to forgive.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has survived an EA -- and I suspect it was a PA, though that has been denied, though believe me, trust gets blown to Mars after this -- I can say letting go and finding forgiveness is the only hope. Forgiveness is NOT the same as condoning, or being fine with what happened. Forgiveness is for yourself, and trying to make yourself feel better. We both acknowledge the role we played in our marriage deteriorating, but the EA/PA is 100 percent on the betrayer. 100. Percent. Like an alchoholic, I feel like we hit rock bottom and are on the long path of recovery. It's not easy, it's not fun, it's not pleasant. But we are working on it. Somewhere, deep in the pain, there is mutual love. And as others have said, anyone who has an EA/PA is in a lot more internal pain than they want to admit.

[Anonymous]

OP -- you are asking for understanding and sympathy. The deal is that you can either get a divorce and move on with EA man or stay married. You can't stay happily married and still pine for EA guy. So make a choice. It's one or the other. We can't have our cake and eat it too. And, I still don't believe this was just an EA...it makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- you are asking for understanding and sympathy. The deal is that you can either get a divorce and move on with EA man or stay married. You can't stay happily married and still pine for EA guy. So make a choice. It's one or the other. We can't have our cake and eat it too. And, I still don't believe this was just an EA...it makes no sense.

It's likely an EA with nonphysical sex, such as sexting, pictures, sharing fantasies, etc.