Making the choice to stay after an EA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 3 kids under 8. I had an EA that lasted about 4 months, and DH found out last week. He was shattered. I broke things off with EA partner immediately, gave DH full access to all of my passwords, etc, and DH and I entered marital counseling. DH and I have had more open and honest discussions in the last week than we have in the prior 2 years. I feel like all of the things that I've been saying to deaf ears are finally hitting a receptive target. There has been no fighting, just a lot of hurt, and truth, and trying to find our way back to each other. Right now I chose my DH and my marriage. I am wary, somewhat, of our newfound closeness- how do I know that this communication/affection/openness is real, and it's not going to disappear in a few weeks/months? On the same hand, how does he know, that I won't go looking for that type of bond with someone else when I cannot find it from him? I get that this is all about rebuilding trust, and that is a very hard thing to do.

Any tips for helping to get through this? I want to be here. I want to be happy with the choice to stay in my marriage, but right now, the EA partner is still on my mind, and it's hard to get past how good that relationship made me feel. I am not in love with my EA partner, and I never run into him. I do love DH, and I am committed to make this work.

I'm really not sure what to say. You sound pretty narcissistic and only concerned with how this affects you, you don't seem to really understand how your betrayal has hurt your DH. What worries me the most is that it sounds like you might be using this EA to manipulate your DH; which you allude to in the bolded above. I think you have some pretty serious issues that you need to work out on your own in order to be a suitable partner for your DH. If you're truly interested in staying in the marriage and working on it - I'd address your deficits first, then tackle the marriage counseling later.

This.

Own up to it OP. I mean truly own up to it. It sounds like you are blaming your husband for the affair and putting the responsibility on him to fix things.
You chose to cheat. You alone. Own that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 3 kids under 8. I had an EA that lasted about 4 months, and DH found out last week. He was shattered. I broke things off with EA partner immediately, gave DH full access to all of my passwords, etc, and DH and I entered marital counseling. DH and I have had more open and honest discussions in the last week than we have in the prior 2 years. I feel like all of the things that I've been saying to deaf ears are finally hitting a receptive target. There has been no fighting, just a lot of hurt, and truth, and trying to find our way back to each other. Right now I chose my DH and my marriage. I am wary, somewhat, of our newfound closeness- how do I know that this communication/affection/openness is real, and it's not going to disappear in a few weeks/months? On the same hand, how does he know, that I won't go looking for that type of bond with someone else when I cannot find it from him? I get that this is all about rebuilding trust, and that is a very hard thing to do.

Any tips for helping to get through this? I want to be here. I want to be happy with the choice to stay in my marriage, but right now, the EA partner is still on my mind, and it's hard to get past how good that relationship made me feel. I am not in love with my EA partner, and I never run into him. I do love DH, and I am committed to make this work.

I'm really not sure what to say. You sound pretty narcissistic and only concerned with how this affects you, you don't seem to really understand how your betrayal has hurt your DH. What worries me the most is that it sounds like you might be using this EA to manipulate your DH; which you allude to in the bolded above. I think you have some pretty serious issues that you need to work out on your own in order to be a suitable partner for your DH. If you're truly interested in staying in the marriage and working on it - I'd address your deficits first, then tackle the marriage counseling later.

This.

Own up to it OP. I mean truly own up to it. It sounds like you are blaming your husband for the affair and putting the responsibility on him to fix things.
You chose to cheat. You alone. Own that.

+1. it's lame to use an affair to club your spouse into agreeing with you. Threats are no way to make yourself understood. Use your words or walk away.

[Anonymous]

OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

[Anonymous]

OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

Puke.
Still blaming your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

But two weeks ago you weren't, because you were flirting with someone else. What changed? Your husband is now paying attention to you? What happens the next time he doesn't pay attention to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

But two weeks ago you weren't, because you were flirting with someone else. What changed? Your husband is now paying attention to you? What happens the next time he doesn't pay attention to you?

She'll have another affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: EA means Emotional Affair. Nothing physical happened. It means I met someone, and he and I had a lightening bolt connection, and while acknowledged, we never acted on it. Let's just say that the EA did not happen in a bubble, and while I am not blaming my DH for my actions, it can be hard to constantly tell someone what you need and for them not listen to you. He knew what I needed in order to feel fulfilled and loved as a partner, and he chose to ignore it, and tell me that my needs were not important. We had the definition of an indifferent marriage for over a year. All the sudden when he found out about the EA, he changed his tune entirely- it's a little hard to believe that someone changes that fast. I am not blaming him for my actions at all. I did speak to another man in secret. I did keep that from him. It did hurt my DH, and I am remorseful about that. I was looking for validation in a way that wasn't healthy. I get that.

As for why stay? I do love my DH. I love my kids. I am willing to give this everything I have to make it work.

And you chose to have an affair. Instead of acting on your feelings in another way.

You could have insisted on counseling?

You could have gone to therapy yourself. Which you still should do because you better believe you have something broken inside of you that needs fixing.

You could have asked for a separation.

You could have done any number of things, but you chose to have an affair.

You will not get anywhere or improve anything in a lasting way until you own that choice completely.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Go read your post again, OP. It's all about you...your feelings...and places the blame on DH for YOUR straying. You are the type who will never be satisfied. I think your DH should run.

But if you want to make it work, then YOU need to change. Manage your expectations. Communicate your feelings and needs, but recognize that it ultimately isn't your DH's job to placate you. Why not try loving him? Be there 100% for him? After all, you're the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

Sorry I'm in love with someone vs I just fucked someone else and it meant nothing.

Actually, the EA is more devastating (particularly if it's the DW) because it's seriously hard work
To recover from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 3 kids under 8. I had an EA that lasted about 4 months, and DH found out last week. He was shattered. I broke things off with EA partner immediately, gave DH full access to all of my passwords, etc, and DH and I entered marital counseling. DH and I have had more open and honest discussions in the last week than we have in the prior 2 years. I feel like all of the things that I've been saying to deaf ears are finally hitting a receptive target. There has been no fighting, just a lot of hurt, and truth, and trying to find our way back to each other. Right now I chose my DH and my marriage. I am wary, somewhat, of our newfound closeness- how do I know that this communication/affection/openness is real, and it's not going to disappear in a few weeks/months? On the same hand, how does he know, that I won't go looking for that type of bond with someone else when I cannot find it from him? I get that this is all about rebuilding trust, and that is a very hard thing to do.

Any tips for helping to get through this? I want to be here. I want to be happy with the choice to stay in my marriage, but right now, the EA partner is still on my mind, and it's hard to get past how good that relationship made me feel. I am not in love with my EA partner, and I never run into him. I do love DH, and I am committed to make this work.

The first thing that has to change is YOUR mindset. YOU knowingly made a series of wrong choices. YOU thought you were entitled to this extra-marital attention, and you still do. It is for YOU to reestablish trust and rebuild the relationship.

Frankly you don't sound like you want to do that. I hope your husband reads this and realizes you can't be trusted and won't change no matter what you say.

[Anonymous]

If you were a man the choice to stay would not be yours it would be hers. OP needs to wake up that she has given her husband all the power now. Its really his choice as to whether or not she gets to stay. If all things were equal in our divorce system he would get the house, the retirement plans, the savings accounts, the cars and the kids and you would be on the streets.

[Anonymous]

OP has nothing to be sorry for. She had a friend. She didn't break any marriage vows. There is nothing about having to give up any opposite sex friends. Do we have to get permission from our husbands to make a new female friend or do we have to tell our husband about everything we talk with our female friends about? What is the big deal? Somehow we have inflated very small non-issues to the status of "affair." For what purpose have we done this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

Just wait until your spouse starts putting 98% of their energy into a relationship with someone else and only has 2% left for you and the kids.

Just wait until you read that email where your spouse tells someone else you are boring, lame, no good at sex, and says all kinds of other unflattering things about you.

I bet you'll still think an EA is no big deal after experiencing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

Just wait until your spouse starts putting 98% of their energy into a relationship with someone else and only has 2% left for you and the kids.

Just wait until you read that email where your spouse tells someone else you are boring, lame, no good at sex, and says all kinds of other unflattering things about you.

I bet you'll still think an EA is no big deal after experiencing that.

Hummm... I've heard my sister-in-laws bashing my brothers at family gathers when they sit together alone in the other room and the topics have been along the lines listed above. I guess my sister-in-laws were having an emotional affair with each other. My brothers should file for divorce.