Making the choice to stay after an EA

[Anonymous]

15 years married, 3 kids under 8. I had an EA that lasted about 4 months, and DH found out last week. He was shattered. I broke things off with EA partner immediately, gave DH full access to all of my passwords, etc, and DH and I entered marital counseling. DH and I have had more open and honest discussions in the last week than we have in the prior 2 years. I feel like all of the things that I've been saying to deaf ears are finally hitting a receptive target. There has been no fighting, just a lot of hurt, and truth, and trying to find our way back to each other. Right now I chose my DH and my marriage. I am wary, somewhat, of our newfound closeness- how do I know that this communication/affection/openness is real, and it's not going to disappear in a few weeks/months? On the same hand, how does he know, that I won't go looking for that type of bond with someone else when I cannot find it from him? I get that this is all about rebuilding trust, and that is a very hard thing to do.

Any tips for helping to get through this? I want to be here. I want to be happy with the choice to stay in my marriage, but right now, the EA partner is still on my mind, and it's hard to get past how good that relationship made me feel. I am not in love with my EA partner, and I never run into him. I do love DH, and I am committed to make this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 3 kids under 8. I had an EA that lasted about 4 months, and DH found out last week. He was shattered. I broke things off with EA partner immediately, gave DH full access to all of my passwords, etc, and DH and I entered marital counseling. DH and I have had more open and honest discussions in the last week than we have in the prior 2 years. I feel like all of the things that I've been saying to deaf ears are finally hitting a receptive target. There has been no fighting, just a lot of hurt, and truth, and trying to find our way back to each other. Right now I chose my DH and my marriage. I am wary, somewhat, of our newfound closeness- how do I know that this communication/affection/openness is real, and it's not going to disappear in a few weeks/months? On the same hand, how does he know, that I won't go looking for that type of bond with someone else when I cannot find it from him? I get that this is all about rebuilding trust, and that is a very hard thing to do.

Any tips for helping to get through this? I want to be here. I want to be happy with the choice to stay in my marriage, but right now, the EA partner is still on my mind, and it's hard to get past how good that relationship made me feel. I am not in love with my EA partner, and I never run into him. I do love DH, and I am committed to make this work.

Go to counseling. You obviously need to talk a lot through both with and without your husband. This won't happen easily. Expect your husband to also have some resentment towards you for a while--even if it is not immediately apparent.

[Anonymous]

Ask you DH what he needs from you right now. Do it. Be completely an open book. Don't lie about anything, ever. Do not ever see EA guy again and tell DH if you run into him or he tries to contact you. Do what you say you're going to do. Consistency is the key to rebuilding trust. Slip up - and you start all over again just like its Day 1.

Tell your DH how lucky you are to have him. How lucky you are he is sticking by you in spite of his pain. Be emotionally aware of triggers for him. Be concerned. And empathetic about his torment.

Be affectionate and initiate sex genuinely. Be consistent with fulfilling your responsibilities at home.

Even though this was an EA treat it like it was a real affair - after all it had all the things real affairs have - the shared intimacy, the sneaking around, the lies ..... It's the lies which blow up the foundation of your marriage anyway, not really the final act of tab B into slot A. But don't kid yourself. Many EAs escalate into physical affairs.

[Anonymous]

I'm the betrayed spouse and DH's affair was sexual, though mostly emotional if that makes sense. I think he was feeling exactly what you are. He lasted 6-8 weeks without contact, then reached out to the other woman again. Because he missed her/was worried about her (a normal human reaction I think) but didn't choose to talk about it to me or in our therapy sessions or to his own therapist. First it was a phone call to make sure she was okay. Then another. Then emails. Off it went. So my advice is to shine as much light as you can on what you're experiencing. If your DH is too hurt right now to hear it (and he may be, it's hard to hear your spouse say they miss the other person), find someone else who will be supportive of you in staying true to your marriage. Read Shirley Glass Just Friends - the walls and windows stuff is a really good basic analogy to guide your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15 years married, 3 kids under 8. I had an EA that lasted about 4 months, and DH found out last week. He was shattered. I broke things off with EA partner immediately, gave DH full access to all of my passwords, etc, and DH and I entered marital counseling. DH and I have had more open and honest discussions in the last week than we have in the prior 2 years. I feel like all of the things that I've been saying to deaf ears are finally hitting a receptive target. There has been no fighting, just a lot of hurt, and truth, and trying to find our way back to each other. Right now I chose my DH and my marriage. I am wary, somewhat, of our newfound closeness- how do I know that this communication/affection/openness is real, and it's not going to disappear in a few weeks/months? On the same hand, how does he know, that I won't go looking for that type of bond with someone else when I cannot find it from him? I get that this is all about rebuilding trust, and that is a very hard thing to do.

Any tips for helping to get through this? I want to be here. I want to be happy with the choice to stay in my marriage, but right now, the EA partner is still on my mind, and it's hard to get past how good that relationship made me feel. I am not in love with my EA partner, and I never run into him. I do love DH, and I am committed to make this work.

I'm really not sure what to say. You sound pretty narcissistic and only concerned with how this affects you, you don't seem to really understand how your betrayal has hurt your DH. What worries me the most is that it sounds like you might be using this EA to manipulate your DH; which you allude to in the bolded above. I think you have some pretty serious issues that you need to work out on your own in order to be a suitable partner for your DH. If you're truly interested in staying in the marriage and working on it - I'd address your deficits first, then tackle the marriage counseling later.

[Anonymous]

OP already said she is in counseling.

I think since you are already open about it, share these concerns with your DH. Why not put it all on the table? Discuss this vulnerability in therapy together. Go 100% in to being committed to making it work and be honest about the complexity of what you are experiencing. Allow your DH to do the same. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

NP here but I read EA to mean extra-marital affair although perhaps OP can clarify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really believe that an EA is a real issue to stop a marriage. A sexual affair ... yes. Talking to someone -- no. Did you really just have what you call an "EA" ...or did it get into sex? Because really what is the difference between "EA" and a male friend. Why did your DH take such offense? I don't think you're telling the whole story.

NP here but I read EA to mean extra-marital affair although perhaps OP can clarify.

[Anonymous]

EA usually means emotional affair -- i e. the person fell hard for this person, there was definitely attraction, but it never progressed to sex. How this differs from just having a "friend" of the opposite sex is I guess you sense and know there is the potential for much more there.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes about 5 years ago but it was physical. It just takes time and a lot of honesty for both parties. While there was no excuse for my affair, I was fortunate that my dh was willing and able (as was I) to admit to the issues we brought to the marriage. Our marriage is a 100x better now - I would say answer every question honestly, both of you get individual counseling before marriage counseling and make the commitment to making it to the next stage. It took about 2-3 years before my dh said he was "over it" - his words, not mine.

[Anonymous]

You're trash. Never forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're trash. Never forget it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Interesting - most posts like this are focused on how to help earn back spouse's trust, etc. but your post is focused primarily on yourself, as PP said. You talk about your "choice" to stay in the marriage, but your spouse has a choice, too, and you can't take for granted that he isn't going to struggle to remain married to you after your betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Why are choosing to stay in the marriage, OP?