Sister settling - should I just shut up?

[Anonymous]

Nothing wrong with "settling" for a nice guy. He's not abusive, and some people don't even find someone to settle with, much less head over heels in love.

She seems like she's walking into this with her eyes open. Plenty of successful marriages are based on settling. If he treats her well, let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dont get what the problem is here. He is nice, he treats your sister well.. so what--he complains sometimes? She recognizes his flaws? Seriously, what is the problem? Do you *want* your sister to be lonely and unhappy?

No, but I'm not sure you have to marry the first person you meet after getting out of a three year relationship, either.

Perhaps she learned a lot about herself thanks to the 3 year relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dont get what the problem is here. He is nice, he treats your sister well.. so what--he complains sometimes? She recognizes his flaws? Seriously, what is the problem? Do you *want* your sister to be lonely and unhappy?

No, but I'm not sure you have to marry the first person you meet after getting out of a three year relationship, either.

Perhaps she learned a lot about herself thanks to the 3 year relationship?

OP, I know that you care about your sister. And she is very lucky to have someone who cares. But let her live her life.

My DH and I got engaged after 5 months and were married within the year. We are quite happy. We knew that it was meant to be, so to speak. We had 2 friends who questioned our decision: one who is a miserable divorcee who generally hates life and happiness in others. And one who is in a very unhappy relationship.

Is there something in your own relationship that is making you think that this "rebound guy" isnt good enough for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

I'm not sure I'm using the word accurately, but that's not what I meant at all. He dresses really well, actually. Wears designer clothes and really trendy glasses. But he's slouchy and complains a lot (for example, after coming in from a walk he was groaning about how sore he was). This is just different from the rest of us who aren't big complainers. He's a big gesture guy, always brings beautiful flowers or chocolates, but it seems like over-compensating. But they are also relatively young, and in the new stages of romance, and he treats her well.

So he is a bit "slimy?" Low tone car salesman kind of person? Hard to take, I get what you are trying to say if I interpreted your words right? I wouldn't like him either if "slimy" is the right word. You say "Should I just shut up?" meaning that you already said something. It is too late now, but keep quiet from now on, to try to salvage any damage you have already done.

More like a slimy high-end salesman, but also a good talker. Something just feels...yuck! I haven't said anything to her recently, but I did engage with her when she brought up the things she was not thrilled about in the first few months. More recently I've made a few jokes that probably hit too close to home as they have a grain of salt. That's what I'm going to stop doing. I haven't said - "Beth, Daniel isn't good enough for you and it seems to me like you're settling because you're worried about ending up alone and don't think you can find someone you love as much as ex BF," which is what I'd say if it were appropriate for me to voice my actual opinion. I should add that my sister is beautiful, smart, and a good person, so she really really doesn't need to settle.

At the end of the day, this is her decision. He wont hurt her. He will be a good partner. They may live happily ever after or may break up - who knows, but I don't need to weigh in anymore.

Thanks for clarifying. Yuck, I know I said to keep quiet, but still I hate these kind of men, they are the worst, and I always assume they are hiding something bcs of that kind of demeanor. Anyway, good luck to your sister, I hope that either, you are wrong or that she ditches the slime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dont get what the problem is here. He is nice, he treats your sister well.. so what--he complains sometimes? She recognizes his flaws? Seriously, what is the problem? Do you *want* your sister to be lonely and unhappy?

No, but I'm not sure you have to marry the first person you meet after getting out of a three year relationship, either.

Perhaps she learned a lot about herself thanks to the 3 year relationship?

OP, I know that you care about your sister. And she is very lucky to have someone who cares. But let her live her life.

My DH and I got engaged after 5 months and were married within the year. We are quite happy. We knew that it was meant to be, so to speak. We had 2 friends who questioned our decision: one who is a miserable divorcee who generally hates life and happiness in others. And one who is in a very unhappy relationship.

Is there something in your own relationship that is making you think that this "rebound guy" isnt good enough for her?

Nope - I'm happily married (and generally a pretty content person). I guess my question for you is whether you knew it was meant to be from the beginning or whether you convinced yourself it was meant to be and that has worked out for you. Because my sister is in the later category. Not saying it wont work, but wasn't meant to be (for her at least) from the get-go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks, all. My instinct was to keep my mouth shut, but I think I needed to hear it said.

At the end of the day he would be a really great brother in law for me, so I should be happy about that!

Perhaps she is happy and at peace with him. Sometimes hugely in love to outsiders is just drama / angst . Highs and lows are more evident in unhealthy/inequitable/stressful relationships.

[Anonymous]

My sister was in the 'wrong' relationship for years. She knew we (me, my parents and brother) thought this, even though we didn't say it in so many words. It was more general questions and probing. But none of us ever said 'you need to break up with him'. It was really hard but we all kind of realised we had to just stay quiet. It nearly damaged our relationships but we stayed on the right side of the line (my mum came closest and upset her once or twice, and I was very glad at that point to be the one she could come to).

Eventually she just one day admitted it to herself and broke up with him. Because we hadn't come right out against the relationship we were all able to be there for her and supported her without her having to feel we were thinking 'we told you so'. She met someone else a few years later and they are very happy and now have kids and we all think he's great.

My advice would be to stay out of it and just be there for her. She's unlikely to do anything until she realises herself he's not right for her. It may take time but she is likely to get there if he really isn't a good match long term.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she found out he's hung like a horse.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's time for your sister to settle. Not everybody is lucky to meet a picture-perfect partner by 30. It doesn't mean she should continue living in the dream world and risk spinsterhood. A nice guy at this point may be what the doctor ordered. Butt out and try to be happy for you sis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

I'm not sure I'm using the word accurately, but that's not what I meant at all. He dresses really well, actually. Wears designer clothes and really trendy glasses. But he's slouchy and complains a lot (for example, after coming in from a walk he was groaning about how sore he was). This is just different from the rest of us who aren't big complainers. He's a big gesture guy, always brings beautiful flowers or chocolates, but it seems like over-compensating. But they are also relatively young, and in the new stages of romance, and he treats her well.

So he is a bit "slimy?" Low tone car salesman kind of person? Hard to take, I get what you are trying to say if I interpreted your words right? I wouldn't like him either if "slimy" is the right word. You say "Should I just shut up?" meaning that you already said something. It is too late now, but keep quiet from now on, to try to salvage any damage you have already done.

More like a slimy high-end salesman, but also a good talker. Something just feels...yuck! I haven't said anything to her recently, but I did engage with her when she brought up the things she was not thrilled about in the first few months. More recently I've made a few jokes that probably hit too close to home as they have a grain of salt. That's what I'm going to stop doing. I haven't said - "Beth, Daniel isn't good enough for you and it seems to me like you're settling because you're worried about ending up alone and don't think you can find someone you love as much as ex BF," which is what I'd say if it were appropriate for me to voice my actual opinion. I should add that my sister is beautiful, smart, and a good person, so she really really doesn't need to settle.

At the end of the day, this is her decision. He wont hurt her. He will be a good partner. They may live happily ever after or may break up - who knows, but I don't need to weigh in anymore.

'settling' has little to do with being beautiful and smart. the problem your sister is facing that most of her best matches are already taken - married, or about to get married with their long-term partners.

sure this guy doesn't sound very appealing and it doesn't look like they are really that good of a match. the problem is - who is going to be next guy? are there some better guys around...? i am not saying there aren't but it's really really tough out there even for the most attractive women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

I'm not sure I'm using the word accurately, but that's not what I meant at all. He dresses really well, actually. Wears designer clothes and really trendy glasses. But he's slouchy and complains a lot (for example, after coming in from a walk he was groaning about how sore he was). This is just different from the rest of us who aren't big complainers. He's a big gesture guy, always brings beautiful flowers or chocolates, but it seems like over-compensating. But they are also relatively young, and in the new stages of romance, and he treats her well.

So he is a bit "slimy?" Low tone car salesman kind of person? Hard to take, I get what you are trying to say if I interpreted your words right? I wouldn't like him either if "slimy" is the right word. You say "Should I just shut up?" meaning that you already said something. It is too late now, but keep quiet from now on, to try to salvage any damage you have already done.

More like a slimy high-end salesman, but also a good talker. Something just feels...yuck! I haven't said anything to her recently, but I did engage with her when she brought up the things she was not thrilled about in the first few months. More recently I've made a few jokes that probably hit too close to home as they have a grain of salt. That's what I'm going to stop doing. I haven't said - "Beth, Daniel isn't good enough for you and it seems to me like you're settling because you're worried about ending up alone and don't think you can find someone you love as much as ex BF," which is what I'd say if it were appropriate for me to voice my actual opinion. I should add that my sister is beautiful, smart, and a good person, so she really really doesn't need to settle.

At the end of the day, this is her decision. He wont hurt her. He will be a good partner. They may live happily ever after or may break up - who knows, but I don't need to weigh in anymore.

'settling' has little to do with being beautiful and smart. the problem your sister is facing that most of her best matches are already taken - married, or about to get married with their long-term partners.

sure this guy doesn't sound very appealing and it doesn't look like they are really that good of a match. the problem is - who is going to be next guy? are there some better guys around...? i am not saying there aren't but it's really really tough out there even for the most attractive women.

This. There plenty of beautiful, smart, good women out there. Some get lucky, some don't. Don't judge. Your sister wanted marriage, and it looks like her wish will be granted. You should be happy for her, not judgmental about her choices.

[Anonymous]

If he complains after a walk, he's going to be useless with an infant in the house.

Nobody likes a complainer -- and that goes times 100 when you're pregnant, nursing, juggling family and work, and sharing a home with someone for decades.

I agree that you shouldn't criticize him to your sister, but that doesn't mean you have to act more enthusiastic than you are. Spend time with her. Double date with them. Observe whether they're happy together. Ask her the right questions based on what you see.

Don't talk her out of it, but don't talk her into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just turned 30 and broke up with her very serious live in boyfriend. Her ex had his issues, but they were really in love and you could see that in the way that she behaved with him. She was pretty heartbroken but started dating immediately and met a new guy within a few months. Four months later and they are now very very serious. I think she is completely settling, not because he's a bad guy, but she does not seem to love him at all . But at the same time she's talking about how they're going to get married and how he's great for her, etc.

In the beginning she made comments about how she didn't really love hanging out with him and pointing out his various flaws and issues, but now acts as if he is a perfect person for her. My instinct is that she settling because she doesn't want to be alone she's 30 and he fits all the criteria on paper of a good husband. He's a really nice guy, treats her well, but is just sort of shlubby and boring.

So, DCUM, do I let her know I think she settling or do I jump in like the rest of my family has and just ignore the fact that seems to be settling

A guy I was really happy seeing ghosted on me for three weeks. During that time, I allowed a guy who'd been after me for months to take me out. We got serious so quickly!! When the ghoster re-appeared, I'd already moved on to the guy who I'd end up marrying a short time later. It was a tough marriage and ended after a hard hard couple of years.

If that nice guy hadn't disappeared and left me all upset (and kinda vengeful) I never would have gone out with now-XH. I certainly wouldn't have married him! The ghoster was an intellectual equal who valued me. Turns out he ghosted, he said, because he got scared. He saw a future for us and needed time to think about the commitment. WHATEVER!! There was a reason I hadn't taken future-XH up on his offers before then. He was a shiny penny. Beautiful, sexy, strong, but we didn't share backgrounds. Ghost and I would laugh in bed over jokes about the UN. XH bought fancy sunglasses and cherished his designer jeans. WTF? If I hadn't been so caught up in my hurt, I wouldn't have "punished" the ghoster by getting involved with Adonis. My fault entirely.

Girl, if I could share my experience with your sister, maybe I could get her to slow down enough to make a clearer assessment of her current beau. Schlubby and boring doesn't sound so bad. But rushing things to outrun bad feelings is.

What can you do? Ask questions about the future. Then ask if she's discussed these things with her guy. Maybe a bit of reality could clear up the fog of feelings. I remember the urgency, the sense of inevitability that characterized my early relationship. It's hard to breach. "Will Adonis be going with you to that conference each year?" "Are you taking Adonis to your class reunion?" The answer would have been "No" and maybe that would have told me something.

A wise man learns from other's mistakes. May your sister learn from mine.

You may be trying to rewrite the history in your mind. A man who valued you disappeared without an explanation, because he saw a future with you and got scared? For crying out loud!

Marrying your ex may have been a mistake, but please don't allow yourself to regret dumping your bf. Sob stories for ex gfs are just that.

[Anonymous]

PP, you are seriously idealizing the dude who ghosted you. Really good guys who value and respect you don't disappear without a word for 3 weeks, just because they get scared. Gimme a break. You wouldn't have lived happily ever after with him, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you are seriously idealizing the dude who ghosted you. Really good guys who value and respect you don't disappear without a word for 3 weeks, just because they get scared. Gimme a break. You wouldn't have lived happily ever after with him, either.

+1. Probably ex-DH and ghoster were both lousy, and pp seems to have gotten the wrong takeaway from the whole terrible experience.

I've come to the conclusion that it is absolutely useless to give commentary on other people's relationships, ever. One of my cousins married a catastrophe that everyone could see a mile away. He was unemployed, vulgar, 10 years older than her, overweight with health issues (she is very fit and attractive and a computer programmer), pushed her into rushing into marriage, bought a used engagement ring that she reset, refused to have a real wedding reception out of cheapness, and on, and on. EVERYONE in her family objected to him openly, said she was too good for him, etc. And she STILL married him. And he is even worse than anyone thought he would be, and she is determined to stay with him, or in denial, or something.

So just, yeah, MYOB. Let her live her own life.