Sister settling - should I just shut up?
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Anonymous
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My sister just turned 30 and broke up with her very serious live in boyfriend. Her ex had his issues, but they were really in love and you could see that in the way that she behaved with him. She was pretty heartbroken but started dating immediately and met a new guy within a few months. Four months later and they are now very very serious. I think she is completely settling, not because he's a bad guy, but she does not seem to love him at all . But at the same time she's talking about how they're going to get married and how he's great for her, etc.
In the beginning she made comments about how she didn't really love hanging out with him and pointing out his various flaws and issues, but now acts as if he is a perfect person for her. My instinct is that she settling because she doesn't want to be alone she's 30 and he fits all the criteria on paper of a good husband. He's a really nice guy, treats her well, but is just sort of shlubby and boring. So, DCUM, do I let her know I think she settling or do I jump in like the rest of my family has and just ignore the fact that seems to be settling |
Anonymous
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Anything you say, she'll remember forever. If she marries him, she'll remember that she married the guy you thought wasn't good enough for her. When she has kids, she'll remember you think their father wasn't good enough for her. If they get divorced, she'll remember you never thought he was good enough for her and it might affect her reaching out to you.
What it won't do is make her stop being in love with him or change her plans. Will it be worth having said it knowing it likely won't change anything? Not to mention, you don't know what's in her head or heart. Being super in love didn't help her last time. Maybe she needs a more rational, practical kind of love now. |
Anonymous
| I don't think you can win here. If you tell her she is settling and she ends up marrying him she knows what you think about it and it's not good. I would stay out and be there for her wherever she decides to go. |
Anonymous
well said! |
Anonymous
| If he makes her happy, why do you care? You are not marrying him. |
Anonymous
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I didn't see you write anything about him being abusive.
So he's not sparkly and shiny. He treats her well. She's happy with him. Keep your mouth shut. |
Anonymous
+2 Look, its totally possible this will be a disaster. I think sometimes women "settle" and are doing neither themselves nor their new husband a favor, because they form a permanent view of their husband as some sort of "ok on paper but boring" chap, as you apparently have done with him. Then their marriage stinks, and that's sad. But, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, so preserve your relationship with your sister instead, and butt out. |
Anonymous
| MYOB. It's arrogant of you to think you know what she needs more than she does. |
Anonymous
| Why don't you ask her some questions and be genuinely open to her answers, so that you can understand how she's feeling? "How do you know joe is the one? How does this relationship compare to your relationship with Carl?" Resist any urge to offer commentary. Maybe you'll come away with a clearer sense of the relationship that will give you more confidence in her decision. Maybe the process of articulating her feelings will force her to reflect on her relationship. Maybe nothing will change at all. But I don't think you can do any harm by just asking open questions and listening to her. |
Anonymous
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Nothing you said shows that the second guy is worse or as bad as the first one. The question is, has your sister made the necessary introspection to find out what flaws she is willing to live with and what flaws she can't handle? Because that's really the crux of the matter: knowing what makes you tick. So you could suggest premarital counseling to make sure that they are both on the same page regarding finances and children and religion and education of their children and stuff. But you can't really criticize her choice of spouse, particularly if his worse traits are "shlubby and boring"! One more thing. Going into a marriage with a cool assessment of the fit is perhaps better than marrying while head over heels in love, ie hormonal and not thinking straight. |
Anonymous
This X 100000 You have no idea if this will last. So what she talked about new guy's flaws at first. We all have flaws and people can still love us . Perhaps after getting to know h better she grew to love him. Maybe she is a grown woman who is at a point in her life when she is quickly able to recognize what she wants and needs. She and ex broke for a reason (or lots of them)! |
Anonymous
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Absent abuse, I'd keep my mouth shut. You can maybe make a comment on how quick it's moving, if that seems appropriate, but even that probably won't do much.
Kinda boring and shlubby could also mean: patient, stable, loving, trustworthy, a good provider, a wonderful father. She might be realizing these things are more important than a guy with a perfect wardrobe and just the right amount of charisma. |
Anonymous
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OP here - thanks, all. My instinct was to keep my mouth shut, but I think I needed to hear it said.
At the end of the day he would be a really great brother in law for me, so I should be happy about that! |
Anonymous
| Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB. |
Anonymous
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Okay, so he's not hot, exciting, and engaged in a whirlwind romance with her. Those types often don't make good long-term partners, you know. There is a reason it didn't work out with her ex.
Long-term partnerships are about way more than excitement and butterflies. |