Reply to Sister settling - should I just shut up?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My sister just turned 30 and broke up with her very serious live in boyfriend. Her ex had his issues, but they were really in love and you could see that in the way that she behaved with him. She was pretty heartbroken but started dating immediately and met a new guy within a few months.  Four months later and they are now very very serious. I think she is completely settling, not because he's a bad guy, but she does not seem to love him at all . But at the same time she's talking about how they're going to get married and how he's great for her, etc.

In the beginning she made comments about how she didn't really love hanging out with him and pointing out his various flaws and issues, but now acts as if he is a perfect person for her. My instinct is that she settling because she doesn't want to be alone she's 30 and he fits all the criteria on paper of a good husband. He's a really nice guy, treats her well, but is just sort of shlubby and boring.

So, DCUM,  do I let her know I think she settling or do I jump in like the rest of my family has and just ignore the fact that seems to be settling[/quote]

A guy I was really happy seeing ghosted on me for three weeks. During that time, I allowed a guy who'd been after me for months to take me out. We got serious so quickly!! When the ghoster re-appeared, I'd already moved on to the guy who I'd end up marrying a short time later. It was a tough marriage and ended after a hard hard couple of years.

If that nice guy hadn't disappeared and left me all upset (and kinda vengeful) I never would have gone out with now-XH. I certainly wouldn't have married him! The ghoster was an intellectual equal who valued me. Turns out he ghosted, he said, because he got scared. He saw a future for us and needed time to think about the commitment. WHATEVER!!  There was a reason I hadn't taken future-XH up on his offers before then. He was a shiny penny. Beautiful, sexy, strong, but we didn't share backgrounds. Ghost and I would laugh in bed over jokes about the UN. XH bought fancy sunglasses and cherished his designer jeans. WTF? If I hadn't been so caught up in my hurt, I wouldn't have "punished" the ghoster by getting involved with Adonis. My fault entirely.

Girl, if I could share my experience with your sister, maybe I could get her to slow down enough to make a clearer assessment of her current beau. Schlubby and boring doesn't sound so bad. But rushing things to outrun bad feelings is.

What can you do? Ask questions about the future. Then ask if she's discussed these things with her guy. Maybe a bit of reality could clear up the fog of feelings. I remember the urgency, the sense of inevitability that characterized my early relationship. It's hard to breach. "Will Adonis be going with you to that conference each year?" "Are you taking Adonis to your class reunion?" The answer would have been "No" and maybe that would have told me something.

A wise man learns from other's mistakes. May your sister learn from mine.

[/quote]

You may be trying to rewrite the history in your mind. A man who valued you disappeared without an explanation, because he saw a future with you and got scared? For crying out loud!

Marrying your ex may have been a mistake, but please don't allow yourself to regret dumping your bf. Sob stories for ex gfs are just that.[/quote]

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