Sister settling - should I just shut up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

I'm not sure I'm using the word accurately, but that's not what I meant at all. He dresses really well, actually. Wears designer clothes and really trendy glasses. But he's slouchy and complains a lot (for example, after coming in from a walk he was groaning about how sore he was). This is just different from the rest of us who aren't big complainers. He's a big gesture guy, always brings beautiful flowers or chocolates, but it seems like over-compensating. But they are also relatively young, and in the new stages of romance, and he treats her well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, so he's not hot, exciting, and engaged in a whirlwind romance with her. Those types often don't make good long-term partners, you know. There is a reason it didn't work out with her ex.

Long-term partnerships are about way more than excitement and butterflies.

OP again - I, of course, know this. My own DH, with whom I couldn't be happier but realize also has many flaws, was also not a whirlwind romance. But it was very far from settling, too.

[Anonymous]

My sister married a guy like that so I get it. Don't say anything. I wish I hadn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

Posted by someone who is most likely shlubby and insecure about how she carries herself.

[Anonymous]

I was vocal about my concerns about my future sister in law to my brother, based largely on my brothers ambivalent behavior, reports of emotional abuse, and comments leading up to their engagement.

My brother disavows all of his doubts now, but I suspect SIL knows I have heard them and am not a true believer in their true love forever. SIL has now made it a point of putting him in a position to choose her over me, and I have stepped out of the way as graciously as I can. However, my heart is full of grief. My relationship with my brother will never be the same. My opinion will never be seen as coming from a place of love and concern for my closest most beloved sibling- but as all of the things PP said: bratty, judgmental, negative, holier than thou.

I wish I had just nodded my head and said "I'm so happy for you" on an endless loop. Discuss your concerns with someone else, and don't do anything to jeopardize future contact with your sister or her soon to be children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I dont get what the problem is here. He is nice, he treats your sister well.. so what--he complains sometimes? She recognizes his flaws? Seriously, what is the problem? Do you *want* your sister to be lonely and unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Gosh, you sound judgmental. Don't you dare say a word to her.

[Anonymous]

The only way you can talk about this is to watch for signs that she is actually not happy, and then talk about that. As a sibling, you can say, "Larla, you don't seem very happy these days. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

But just thinking that her perfectly nice boyfriend isn't good enough for her? MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, you sound judgmental. Don't you dare say a word to her.

I'm definitely judgmental. But I'm not at all gossipy, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I dont get what the problem is here. He is nice, he treats your sister well.. so what--he complains sometimes? She recognizes his flaws? Seriously, what is the problem? Do you *want* your sister to be lonely and unhappy?

No, but I'm not sure you have to marry the first person you meet after getting out of a three year relationship, either.

[Anonymous]

I wish I would have settled at 30 and I wish my sister would have encouraged me too.

- signed unmarried 40 yr old

[Anonymous]

Say absolutely nothing but positives. She might marry him, she might break up, she might be in love just wasn't right away and the only person who she will blame either way will be you no matter how it works out. If she marries him and you did say something, she will resent you forever, if she breaks up with him, she will resent you forever, since it was you contributing to the demise, even if he is just a fling. Maybe he is rich? If you want to have a good future relationship with your sister stay out of it. You sound meddling and controlling without any need. It really comes off that you don't like him from your post, but nobody cares if you don't like him. If he is not abusive, verbally or physically, why don't you like him? Because he is not good looking enough for you sis? He is a rebound, sounds like, but it is not up to you to fix it and choose your sister's suitors. So far from your post, it sounds like your sister is saying she would marry him, but we have no idea if she is just fantasizing or if it is happening tomorrow or years from now. To each their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

I'm not sure I'm using the word accurately, but that's not what I meant at all. He dresses really well, actually. Wears designer clothes and really trendy glasses. But he's slouchy and complains a lot (for example, after coming in from a walk he was groaning about how sore he was). This is just different from the rest of us who aren't big complainers. He's a big gesture guy, always brings beautiful flowers or chocolates, but it seems like over-compensating. But they are also relatively young, and in the new stages of romance, and he treats her well.

So he is a bit "slimy?" Low tone car salesman kind of person? Hard to take, I get what you are trying to say if I interpreted your words right? I wouldn't like him either if "slimy" is the right word. You say "Should I just shut up?" meaning that you already said something. It is too late now, but keep quiet from now on, to try to salvage any damage you have already done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just turned 30 and broke up with her very serious live in boyfriend. Her ex had his issues, but they were really in love and you could see that in the way that she behaved with him. She was pretty heartbroken but started dating immediately and met a new guy within a few months. Four months later and they are now very very serious. I think she is completely settling, not because he's a bad guy, but she does not seem to love him at all . But at the same time she's talking about how they're going to get married and how he's great for her, etc.

In the beginning she made comments about how she didn't really love hanging out with him and pointing out his various flaws and issues, but now acts as if he is a perfect person for her. My instinct is that she settling because she doesn't want to be alone she's 30 and he fits all the criteria on paper of a good husband. He's a really nice guy, treats her well, but is just sort of shlubby and boring.

So, DCUM, do I let her know I think she settling or do I jump in like the rest of my family has and just ignore the fact that seems to be settling

A guy I was really happy seeing ghosted on me for three weeks. During that time, I allowed a guy who'd been after me for months to take me out. We got serious so quickly!! When the ghoster re-appeared, I'd already moved on to the guy who I'd end up marrying a short time later. It was a tough marriage and ended after a hard hard couple of years.

If that nice guy hadn't disappeared and left me all upset (and kinda vengeful) I never would have gone out with now-XH. I certainly wouldn't have married him! The ghoster was an intellectual equal who valued me. Turns out he ghosted, he said, because he got scared. He saw a future for us and needed time to think about the commitment. WHATEVER!! There was a reason I hadn't taken future-XH up on his offers before then. He was a shiny penny. Beautiful, sexy, strong, but we didn't share backgrounds. Ghost and I would laugh in bed over jokes about the UN. XH bought fancy sunglasses and cherished his designer jeans. WTF? If I hadn't been so caught up in my hurt, I wouldn't have "punished" the ghoster by getting involved with Adonis. My fault entirely.

Girl, if I could share my experience with your sister, maybe I could get her to slow down enough to make a clearer assessment of her current beau. Schlubby and boring doesn't sound so bad. But rushing things to outrun bad feelings is.

What can you do? Ask questions about the future. Then ask if she's discussed these things with her guy. Maybe a bit of reality could clear up the fog of feelings. I remember the urgency, the sense of inevitability that characterized my early relationship. It's hard to breach. "Will Adonis be going with you to that conference each year?" "Are you taking Adonis to your class reunion?" The answer would have been "No" and maybe that would have told me something.

A wise man learns from other's mistakes. May your sister learn from mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shlubby? What's that even mean? He doesn't dress well? Nothing in your post indicates that she hasn't grown to love him. Frankly you sound pretty snobby. MYOB.

I'm not sure I'm using the word accurately, but that's not what I meant at all. He dresses really well, actually. Wears designer clothes and really trendy glasses. But he's slouchy and complains a lot (for example, after coming in from a walk he was groaning about how sore he was). This is just different from the rest of us who aren't big complainers. He's a big gesture guy, always brings beautiful flowers or chocolates, but it seems like over-compensating. But they are also relatively young, and in the new stages of romance, and he treats her well.

So he is a bit "slimy?" Low tone car salesman kind of person? Hard to take, I get what you are trying to say if I interpreted your words right? I wouldn't like him either if "slimy" is the right word. You say "Should I just shut up?" meaning that you already said something. It is too late now, but keep quiet from now on, to try to salvage any damage you have already done.

More like a slimy high-end salesman, but also a good talker. Something just feels...yuck! I haven't said anything to her recently, but I did engage with her when she brought up the things she was not thrilled about in the first few months. More recently I've made a few jokes that probably hit too close to home as they have a grain of salt. That's what I'm going to stop doing. I haven't said - "Beth, Daniel isn't good enough for you and it seems to me like you're settling because you're worried about ending up alone and don't think you can find someone you love as much as ex BF," which is what I'd say if it were appropriate for me to voice my actual opinion. I should add that my sister is beautiful, smart, and a good person, so she really really doesn't need to settle.

At the end of the day, this is her decision. He wont hurt her. He will be a good partner. They may live happily ever after or may break up - who knows, but I don't need to weigh in anymore.