Reply to I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "I'm on the verge of divorce, talk me down"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are a stressed out mom of a toddler.  It would be nice if your husband would help a bit more at home, but chaos and untidiness in the home right now go with the territory.  I often advocate divorce for situations posted in this forum, but your situation does NOT even come close.  If you can get a little outside help, do so.  If not, please just stop trying to have a "show house" so you can relax and enjoy your young family.  They grow really fast and you will have plenty of time to clean the kitchen counter when your little one is off at school in a few years.[/quote]

OP here. This is not about having a "show house". Some people hate messiness. Physical messiness creates mental messiness for some. I happen to be one of those people. Cleanliness creates calm for me. As the mother of a toddler i understand that my home won't be as clean as pre-baby, but I would like in the meantime for my spouse to step up and stop contributing to the mess in communal areas of our house.[/quote]

[b]No, "some" people don't hate messiness. All people hate messiness.[/b] And all people think their spouses do annoying things. Right now, you feel like you are in a unique situation where you uniquely like clean and calm environments and your husband is uniquely messy. Both of these claims are false. If you replaced your husband, you would think the new one is messy too. And if he replaced you, your replacement would also dislike his mess. If you truly can't live like this and think being not in a relationship would be better for you, then yes, get a divorce. If you think that you are in a unique situation that can somehow be fixed by divorcing and remarrying, no, you're not. If you plan to remarry, what the whole thing will get you is a lot of pain, frustration, and wasted money all to get you into exactly the same situation as you are now.[/quote]

False.  Messiness just doesn't bug me the way it bugs others.  I actually get stressed out when things are TOO neat.  I feel better with a little mess and clutter.  It's my husband who gets bugged by mess.

So here's my advice OP:

(1) Resign yourself to being the one to lead the charge on clean up because you're the one that cares.

(2) Ask your spouse to do better *for your sake* - not because it's innately better, although you think it is.  Most people respond far better to positives than negatives.

(3) Be really appreciative as he improves.  Focus on areas where he's getting better rather than the places where he still sucks. I can not tell you how frustrating, discouraging and counterproductive it is when I make a real effort to clean up one space in our house and rather than focusing on that my spouse criticizes another not-cleaned-up space.  Makes me want to say F U and strop trying since I'm doing it *for him* (see #2.)

(4) Since you're more time crunched than pre-kids, figure out if there are other elements of family life you can switch to your DH to balance this out.  We all have our strengths and weaknesses.  Speaking as a person unbothered by clutter, I can improve on being neater, but it will NEVER come as easily or naturally for me as it does for some people - it just isn't rewarding enough for me.  However there are (what feels like) an endless number of other areas that need to be managed in family life.  Try to focus on your DH's strengths and figure out what things he can take off your plate that will maximize the family benefit.  Ideally you're looking to split tasks by optimizing on everybody's innate talents / skills so that all the work gets done with the least amount of pain.  
--An example from our family: I plan ALL trips / vacations.  DH enjoys going on good trips but doesn't enjoy the planing at all (and frankly, he's bad at it), while I LOVE trip planning, so putting in the time to plan trips doesn't *feel* like work to me.  Thus with this split he doesn't need to do work he doesn't enjoy, I don't resent DH that I'm putting in that work, and we all get a great trip.  It's a win-win for all of us.  [/quote]

OK, fine, some people also don't like it sparkling. But you['re saying you wish your husband would leave the cabinet door open more often after he takes stuff out? People have different gradations in what they find messy. But OP currently thinks she suffers from a semi-unique situation which makes her more sensitive, and literally nothing she has described in her post is even vaguely out of the ordinary.[/quote]

No - I'm saying *I'm* likely to leave the cabinet doors open, that *I'm* likely to drive my DH up a wall by letting clutter take over every flat surface in our house. *I* am like OP's DH.  And I'm giving her tips on how best to manage living with someone like me / her husband.  Her husband can certainly improve, but from how she writes she basically wants her DH to be a different person / to be personally bothered by the mess, and that's just not gonna happen. So she needs to figure out ways to get overall improvement in their life together / her level of happiness.  And there are ways to do that, but expecting your spouse to radically change their behavior is generally a recipe for unhappiness.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics