I don't know how to process this fight/anger with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And are you a stay at home mom versus your husband who works fulltime? When i was on maternity leave, i NEVER made DH get up for the baby. He works crazy hours hes exhausted. Staying at home, i was able to catch up on sleep at nap times all week.

Husband works reasonable hours. I get up earlier then him. I'm up with toddler every day at six. He doesn't get up til 7. Toddler sleeps 7pm to 6am. Fairly typical. But again, not really the point here. If he didn't want to wake up he can just tell me and we can figure it out. Mad bc he holds it over my head at child's expense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And are you a stay at home mom versus your husband who works fulltime? When i was on maternity leave, i NEVER made DH get up for the baby. He works crazy hours hes exhausted. Staying at home, i was able to catch up on sleep at nap times all week.

Husband works reasonable hours. I get up earlier then him. I'm up with toddler every day at six. He doesn't get up til 7. Toddler sleeps 7pm to 6am. Fairly typical. But again, not really the point here. If he didn't want to wake up he can just tell me and we can figure it out. Mad bc he holds it over my head at child's expense.

Really, that's ALL you're mad about?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would have a huge problem with this. Who works, who stays at home, who was sleeping late is not the issue. The issue is the child's immediate needs. A situation like this is not the time for bean counting and who did what last and who does more. It's a call to action.

You don't have a partnership with your spouse. If your child was screaming because he had caught a foot or hurt himself, you can't count on your spouse. If your child fell, you can't count on him. You can't count on him. That's the bottom line. And it would be the breaking point for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And are you a stay at home mom versus your husband who works fulltime? When i was on maternity leave, i NEVER made DH get up for the baby. He works crazy hours hes exhausted. Staying at home, i was able to catch up on sleep at nap times all week.

Husband works reasonable hours. I get up earlier then him. I'm up with toddler every day at six. He doesn't get up til 7. Toddler sleeps 7pm to 6am. Fairly typical. But again, not really the point here. If he didn't want to wake up he can just tell me and we can figure it out. Mad bc he holds it over my head at child's expense.

Really, that's ALL you're mad about?

She is mad that her son sat in a diaper that was full of poop and her husband said he would take care of it and didn't. Her child SUFFERED. That's a fair thing to be mad about. The child is innocent. Are you ok with children suffering at the hands of a parents revenge?

It not a minor thing.

[Anonymous]

If the toddler sleeps 7-6, why are you sleep deprived?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people are questioning the arrangement, as that isn't the point. The point is he backed out of the arrangement, didn't say he was doing so, and knew his child suffered - mildly but unnecessarily - as a result and didn't care. Sorry, OP, id be pissed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the toddler sleeps 7-6, why are you sleep deprived?

This. I also don't understand why you need to sleep in so badly. I understand what you're angry about with him neglecting the toddler, but not why you think sleeping in is your sanity saver. Presumably your toddler also naps, and you can do the same during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off. DH is supposed to wake up with our child on Sunday mornings at 6 am. The night before, we got in a fight, and he was upset with me and slept on the couch. This morning, when our toddler son started crying, he didn't get him or check on him. When I checked on him, he had pooped through his clothes and was hungry and dirty. DH refused to take care of him because he was still upset at me. He's trying to make nice now, but I'm really struggling with:
1) trust as a parenting partner - I'm upset by this dynamic, that he can shirk his parenting duties because he knows I will always step up and care for our son.
2)using not caring for our son as a tool to "get back at me".

This is not the first time he has done this either. Me getting to sleep in on Sunday is sanity-saving for me. I look forward to it all week, and he knows that and likes to dangle not getting up with DS as a punishment of sorts if he is upset with me. Needless to say, we do not have a great marriage, but this is really breaking me.

Without a spouse, you'd be the one getting up. There's the perspective check you asked for, though I'm pretty sure it's not what you wanted to hear.

Your husband is being infantile (if what you've said is the whole of the truth). That's annoying. The only part of this that is somewhat concerning is that he's allegedly willing to let your kid suffer. That's really messed up.

Then again, I don't know when your son started crying, what you were doing (were you already up?), how long he was allegedly allowed to cry, etc.

Again, assuming your post is entirely true, this is what I'd do:

Tell your husband to stop being such a bitch. Those exact words. Tell him that passive-aggressive twattery is the height of female stupidity, and you married him believing he was a man. A man doesn't leave his son to suffer for any length of time for any reason. Then ignore the bastard.

Report back in a week.

You are a disgusting person.

NP. Why?
And you added nothing of value here, not even an explanation of your bizarre opinion. Perhaps you're a twit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your H sounds like a total jerk. He is wallowing in his sense of being in control- you depending on him.
Please please become independent any way you can!

I really agree with this advice, because I think the long-term picture here is not a good one for you and DS. You need to find groups in the area where you can volunteer and get work experience, or get a job through another means (teleworking or freelancing for a US-based company?). You need to find out what your options are regarding leaving him, which may require biding your time until he's relocated back stateside and/or laying some careful groundwork under your feet so that you have financial and emotional independence. Can you talk to your family about what's going on, to start involving them in a long-term plan?

Back to the short term, I think you need to focus on solutions to get you through the toddler years. For better or worse, I'm under the impression he feels he's "doing enough" by being the income generator and really doesn't want to do more. Sure you can fight with him about this, but I would not guess that fighting is going to make the short-term picture easier or better. So I personally think your short term plan is to step up and do "it all." If you are a SAH mom, you might schedule downtime/nap in midday to help ease this burden. If you need emotional support, I'd look to clergy, online forums, and your family/friends back home.

GL to you. I think there's a way out here, but it will take a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound a little lazy: you want a PT nanny, a housekeeper, to sleep in on Sundays, and you don't want to/can't work.

It's OK to be lazy when you can throw money at the problem, but it sounds like money is tight and you're still trying to live the lifestyle you were when you had double the HHI, and no child.

Things changed: your HHI was cut in half, and you moved far away, and you had a baby. You can't afford to be lazy right now, so something has to give. Which is probably what your DH is trying to say.

I get up early on Saturday mornings to clean the house for two hours while DH entertains DS. On Sunday mornings, I take DS while DH does the exterior maintenance or plays handyman. It's not the leisurely life we enjoyed pre-kids, but it's what needs to be done for the short term.

You and your husband need to sit down today, during naptime and discuss allocation of resources: financial, time, and human, and come up with a way you can pay the bills, care for the house, care for your child, and engage in reasonable (and equitable) "me" time. Come up with the plan together, and be willing to sacrifice a little in light of your new financial situation, and there will be less resentment/fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And are you a stay at home mom versus your husband who works fulltime? When i was on maternity leave, i NEVER made DH get up for the baby. He works crazy hours hes exhausted. Staying at home, i was able to catch up on sleep at nap times all week.

OP doesn't want to do that. OP wants her husband who works full-time to support her to get up instead of her.

Her husband sleeps in every day. What's the big deal about swapping mornings in on the weekend?

However, OP, if you're picking fights with him that essentially accuse him of not caring about you, you're kind of daring him to prove it. It sucks that your son is collateral damage here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was being passive-aggressive. People who do that are immature. I would not want a baby with someone immature.

Do you eat your crumpets and drink your tea with your pinkie finger sticking straight out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

At 6 am, son wakes up. Husband is sleeping downstairs on couch. I yell from upstairs that son is awake. He says ok. I fall back asleep, wake up 25 min later, son is fussing, I call for husband, husband tells me "you can take care of it". I check on him, he's poopy and sheets are soiled. I call down and ask husband for help getting him cleaned up and sheets changed, husband ignores. I wrap poopy-bottom baby in a towel and place him on DS on the couch and go back upstairs to run the bath. I come downstairs to find poopy DS wandering around living room, husband ignoring him and still lying on couch (living room is child proofed/safe, but kitchen is not, and door to kitchen was open). I ask DH for help again, DH ignores and says he will get him in two hours. I put DS in bath, clean him up, dry and dress him, strip sheets, take him downstairs, fix him breakfast. DH ignores. Once DS is cleaned and fed, and breakfast is all cleaned up, and bedding is laundered,DH starts to feel some remorse and says he will take DS.

"I yell from upstairs that son is awake"

Stay out of it, lady! If the arrangement/agreement between you and your spouse is that you're off duty, BE OFF DUTY. You're micromanaging. Stop.

Your husband has grown to expect that you'll always be the one on duty because you always are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off.

This web site is for DC area parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off.

This web site is for DC area parents.

Oh, FFS. I think we've established a parenting forum is for anyone who wants to use it. Or is parenting in DC so very different?