I don't know how to process this fight/anger with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off. DH is supposed to wake up with our child on Sunday mornings at 6 am. The night before, we got in a fight, and he was upset with me and slept on the couch. This morning, when our toddler son started crying, he didn't get him or check on him. When I checked on him, he had pooped through his clothes and was hungry and dirty. DH refused to take care of him because he was still upset at me. He's trying to make nice now, but I'm really struggling with:
1) trust as a parenting partner - I'm upset by this dynamic, that he can shirk his parenting duties because he knows I will always step up and care for our son.
2)using not caring for our son as a tool to "get back at me".

This is not the first time he has done this either. Me getting to sleep in on Sunday is sanity-saving for me. I look forward to it all week, and he knows that and likes to dangle not getting up with DS as a punishment of sorts if he is upset with me. Needless to say, we do not have a great marriage, but this is really breaking me.

Without a spouse, you'd be the one getting up. There's the perspective check you asked for, though I'm pretty sure it's not what you wanted to hear.

Your husband is being infantile (if what you've said is the whole of the truth). That's annoying. The only part of this that is somewhat concerning is that he's allegedly willing to let your kid suffer. That's really messed up.

Then again, I don't know when your son started crying, what you were doing (were you already up?), how long he was allegedly allowed to cry, etc.

Again, assuming your post is entirely true, this is what I'd do:

Tell your husband to stop being such a bitch. Those exact words. Tell him that passive-aggressive twattery is the height of female stupidity, and you married him believing he was a man. A man doesn't leave his son to suffer for any length of time for any reason. Then ignore the bastard.

Report back in a week.

At 6 am, son wakes up. Husband is sleeping downstairs on couch. I yell from upstairs that son is awake. He says ok. I fall back asleep, wake up 25 min later, son is fussing, I call for husband, husband tells me "you can take care of it". I check on him, he's poopy and sheets are soiled. I call down and ask husband for help getting him cleaned up and sheets changed, husband ignores. I wrap poopy-bottom baby in a towel and place him on DS on the couch and go back upstairs to run the bath. I come downstairs to find poopy DS wandering around living room, husband ignoring him and still lying on couch (living room is child proofed/safe, but kitchen is not, and door to kitchen was open). I ask DH for help again, DH ignores and says he will get him in two hours. I put DS in bath, clean him up, dry and dress him, strip sheets, take him downstairs, fix him breakfast. DH ignores. Once DS is cleaned and fed, and breakfast is all cleaned up, and bedding is laundered,DH starts to feel some remorse and says he will take DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the Brussels poster? Regardless, it's an
asshole thing to do; do you let him sleep in on Saturday mornings?

This was my thought

not the Brussels poster, we are further east!

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't think the real issue is whether or not he let you sleep in, which the post seems to be implying. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. To me, the problem is that he is not willing to go and help his own child when the child is crying and in need. That's awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I don't think the real issue is whether or not he let you sleep in, which the post seems to be implying. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. To me, the problem is that he is not willing to go and help his own child when the child is crying and in need. That's awful.

OP here - He knows I will never let my child suffer, therefore the child will never suffer. So he can use not caring for the child/putting more burden on me as a way to hurt me.

[Anonymous]

Is this your post? http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/553344.page

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't think the real issue is whether or not he let you sleep in, which the post seems to be implying. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. To me, the problem is that he is not willing to go and help his own child when the child is crying and in need. That's awful.

OP here - He knows I will never let my child suffer, therefore the child will never suffer. So he can use not caring for the child/putting more burden on me as a way to hurt me.

If he is letting your child wander the living room covered in poop, there's an issue with him adequately caring for the child, aside from the marriage. The very, very least he could have done was articulate that he was not going to help, so that you would know you needed to handle the situation alone.

[Anonymous]

OP. I SAH too. I would be weary of a husband like yours. I rarely say this here but this man manipulation is at the expanse of his flesh and blood. I would not trust or depend on someone like that. He may bring home the income but he is not really an asset to you. Being cold hearted to his own child to get back at you? Yuk. Sorry OP, but you didn't pick well with this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off. DH is supposed to wake up with our child on Sunday mornings at 6 am. The night before, we got in a fight, and he was upset with me and slept on the couch. This morning, when our toddler son started crying, he didn't get him or check on him. When I checked on him, he had pooped through his clothes and was hungry and dirty. DH refused to take care of him because he was still upset at me. He's trying to make nice now, but I'm really struggling with:
1) trust as a parenting partner - I'm upset by this dynamic, that he can shirk his parenting duties because he knows I will always step up and care for our son.
2)using not caring for our son as a tool to "get back at me".

This is not the first time he has done this either. Me getting to sleep in on Sunday is sanity-saving for me. I look forward to it all week, and he knows that and likes to dangle not getting up with DS as a punishment of sorts if he is upset with me. Needless to say, we do not have a great marriage, but this is really breaking me.

Without a spouse, you'd be the one getting up. There's the perspective check you asked for, though I'm pretty sure it's not what you wanted to hear.

Your husband is being infantile (if what you've said is the whole of the truth). That's annoying. The only part of this that is somewhat concerning is that he's allegedly willing to let your kid suffer. That's really messed up.

Then again, I don't know when your son started crying, what you were doing (were you already up?), how long he was allegedly allowed to cry, etc.

Again, assuming your post is entirely true, this is what I'd do:

Tell your husband to stop being such a bitch. Those exact words. Tell him that passive-aggressive twattery is the height of female stupidity, and you married him believing he was a man. A man doesn't leave his son to suffer for any length of time for any reason. Then ignore the bastard.

Report back in a week.

At 6 am, son wakes up. Husband is sleeping downstairs on couch. I yell from upstairs that son is awake. He says ok. I fall back asleep, wake up 25 min later, son is fussing, I call for husband, husband tells me "you can take care of it". I check on him, he's poopy and sheets are soiled. I call down and ask husband for help getting him cleaned up and sheets changed, husband ignores. I wrap poopy-bottom baby in a towel and place him on DS on the couch and go back upstairs to run the bath. I come downstairs to find poopy DS wandering around living room, husband ignoring him and still lying on couch (living room is child proofed/safe, but kitchen is not, and door to kitchen was open). I ask DH for help again, DH ignores and says he will get him in two hours. I put DS in bath, clean him up, dry and dress him, strip sheets, take him downstairs, fix him breakfast. DH ignores. Once DS is cleaned and fed, and breakfast is all cleaned up, and bedding is laundered,DH starts to feel some remorse and says he will take DS.

Yeah that is really f'd up. Sounds like you need to tell him if he's not willing to get up on Sunday mornings as he has committed to that you will hire a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off. DH is supposed to wake up with our child on Sunday mornings at 6 am. The night before, we got in a fight, and he was upset with me and slept on the couch. This morning, when our toddler son started crying, he didn't get him or check on him. When I checked on him, he had pooped through his clothes and was hungry and dirty. DH refused to take care of him because he was still upset at me. He's trying to make nice now, but I'm really struggling with:
1) trust as a parenting partner - I'm upset by this dynamic, that he can shirk his parenting duties because he knows I will always step up and care for our son.
2)using not caring for our son as a tool to "get back at me".

This is not the first time he has done this either. Me getting to sleep in on Sunday is sanity-saving for me. I look forward to it all week, and he knows that and likes to dangle not getting up with DS as a punishment of sorts if he is upset with me. Needless to say, we do not have a great marriage, but this is really breaking me.

Without a spouse, you'd be the one getting up. There's the perspective check you asked for, though I'm pretty sure it's not what you wanted to hear.

Your husband is being infantile (if what you've said is the whole of the truth). That's annoying. The only part of this that is somewhat concerning is that he's allegedly willing to let your kid suffer. That's really messed up.

Then again, I don't know when your son started crying, what you were doing (were you already up?), how long he was allegedly allowed to cry, etc.

Again, assuming your post is entirely true, this is what I'd do:

Tell your husband to stop being such a bitch. Those exact words. Tell him that passive-aggressive twattery is the height of female stupidity, and you married him believing he was a man. A man doesn't leave his son to suffer for any length of time for any reason. Then ignore the bastard.

Report back in a week.

You are a disgusting person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I don't think the real issue is whether or not he let you sleep in, which the post seems to be implying. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. To me, the problem is that he is not willing to go and help his own child when the child is crying and in need. That's awful.

OP here - He knows I will never let my child suffer, therefore the child will never suffer. So he can use not caring for the child/putting more burden on me as a way to hurt me.

What would happen if you threw on some sweats, and went out for coffee on your own, leaving your son with your husband? Do you think he'd still ignore his child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I don't think the real issue is whether or not he let you sleep in, which the post seems to be implying. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. To me, the problem is that he is not willing to go and help his own child when the child is crying and in need. That's awful.

OP here - He knows I will never let my child suffer, therefore the child will never suffer. So he can use not caring for the child/putting more burden on me as a way to hurt me.

What would happen if you threw on some sweats, and went out for coffee on your own, leaving your son with your husband? Do you think he'd still ignore his child?

She needs sleep!

OP, do you have family nearby you can count on?

[Anonymous]

Your H sounds like a total jerk. He is wallowing in his sense of being in control- you depending on him.
Please please become independent any way you can!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have this rage in inside that I cannot let go of, hoping your outside perspective can help me. We're in a different time zone, so the times are off. DH is supposed to wake up with our child on Sunday mornings at 6 am. The night before, we got in a fight, and he was upset with me and slept on the couch. This morning, when our toddler son started crying, he didn't get him or check on him. When I checked on him, he had pooped through his clothes and was hungry and dirty. DH refused to take care of him because he was still upset at me. He's trying to make nice now, but I'm really struggling with:
1) trust as a parenting partner - I'm upset by this dynamic, that he can shirk his parenting duties because he knows I will always step up and care for our son.
2)using not caring for our son as a tool to "get back at me".

This is not the first time he has done this either. Me getting to sleep in on Sunday is sanity-saving for me. I look forward to it all week, and he knows that and likes to dangle not getting up with DS as a punishment of sorts if he is upset with me. Needless to say, we do not have a great marriage, but this is really breaking me.

Without a spouse, you'd be the one getting up. There's the perspective check you asked for, though I'm pretty sure it's not what you wanted to hear.

Your husband is being infantile (if what you've said is the whole of the truth). That's annoying. The only part of this that is somewhat concerning is that he's allegedly willing to let your kid suffer. That's really messed up.

Then again, I don't know when your son started crying, what you were doing (were you already up?), how long he was allegedly allowed to cry, etc.

Again, assuming your post is entirely true, this is what I'd do:

Tell your husband to stop being such a bitch. Those exact words. Tell him that passive-aggressive twattery is the height of female stupidity, and you married him believing he was a man. A man doesn't leave his son to suffer for any length of time for any reason. Then ignore the bastard.

Report back in a week.

At 6 am, son wakes up. Husband is sleeping downstairs on couch. I yell from upstairs that son is awake. He says ok. I fall back asleep, wake up 25 min later, son is fussing, I call for husband, husband tells me "you can take care of it". I check on him, he's poopy and sheets are soiled. I call down and ask husband for help getting him cleaned up and sheets changed, husband ignores. I wrap poopy-bottom baby in a towel and place him on DS on the couch and go back upstairs to run the bath. I come downstairs to find poopy DS wandering around living room, husband ignoring him and still lying on couch (living room is child proofed/safe, but kitchen is not, and door to kitchen was open). I ask DH for help again, DH ignores and says he will get him in two hours. I put DS in bath, clean him up, dry and dress him, strip sheets, take him downstairs, fix him breakfast. DH ignores. Once DS is cleaned and fed, and breakfast is all cleaned up, and bedding is laundered,DH starts to feel some remorse and says he will take DS.

Sleep depravation drives anyone mad. Why is your son on a schedule to wake up at 6am??? I would go insane if my DD woke at 6am on weekends. Shes always slept till at least 8am minimum unless i wake her sooner.

[Anonymous]

And are you a stay at home mom versus your husband who works fulltime? When i was on maternity leave, i NEVER made DH get up for the baby. He works crazy hours hes exhausted. Staying at home, i was able to catch up on sleep at nap times all week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And are you a stay at home mom versus your husband who works fulltime? When i was on maternity leave, i NEVER made DH get up for the baby. He works crazy hours hes exhausted. Staying at home, i was able to catch up on sleep at nap times all week.

OP doesn't want to do that. OP wants her husband who works full-time to support her to get up instead of her.