Afraid to allow 11 DD back to new friend's house - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. We moved from the DC area to a more rural place. We live in the big town, but one of my daughter's friends (at the time also about 11 years old) lived in the rural outskirts. The first time I dropped my daughter off, I almost died. Their driveway was gravel, there was a rusting mobile home on their property, and the small, old house was out in the boonies. Oh, and I had met the mom at back-to-school night, and she mentioned that she was a single mom when she had her daughter (at age 20).

Their background was so different from mine, that I admit I was a bit nervous about leaving my daughter there. And I only let her have a sleepover there when I knew the stepdad was out of town. It is now 3 years later, and the girls are still good friends. The mom is perfectly nice who comes from a very different background from me. Her stepdad is pleasant, too.

I would let the friendship grow gradually. Invite the girl over. Have her mom stop in when she drops her off or picks her up and get to know her. Ask your daughter about the dad and/or brother. Are they nice? Does she see them when she's over there, etc.

I've had my "spidey senses" set off at different times - even at upper-middle class homes. I don't think my gut has necessarily been right, as from what I understand, molesters are often those you least expect - the ones that don't set off your "spidey senses." I just think it means we're more aware of what "could" happen and people who are different from us trigger our senses more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. I grew up in a rural, working-class part of the NE. People like you describe -- while they can be nice and friendly -- are disorganized and have trash everywhere for a reason. Usually drug abuse.

I wouldn't argue with trusting your gut, but I'd definitely say that untreated and/or unacknowledged depression would be a much more common cause than drug abuse. And that doesn't mean it would be an unsafe environment, but the advice below is a great way to proceed. A typical child of this age can make choices and give you feedback to guide the process.

Anonymous wrote:
I would let the friendship grow gradually. Invite the girl over. Have her mom stop in when she drops her off or picks her up and get to know her. Ask your daughter about the dad and/or brother. Are they nice? Does she see them when she's over there, etc.

I've had my "spidey senses" set off at different times - even at upper-middle class homes. I don't think my gut has necessarily been right, as from what I understand, molesters are often those you least expect - the ones that don't set off your "spidey senses." I just think it means we're more aware of what "could" happen and people who are different from us trigger our senses more.

Yes to both paragraphs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

do you have a son? are you OK with families forbidding their daughters from coming to your house because he exists? If not, would you be OK with it? Just trying to understand the logic. Millions of girls have older brothers, it just seems ...so paranoid to never allow your daughter in a home where there is an older brother.

FYI I was molested by a friend's dad. But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to forbid my daughter to go to homes where there is a Dad! WTF?!

+1000

I'm wondering about this too. I mean, do what you want, but it never even occurred to me that parents of my daughter's friends might reject a playdate simply because my son exists! How degrading.

[Anonymous]

For me it would have nothing to do with income or trash in the yard. I live in Bethesda and I sometimes don't feel comfortable leaving my kid at a huge, immaculate house for a play date. I don't care if I can't articulate why -- if I don't feel comfortable with him there, he doesn't go.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to your daughter OP?

What did she say?

[Anonymous]

Um, is this a private school issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it would have nothing to do with income or trash in the yard. I live in Bethesda and I sometimes don't feel comfortable leaving my kid at a huge, immaculate house for a play date. I don't care if I can't articulate why -- if I don't feel comfortable with him there, he doesn't go.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me it would have nothing to do with income or trash in the yard. I live in Bethesda and I sometimes don't feel comfortable leaving my kid at a huge, immaculate house for a play date. I don't care if I can't articulate why -- if I don't feel comfortable with him there, he doesn't go.

+1

i agree. I don't care what the house looks like (unless there are heroin paraphynalia left around) - its the vibe and the people. My DD has a friend whose Dad is a humorless Russian with a bad temper and whose mother is unable to speak English and seems terrified of him.

Is my DD going to that house?

Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up poor, but my home was always well maintained, bed made everyday, bathroom cleaned once a week, dishes doesn't sit in the sink for a week, laundry is done at least once a week. We had sheets for window treatment but no holes in them.

So no. I would not let my kid hang out at unkept and dirty place. This type of disorganization shows they're not taking in their environment and not the type of value that's alined with ours. I would be concerned about how my DD would be influenced in a place like this. If my DD's friend is someone of good character then they would be invited to my house but not the other way around.

I also grew up in a poor family. My mom used to say, you can't help it if you don't have money, but that is no excuse to be sloppy. No way in hell would i put my child in that situation.

More than one older brorher tried to molest me, so based on that experience I am also easy of older brothers until I know the family and that the girls are prperly supervised.

[Anonymous]

My DD is ten - I don't think I'd want her to go anyplace I hadn't been first, or at least met the parents.

But since you did, at this point I'd ask DD how it went and see how much info I could get.

Then yes, I'd have Susan over.

After that? I don't know. It would depend on a lot of things - i might ask around (especially if you're in a rural area) and see what the vernal feeling is. What's the reputation of the older brother, for example?

I grew up in a rural area and had friends who lived in trailers and friends who lived in houses with their own pools - basically a wide variety. I think it's a good grounding that people are people and you should treat everyone equally. But gut feelings are important, so look beyond a superficial classism and dig into your feelings - what's really the basis of your unease? Will meeting the other family members help? Etc.

[Anonymous]

if you are uncomfortable, don't invite her to your house either. do functions outside in public places. And don't go to each other's houses. next you will suspect her if something happen to go missing in your house.......

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut, and be aware that you may be wrong until you know the area better. I grew up poor in south central VA, and there is a difference between normal rural yard stuff (maybe a car on blocks, maybe a derelict satellite dish, certainly a gravel driveway -- basically stuff that would cost money to get rid of) and trash everywhere (which costs nothing to clean up).

My grandmother has some of that stuff in her yard (my grandfather died years ago, she would be uncomfortable with someone else getting rid of the old satellite dish), but she would never have trash in her yard or ragged curtains.

[Anonymous]

Nope, I wouldn't let her go back. Not at that age. It's prime molestation age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on people. Just because a family is poor doesn't mean they need to have trash strewn all over the yard. And poor does not equal dirty. This is neglect. I would not let my daughter over there. Invite Susan to your house.

This.

+1

+2

I currently live in an area like this, and I wouldn't let my child visit a family that lived like this. You can be poor and still maintain your property, and yes, I see tons of houses with trash strewn about the yard. There's a reason for that (drugs, alcohol, poor decision making?), and it's not something I'd want her around.

[Anonymous]

Op - you get to decide. It's what you get to do/ have to do as a parent. Details are unimportant.