Afraid to allow 11 DD back to new friend's house - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Where is OP? I smell a troll.

[Anonymous]

She's busy shaping all of her notes into a chapter in her novel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up poor, but my home was always well maintained, bed made everyday, bathroom cleaned once a week, dishes doesn't sit in the sink for a week, laundry is done at least once a week. We had sheets for window treatment but no holes in them.

So no. I would not let my kid hang out at unkept and dirty place. This type of disorganization shows they're not taking in their environment and not the type of value that's alined with ours. I would be concerned about how my DD would be influenced in a place like this. If my DD's friend is someone of good character then they would be invited to my house but not the other way around.

I also grew up in a poor family. My mom used to say, you can't help it if you don't have money, but that is no excuse to be sloppy. No way in hell would i put my child in that situation.

More than one older brorher tried to molest me, so based on that experience I am also easy of older brothers until I know the family and that the girls are prperly supervised.

That is horrifying to me, as the patent of both a girl and a boy -- the fact that this happened to you more than once. This thread is very sobering.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, I wouldn't let her go back. Not at that age. It's prime molestation age.

You realize there are child molesters who live in nice houses, too, right?

[Anonymous]

My sister in law lives like this. They are not poor, but slobs. In fact, they are really well off, I think close to a million a year. Their house is not in a bad neighborhood though and kids are older now, but when they were younger after a few times my kids went there, I didn't want them going to her place anymore. She never had food, I would find out that kids were left alone, they were much younger then and I was not ok with it. Even her brother, my DH dislikes going to her place because of how dirty and disorganized it all is. At least your DD's friends family has an excuse, they are poor as you say. I wouldn't assume anything about the older brother and dad, those were unfounded assumptions you made that could be made about kids in wealthy families as well, but you shouldn't assume people are perverts just because they are poor. I would think that to the friend your DD might be precious as she is willing to play and be her friend when many others avoid her due to her circumstances and that the mom really appreciated you letting your DD come to their place. Use your judgement but don't judge the girl based on her being poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes have Susan over to your place. No reason the girls should suffer for things not their fault.

But don't lie to yourself you are judging because they are poor.

If Susan lived in a remote McMansion you wouldn't care if dad came out to say hello or if you she had an older brother.

+1

They live in a poor area and their yard is full of "junk." (In quotes because I don't know exactly what that term means to OP.) Look, if your spidey-sense is tingling, then you do what you have to do, but just be sure it's really your danger antenna and not just your discomfort with poverty. After all, you could try get to know these people if you wanted. Invite Susan over, have her join you on outings, and maybe see how it goes.

If I were you, I don't know what I would do, because I don't know whether there was something real that set you off or just prejudice and fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is OP? I smell a troll.

OP here. No troll; I'm just reading and processing.

[Anonymous]

What did your daughter say about it? How was she? Maybe give her a flip phone to call or text when she wants to come home?

[Anonymous]

I am from southside VA. It could be they are just poor and disorganized, but I would be worried about the high school age brother (and this would be in any situation, not just this one.) The brother could be a really nice guy, you just don't know. Have her get to know her new friend at a neutral location or at your house for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like that it is remote, unfamiliar with the parents, and the general level of chaos inside and outside the house. The high school aged brother, from parents who you don't know, do not help at all. The poverty is irrelevant. Even if one is poor, one can still be tidy.

I'd go with my gut.

This. Poor does not mean dirty or messy (conversely rich does not mean clean or safe). I would go with your gut. I would not feel comfortable allowing my kid in a house like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, I wouldn't let her go back. Not at that age. It's prime molestation age.

Wow! I can't believe all these molestation comments....it seems that it's fairly common? I always thought it was rare. Now I am rethinking...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

do you have a son? are you OK with families forbidding their daughters from coming to your house because he exists? If not, would you be OK with it? Just trying to understand the logic. Millions of girls have older brothers, it just seems ...so paranoid to never allow your daughter in a home where there is an older brother.

FYI I was molested by a friend's dad. But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to forbid my daughter to go to homes where there is a Dad! WTF?!

+1000

I'm wondering about this too. I mean, do what you want, but it never even occurred to me that parents of my daughter's friends might reject a playdate simply because my son exists! How degrading.

This. My 12 year old DD has a 14 year old brother (and a father). I would be so humiliated if one of DD's friends was not allowed to come to our house because of her brother and father (especially since her brother goes out of his way to avoid giggling girls). Even worse, DD would be devastated and would not understand. It has never occurred to me to tell DD that she cannot be friends with someone or to interfere with one of her friendships. But this parent would do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like that it is remote, unfamiliar with the parents, and the general level of chaos inside and outside the house. The high school aged brother, from parents who you don't know, do not help at all. The poverty is irrelevant. Even if one is poor, one can still be tidy.

I'd go with my gut.

+1. Poor and chaotic/dirty are two different things. I have family members that were poor, but they were always very clean. Don't let your guilt about their poverty make you disregard your instincts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am just trying to understand this older brother thing. Is your daughter not allowed to go to someone's house because they have an older brother? It isnt like it matters if you know the family or not when it comes to a pedophile

I think it does matter. If you know the family well and know the values and manners that they teach their kids, I would feel more comfortable to let my daughter playing in the house with a high school boy. Of course, anything can happen. But the chances are much smaller than in the house where you don't know neither the boy, nor his parents.