Afraid to allow 11 DD back to new friend's house - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

My 11 DD has become friends with a girl in her class, "Susan", that is not in my DD's usual circle of friends. This week Susan asked my DD to come over after school to play. Before I said yes I emailed the parents to make sure it was okay and the response back was factual but not friendly. I don't know the girl or her parents.

I figured it would be okay for 2 hours and then I'd pick up my DD so I could meet the family. The mom came out to greet me when I arrived and was very nice.

This is what I am struggling with - they live in a very impoverished area of the county (we no longer live in the DC area but rural southside Virginia) and their yard/house was a *mess*. Not like a regular busy family mess, but torn sheets for curtains, trash strewn all over yard, dirty. Also Susan has an older brother in high school and the dad didn't come outside to say hello.

I don't want to discourage this friendship with Susan because they seem to like each other but I don't think I would ever feel comfortable allowing my DD to go back there. And it's not just because they are poor - it's that they are in a remote area, with people I don't know and the chaos of the home was giving me a bad vibe.

Was going to invite Susan to come to our house next and take it from there.

If you were me, and Susan invited your child over to play again, would you let her go? I feel like I'm judging them because they are poor as well as teaching my DD a bad life lesson.

[Anonymous]

I'll bite. The facts don't matter -- you and i are different people. But if i felt strongly about it, I would trust my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Do you let her go over to houses where you don't know the parents? Or who have older sons? Or a dad that doesn't introduce himself? Look, I'm all for doing what we have to to protect our kids but I think you are unnecessarily assuming the worst because they are poor. You probably wouldn't think twice if a dad didn't say hi or there was an older brother and they lived in a multi million dollar home.

Honestly I think you are jumping the gun a little. Invite Susan over. When the weather is nice arrange an outdoor get together. Get to know them before deciding they are unsafe people just because of how they live.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn't. Trust your gut. Invite Susan to your house instead.

[Anonymous]

Do you know that the dad was home and wasn't working from home?

What did you DD say about the playdate?

[Anonymous]

I work with a lawyer who lives like this. She grew up poor, and a lot of her habits have not changed. But I don't see any reason not to let my kids go over her house (they have).

If Susan seems nice, and her mom seems nice, I think that says a lot that should not be so easily dismissed.

And FWIW, I grew up poor, too, although my mother was raised middle class. She just didn't marry very well. But now I do wonder if some parents looked at us the way you are looking at this family. We never had trash laying around, but torn curtains would not have been unusual.

[Anonymous]

Have Susan over. Get to know the family.

We probably seem poor to our neighbors. My introverted husband doesn't usually come out and make small talk. My daughter has an elder brother. OK, our yard isn't full of junk, but... stop judging them by exterior signs which have nothing to do with your daughter's safety!

[Anonymous]

Agree. Trust your gut. DD has some friends with sketchy families and we have them meet up at school or community events, or occasionally they will do something in a public place like shopping or ice skating. It is hard if you invite the girl over because the parents usually want to reciprocate the play date.

[Anonymous]

Well yeah it does have to do with them being poor and honestly it's ok to admit that. They live in an area you aren't comfortable with their home is in a condition you are not comfortable with because they can not afford to updates and upgrades.

In the future, just tell your DD she can hang out with her friend all she wants at school and she is welcome to invite friend over to your house once in a while.

[Anonymous]

I am just trying to understand this older brother thing. Is your daughter not allowed to go to someone's house because they have an older brother? It isnt like it matters if you know the family or not when it comes to a pedophile

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut. I grew up in a rural, working-class part of the NE. People like you describe -- while they can be nice and friendly -- are disorganized and have trash everywhere for a reason. Usually drug abuse. With the current opiate crisis in the U.S., I would NOT allow my kid to stay at someone's house if it was as you describe.

Invite Susan over to your place, instead.

[Anonymous]

I'm poor. I didn't have a couch for five years. I live in a tiny one bedroom and slept on the floor while my DD has the bedroom. We're on food stamps. I never let her have anyone over the last week of the month or the first week of the month.

My husband wouldn't come to meet you either. Because I don't have one.

I grew up with an older brother. He'd no sooner molest anyone than turn into a unicorn. Your post is both ignorant and offensive.

Teach your daughter to listen to HER gut. Was SHE comfortable there? Did SHE feel okay being among her new friend and their family?

[Anonymous]

I don't like that it is remote, unfamiliar with the parents, and the general level of chaos inside and outside the house. The high school aged brother, from parents who you don't know, do not help at all. The poverty is irrelevant. Even if one is poor, one can still be tidy.

I'd go with my gut.

[Anonymous]

For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

[Anonymous]

Nothing that you mentioned would cause me much concern (dad not saying hi, messy house, older brother). But invite Susan to your place next time and see where it goes from there.