Afraid to allow 11 DD back to new friend's house - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

Yup.

A girl in my sixth grade class was molested while sleeping over with a friend. Brother was fourteen.

But this was in a fancy house in woodley park. The older brother is now a dad living in a nice house in NW....

[Anonymous]

Come on people. Just because a family is poor doesn't mean they need to have trash strewn all over the yard. And poor does not equal dirty. This is neglect. I would not let my daughter over there. Invite Susan to your house.

[Anonymous]

I would not let her go over there. Trash strewn all over is weird, no matter how poor you are, you can pick up your trash! Torn sheets seem a little strange. You can have enough self-respect to go to Goodwill and get some intact sheets to use for curtains!

Invite "Susan" to your house and see how things go.

FWIW, DD had a friend who lived in a poor neighborhood, and I wouldn't let her go over to this girl's house to play. I didn't think it was safe. We asked the girl to our house, but always made excuses why DD couldn't play at the girl's house. The mom probably knew what was going on, but I didn't feel it was safe for DD.

[Anonymous]

Are they black?

[Anonymous]

I would trust my gut. However, is it really a red flag that the husband didn't come out to meet you? I'm just thinking that this is not something my husband would think to do. He is usually doing other stuff or on work calls. I would not think to have him come to the door when a friend was picked up. I also don't have trash outside- but def too many weeds.

[Anonymous]

Yes have Susan over to your place. No reason the girls should suffer for things not their fault.

But don't lie to yourself you are judging because they are poor.

If Susan lived in a remote McMansion you wouldn't care if dad came out to say hello or if you she had an older brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

How about an older sister? Some girls are molesters too.

Or they might have older sisters who have boyfriends.

Not being flippant, but if you haven't you need to seek therapy before your scars become your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

do you have a son? are you OK with families forbidding their daughters from coming to your house because he exists? If not, would you be OK with it? Just trying to understand the logic. Millions of girls have older brothers, it just seems ...so paranoid to never allow your daughter in a home where there is an older brother.

FYI I was molested by a friend's dad. But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to forbid my daughter to go to homes where there is a Dad! WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust your gut. I grew up in a rural, working-class part of the NE. People like you describe -- while they can be nice and friendly -- are disorganized and have trash everywhere for a reason. Usually drug abuse. With the current opiate crisis in the U.S., I would NOT allow my kid to stay at someone's house if it was as you describe.

Invite Susan over to your place, instead.

The opiate abuse crisis is in no way limited to lower income families. In fact, it has become quite an epidemic among the middle (& upper middle) class.

There are plenty of well dressed, seemingly put together mothers, fathers & teenage siblings getting high (or drunk) behind clsed doors in their well maintained, expensive homes on the "right side" of the tracks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on people. Just because a family is poor doesn't mean they need to have trash strewn all over the yard. And poor does not equal dirty. This is neglect. I would not let my daughter over there. Invite Susan to your house.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on people. Just because a family is poor doesn't mean they need to have trash strewn all over the yard. And poor does not equal dirty. This is neglect. I would not let my daughter over there. Invite Susan to your house.

This.

+1

[Anonymous]

I grew up poor, but my home was always well maintained, bed made everyday, bathroom cleaned once a week, dishes doesn't sit in the sink for a week, laundry is done at least once a week. We had sheets for window treatment but no holes in them.

So no. I would not let my kid hang out at unkept and dirty place. This type of disorganization shows they're not taking in their environment and not the type of value that's alined with ours. I would be concerned about how my DD would be influenced in a place like this. If my DD's friend is someone of good character then they would be invited to my house but not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 DD has become friends with a girl in her class, "Susan", that is not in my DD's usual circle of friends. This week Susan asked my DD to come over after school to play. Before I said yes I emailed the parents to make sure it was okay and the response back was factual but not friendly. I don't know the girl or her parents.

I figured it would be okay for 2 hours and then I'd pick up my DD so I could meet the family. The mom came out to greet me when I arrived and was very nice.

This is what I am struggling with - they live in a very impoverished area of the county (we no longer live in the DC area but rural southside Virginia) and their yard/house was a *mess*. Not like a regular busy family mess, but torn sheets for curtains, trash strewn all over yard, dirty. Also Susan has an older brother in high school and the dad didn't come outside to say hello.

I don't want to discourage this friendship with Susan because they seem to like each other but I don't think I would ever feel comfortable allowing my DD to go back there. And it's not just because they are poor - it's that they are in a remote area, with people I don't know and the chaos of the home was giving me a bad vibe.

Was going to invite Susan to come to our house next and take it from there.

If you were me, and Susan invited your child over to play again, would you let her go? I feel like I'm judging them because they are poor as well as teaching my DD a bad life lesson.

Stated reasons for your objections:

-the response e-mail was "factual but not friendly" (I'm not sure what that means)
-they live in a very poor part of the county
-the yard and house were a mess (did you go in the house?)
-there is an older brother who is in high school
-the father didn't come out to greet you

I don't think that this adds up to much. So there must be some other reason why you are getting a bad feeling about this. Can you articulate this reason?

Also, ask your daughter how she felt about it. She spent 2 hours there, after all.

My daughter has a friend whose house I don't let my daughter go to by herself. My reason is that the friend's parents give me the creeps. I can't quite say why, but usually people don't give me the creeps, so when they do, I pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Come on people. Just because a family is poor doesn't mean they need to have trash strewn all over the yard. And poor does not equal dirty. This is neglect. I would not let my daughter over there. Invite Susan to your house.

This.

+1

Generally agree, but it also depends on OP's definition of trash/ Is it actual trash or is it more yard clutter like lots of toys, A grill etc.

Also these are 11 year old girls, I'm sure OP's daughter knows not to pick up trash of the ground and put it in her mouth. But yard trash does not = child molesters.

Yes, OP can have Susan come over her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

do you have a son? are you OK with families forbidding their daughters from coming to your house because he exists? If not, would you be OK with it? Just trying to understand the logic. Millions of girls have older brothers, it just seems ...so paranoid to never allow your daughter in a home where there is an older brother.

FYI I was molested by a friend's dad. But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to forbid my daughter to go to homes where there is a Dad! WTF?!

+1000