Afraid to allow 11 DD back to new friend's house - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

do you have a son? are you OK with families forbidding their daughters from coming to your house because he exists? If not, would you be OK with it? Just trying to understand the logic. Millions of girls have older brothers, it just seems ...so paranoid to never allow your daughter in a home where there is an older brother.

FYI I was molested by a friend's dad. But it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to forbid my daughter to go to homes where there is a Dad! WTF?!

+1000

I'm wondering about this too. I mean, do what you want, but it never even occurred to me that parents of my daughter's friends might reject a playdate simply because my son exists! How degrading.

This. My 12 year old DD has a 14 year old brother (and a father). I would be so humiliated if one of DD's friends was not allowed to come to our house because of her brother and father (especially since her brother goes out of his way to avoid giggling girls). Even worse, DD would be devastated and would not understand. It has never occurred to me to tell DD that she cannot be friends with someone or to interfere with one of her friendships. But this parent would do it.

You don't tell the DD this why you don't want her to stay over yet, you just say...let's invite the friend to our house for a while. And, wait until you get to know them. You don't "tell DD." Wish my Mom HAD interfered in my friendships and protected me from being molested by a neighborhood friend's brother, but I guess this PP would find that "degrading." You have to get to know people before throwing your kids in with them.

[Anonymous]

For everyone who is saying -- don't send your DD to her house but if they want to get together, invite her over. I get what you're saying -- that's works 1-2 times bc if she invites your DD over, your DD can say -- how about my house this time; or I don't have a ride that day - do you want to come over instead?

But if they do hit it off and become friends and the girl issues invites, how exactly is your DD supposed to ALWAYS get out of it? The other girl likely isn't stupid so if your DD never wants to go over again or if she comes out and says -- my mom says I can't come over to your house but you are always welcome to come here -- the other girl will know you/your DD have some impressions re her home, family etc.

I realize your only job is to protect your DD but how do you do this w/o hurting a friendship/hurting the other kid/teaching your own DD that we don't hang out at poor peoples' homes bc it makes us "uncomfortable"?

Best for all involved would be if this doesn't become a big friendship and your kid and this kid just see each other at school -- but you never know, what if they are on the road to being BFFs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, I wouldn't let her go back. Not at that age. It's prime molestation age.

Wow! I can't believe all these molestation comments....it seems that it's fairly common? I always thought it was rare. Now I am rethinking...?

Yes, it's very common. I actually wrote the original comment. I was molested as a child by a man at my babysitter's house. Being poor or rich or clean or dirty has nothing to do with it. Access does. I would not let me 11 year old daughter hang out unsupervised at a house with an older teenage brother.
There were 5 kids around and the babysitter. It still happened to me. Multiple times. I'm 40, and I've never even told my parents.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a very rural part of the US (not on the East Coast) and the norm in my elementary school was kids living in trailer parks, or in trailers that had been added onto.

In general, I'd say to go with your gut but I agree with a PP that you might be having a hard time distinguishing between your gut and your discomfort with poverty.

I'd also add that there are realities of poverty that you might not understand. The dirty yard? Most rural areas don't have municipal trash pickup, so you have to drive your trash to a dump and you pay by the pound. Growing up (and we were not super poor), we took all of our trash to a trailer (open) that we would then hook up to the truck and pull to the dump once a month.

I'm not saying there's definitely nothing wrong, but I think the actual logistics of rural poverty might be unknowable unless you've lived it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me the biggest issue is the high school brother. I was molested by my best friend's older brother in early elementary school and I will never let my DD or DS in a home with an older brother. You would be amazed how common my story is.

same thing happened to me as well.