Another holiday with Step-families and it's just the worst... either stay married or don't remarry!

[Anonymous]

My parents are divorced and remarried to other people. We were all in college or older when the remarriages happened, so perhaps that's what makes it different. While I don't have a sibling relationship with my step-siblings, I do feel a familial bond to them. Maybe like a cousin or something. Maybe I lucked out on the step-sibling circus though. My Dad's wife's kids are awesome. They fit right in. So do their spouses and children. I really like spending time with them. My Mom's Husband's kids are a little weirder. The local ones are fine, but a little off beat. They aren't toxic or mean or anything though, so I appreciate having them around, even if I wouldn't choose them.

It's taken years, and a lot of adjusting here and there, but I actually really enjoy the extra family. We have low expectations of each other, so I think that helps.

I'm glad my parents divorced and found happiness with other people.

OP, I'm sorry it's hard for you. But I think no one ever looks back and wishes they were more exclusive with family. If you step-siblings aren't drama or toxic, I don't see the problem with having big family gatherings. Spend time with your brother outside of these events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step siblings are a weird situation. Uncomfortable holidays suck. Parents who demand everybody be together in the uncomfortable environment they chose are selfish. Seems to me you could have one group of kids for thanksgiving and the other for Christmas and rotate every year.

Yes. The tone deaf parents who think everyone wants to be the Brady Bunch are awful. And they are usually very self centered. There are ways to blend a family successfully. This is almost never one of them.

I think the OP is pretty selfish too. Holidays are "ruined" because her dad wants to spend time with all his children? I get not wanting to spend time with people you don't like, but the OP doesn't seem willing to accept that her step-siblings are her dad's family as well. Unless the OP actually believes some children are more "real" than others. I have similar feelings about my aunt, uncle, and cousins - don't have strong bonds with them, don't choose to see them on the reg, wish that we could occasionally have Thanksgiving with just my dad - so I think this isn't an issue of "step-families" so much as families, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It can happen even if there was no divorce. I would never talk to my parents if they weren't my parents, for example.
They don't treat me in any way wrong, I just don't feel anything g towards them anymore, unfortunately.
I talk to them because of guilt and obligation, and send them money.

You don't care that they raised you?

See "guilt & obligation."

[Anonymous]

Oh please. We all have family we aren't crazy about that we have to deal with for the sake of family. I think you are idealizing families without steps.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally feel it. My mom tries to pretend we're all a big happy family, but I loathe her fucked-up loser boyfriend and his fuckup kids. My dad just canceled a trip to see me and my two daughters because of my failure-to-launch stepbrother's drinking problem. It sucks to drag my kids from house to house during the holidays. All the extra time. All the extra money I spend on plane tickets. All the extra people and their schedules and their feeeeelings demanding to be accommodated. I would trade them all for a happy nuclear family in an instant.

However, OP, I will say this to you: you need these people. When your parents age and have health problems, you might really need your stepparents and stepsiblings. You are probably going to have to deal with a lot of difficult stuff together. So try, really try, to not completely alienate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Or maybe they're pretending, to keep you happy. That's what I do.

Also, whoop de do, 30 whole minutes of getting along! Ask them when they're older and sick of dragging their own kids around for years and years to accommodate your divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Wait till they get older.

How much older? What's the magic age you're thinking of?

When they have their own young children and in-laws to deal with, and they're very short of time, money, and emotional energy. When they're burned out from several decades of accommodating your divorce, and starting to catch on that being the adult child of elderly divorced parents is going to be really, really difficult. That's when things get tougher.

[Anonymous]

OP here, What you are saying is exactly what my post is about, these "relationships" do not always or even usually form in these scenarios. I have very strong relationships with my brother, my father, my mother, my half sister, even cousins but that just simply never clicked with my steps. It's very difficult and has been for a very very long time. If you are divorced and also remarried be warned, your kids likely don't feel legitimately bonded to your wife/husband and thier kids. I really have tried but it's just not there and now I am forced to spend holidays with people that if my parent was no longer involved with (either from death or a split) I would never talk to again. And please understand, I'm not in a fight with any of these people I just don't particularly want to spend all my holidays together.

IDK, Op, you are not guaranteed to really want to spend time with any of your relatives, regardless of divorce/remarriage issues. Personally, I actually enjoy spending time with my stepbrother and his family, not so much with my biological sister and her family. I honestly feel somewhat indifferent to my stepfather, but he's nice enough and I don't have any issue seeing him on the holidays, just not much in common, but no problem with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Wait till they get older.

How much older? What's the magic age you're thinking of?

When they have their own young children and in-laws to deal with, and they're very short of time, money, and emotional energy. When they're burned out from several decades of accommodating your divorce, and starting to catch on that being the adult child of elderly divorced parents is going to be really, really difficult. That's when things get tougher.

+1. When I was your kids' age, PP, I didn't understand how the divorce would play out over the rest of my life. Now I do.

You will probably start experiencing blowback whenever they catch on, or when the "blended" nature of your family requires them to make significant sacrifices (beyond what they've already made, of course). Or when there's a crisis involving a stepsibling and turns out, they don't really care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I hear what you are saying but I want to see my parents and my actual siblings and this is not possible due to the decisions my parents have made. If I plan a holiday gathering and only include my brother and not my hordes of stepsiblings I will offend my dad. I don't want to do that so I suck it up and include everyone and I just feel like it's annoying that I am forced to do this and end up spending all of my holidays with people I don't really want to. It's crappy that my only option is for my kids to have to forego their grandparents and actual uncle for a holiday if I go this route.

For me, I am hyper focused on not getting divorced in I think perhaps a different way that someone with an intact set of grandparents.

Child of divorce here -- and I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you need to concentrate less on the divorce. The divorce and re-marriages were a long time ago, you cannot change that. You need to put your focus on building relationships. Seriously, you will end up burning all your bridges and have no familial relationships because you want to be able to just have relationships with and have your kids have relationships with your 'blood' relatives. It does not sound like you gave any of your step family a fighting chance to have a decent relationship with you and your family.You have not mentioned anything they have done, other than exist, to explain why you do not want to be bothered with them. Have they in any way been mean, disrespectful, distasteful and inappropriate? Concentrate and how you can make this work and not how you can just avoid the whole lot of them. It will save you a lot of stress in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've had 25 years to establish bonds with your family. Why have you not done that? If you are truly not interested in having relationships with your family, then why do you bother to go to family holidays? You are an adult. Make your own choices.

OP here, What you are saying is exactly what my post is about, these "relationships" do not always or even usually form in these scenarios. I have very strong relationships with my brother, my father, my mother, my half sister, even cousins but that just simply never clicked with my steps. It's very difficult and has been for a very very long time. If you are divorced and also remarried be warned, your kids likely don't feel legitimately bonded to your wife/husband and thier kids. I really have tried but it's just not there and now I am forced to spend holidays with people that if my parent was no longer involved with (either from death or a split) I would never talk to again. And please understand, I'm not in a fight with any of these people I just don't particularly want to spend all my holidays together.

As for the PP who are now very close to their steps, that's great but I honestly feel that is unusual. Most of us make it look like we are close but in reality it's just not the same as actual real family.

Girl, please, you cannot speak for anyone but yourself. Some step relationships works and some don't for a lots of complicated and various reasons.

[Anonymous]

every freaking holiday

Op, enjoy the family YOU have created. You do your kids no favors by putting them in a situation which could be easily avoided. EVERY HOLIDAY? Why? That's on you - your fault if you are not spending the holidays as you wish. Establish a different routine. Maybe only 1 holiday a year with all the step family

[Anonymous]

Oh please. We all have family we aren't crazy about that we have to deal with for the sake of family. I think you are idealizing families without steps

Exactly. I would LOVE not to have contact with many of my blood-relatives. Can't stand them. But, I stomach it because there are a few I want to see.

[Anonymous]

Op, I wouldn't do holidays with steps etc. I didn't like. Spend holidays with your spouse if married and do your own thing. Maybe spend another alone with your parent, and visit your bio siblings on other days separately. Lot's of ways to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sooooo stay home and do your own thing with your nuclear family? it's not rocket science.

We solved those problems by going on vacation, especially at Xmas with all the drama. It was great. We also moved over 2 hours away.

OP move to a sun state!