Another holiday with Step-families and it's just the worst... either stay married or don't remarry!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this is mostly a vent. I'm 35 and my parents divorced at age two and both remarried other divorcees with kids by the time I was 10 so I've been doing the step family dance literally my entire life and even now with a family of my own it just sucks. No one ever really truly gets along sincerely. We don't really all want to be together and don't have natural bonds. I realize that if you've never experienced this you might not believe it but it's true and I've had lots of other adult kids of divorce agree. If there is any way possible to not get divorced or at least not remarried for your kids sake. Please try. And if you absolutely must do not assume you are the Brady Bunch and your kids want to have relationships with each other or your new spouse. No matter how much time passes. I'm so tired of this defining my family and every freaking holiday.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I get it. At some point, you just have to drop the rope and do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

sooooo stay home and do your own thing with your nuclear family? it's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I guess I feel that at some point it's your own responsibility to structure your holidays for your own nuclear family yourself and if you are dissatisfied with how you manage that you need to own that yourself. You can't blame your parents choices for your happiness level forever. Be your own family. BTW I am also a product of this sort of familial structure.

[Anonymous]

I'm sory, OP. Sounds difficult.

Just want to point out, however, that your experience isn't universal. My dad remarried when I was young. I love my stepmother & my step brothers & I are very close. I know other people who are close to their stepparents/siblings, as well ( & some who are not). So it could go either way.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I hear what you are saying but I want to see my parents and my actual siblings and this is not possible due to the decisions my parents have made. If I plan a holiday gathering and only include my brother and not my hordes of stepsiblings I will offend my dad. I don't want to do that so I suck it up and include everyone and I just feel like it's annoying that I am forced to do this and end up spending all of my holidays with people I don't really want to. It's crappy that my only option is for my kids to have to forego their grandparents and actual uncle for a holiday if I go this route.

For me, I am hyper focused on not getting divorced in I think perhaps a different way that someone with an intact set of grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know, I guess I feel that at some point it's your own responsibility to structure your holidays for your own nuclear family yourself and if you are dissatisfied with how you manage that you need to own that yourself. You can't blame your parents choices for your happiness level forever. Be your own family. BTW I am also a product of this sort of familial structure.

If you read OP's subsequent explanation, you can see that it is not that simple.

You have been to too many seminars..."own that". Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sooooo stay home and do your own thing with your nuclear family? it's not rocket science.

So your answer is to ignore the part of the family OP does want to see. And you said it like a snooty asshole. Gee, thanks, PP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've had 25 years to establish bonds with your family. Why have you not done that? If you are truly not interested in having relationships with your family, then why do you bother to go to family holidays? You are an adult. Make your own choices.

[Anonymous]

Ha, my dad got remarried when all of us kids were in our 40s. His wife (also in her late 60s, so not naive in any way) was constantly shocked/dismayed/pissed off that "the kids"--meaning his and hers weren't dying to be best buddies and rearrange longstanding holiday traditions to accommodate each other.

[Anonymous]

I feel ya, OP. So sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've had 25 years to establish bonds with your family. Why have you not done that? If you are truly not interested in having relationships with your family, then why do you bother to go to family holidays? You are an adult. Make your own choices.

OP here, What you are saying is exactly what my post is about, these "relationships" do not always or even usually form in these scenarios. I have very strong relationships with my brother, my father, my mother, my half sister, even cousins but that just simply never clicked with my steps. It's very difficult and has been for a very very long time. If you are divorced and also remarried be warned, your kids likely don't feel legitimately bonded to your wife/husband and thier kids. I really have tried but it's just not there and now I am forced to spend holidays with people that if my parent was no longer involved with (either from death or a split) I would never talk to again. And please understand, I'm not in a fight with any of these people I just don't particularly want to spend all my holidays together.

As for the PP who are now very close to their steps, that's great but I honestly feel that is unusual. Most of us make it look like we are close but in reality it's just not the same as actual real family.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sory, OP. Sounds difficult.

Just want to point out, however, that your experience isn't universal. My dad remarried when I was young. I love my stepmother & my step brothers & I are very close. I know other people who are close to their stepparents/siblings, as well ( & some who are not). So it could go either way.

This is my experience too. Love my stepsibs, their wives and all my nieces and nephews.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've had 25 years to establish bonds with your family. Why have you not done that? If you are truly not interested in having relationships with your family, then why do you bother to go to family holidays? You are an adult. Make your own choices.

OP here, What you are saying is exactly what my post is about, these "relationships" do not always or even usually form in these scenarios. I have very strong relationships with my brother, my father, my mother, my half sister, even cousins but that just simply never clicked with my steps. It's very difficult and has been for a very very long time. If you are divorced and also remarried be warned, your kids likely don't feel legitimately bonded to your wife/husband and thier kids. I really have tried but it's just not there and now I am forced to spend holidays with people that if my parent was no longer involved with (either from death or a split) I would never talk to again. And please understand, I'm not in a fight with any of these people I just don't particularly want to spend all my holidays together.

As for the PP who are now very close to their steps, that's great but I honestly feel that is unusual. Most of us make it look like we are close but in reality it's just not the same as actual real family.

You're not forced to spend holidays with anyone. If you choose to spend time with family that you don't like because you want to see family you do like, that is your choice. You could make a different choice, and honestly, it sounds like you should. You are a grown up with a family of your own. Create new family traditions for holidays and visit with your dad at a time when it's not a massive family gathering for his entire family. Keep in mind that just because you don't consider those people family does not mean that your dad doesn't.

As for the rest of your post, it doesn't sound like you know what "actual real family" feels like anyway, since you never got to experience that as a child. I'm sorry that you are so unhappy, but it sounds like there is more going on than your parents remarrying 25 years ago.