Another holiday with Step-families and it's just the worst... either stay married or don't remarry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Wait till they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Wait till they get older.

How much older? What's the magic age you're thinking of?

[Anonymous]

Op, here's the thing. There are these things called in laws. Have your siblings married yet? That brings strangers into the family that can create bad dynamics. No one gets to keep their nuclear family forever unless no one gets married.

[Anonymous]

Step siblings are a weird situation. Uncomfortable holidays suck. Parents who demand everybody be together in the uncomfortable environment they chose are selfish. Seems to me you could have one group of kids for thanksgiving and the other for Christmas and rotate every year.

[Anonymous]

You have two choices. Suck it up and include everyone to please your dad and be miserable.

Or you can foster a closer relationship with your brother and not your hordes of stepsiblings and give your kids a sense of a genuine relationship with at least one family member.

Your parents chose to have stepchildren. You did not choose stepsiblings. And you are right that some stepsiblings fake good relationships with each other. However, once a parent starts aging or dies, the fangs come out.

[Anonymous]

It can happen even if there was no divorce. I would never talk to my parents if they weren't my parents, for example.
They don't treat me in any way wrong, I just don't feel anything g towards them anymore, unfortunately.
I talk to them because of guilt and obligation, and send them money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can happen even if there was no divorce. I would never talk to my parents if they weren't my parents, for example.
They don't treat me in any way wrong, I just don't feel anything g towards them anymore, unfortunately.
I talk to them because of guilt and obligation, and send them money.

You don't care that they raised you?

[Anonymous]

I'm 32 and wish that my parents had remarried other people. Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step siblings are a weird situation. Uncomfortable holidays suck. Parents who demand everybody be together in the uncomfortable environment they chose are selfish. Seems to me you could have one group of kids for thanksgiving and the other for Christmas and rotate every year.

Yes. The tone deaf parents who think everyone wants to be the Brady Bunch are awful. And they are usually very self centered. There are ways to blend a family successfully. This is almost never one of them.

[Anonymous]

Op, I feel you and live this, too. I go through it every single holiday. Guilt, anger, sadness. Youre not alone.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Just start spending holidays somewhere else with other people.
Your spouse's family, or find some local friends that don't have extended family they spend it with, or even just your own nuclear family.

Then, cherry pick the people you DO want relationships (your Dad,your brother, your half sister, etc.) and INDIVIDUALLY do things with them. Go out to lunch with just your brother. Go for a hike with just your Dad, etc.

FWIW, what would happen if your step-mom died? Over the course of 25 years, your Dad has likely grown close to his step children--and may still spend holidays with them, even if their mother is no longer around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step siblings are a weird situation. Uncomfortable holidays suck. Parents who demand everybody be together in the uncomfortable environment they chose are selfish. Seems to me you could have one group of kids for thanksgiving and the other for Christmas and rotate every year.

Yes. The tone deaf parents who think everyone wants to be the Brady Bunch are awful. And they are usually very self centered. There are ways to blend a family successfully. This is almost never one of them.

Yes. I do actually like my step siblings but not because of anything my dad and stepmother did. Ironically it was there defensiveness about how "we are the brady bunch!!" that threatened to cause tension. In the end my dad and stepmother are both so awful in their own ways that the step sibs bonded over it!

[Anonymous]

You need therapy for that giant chip on your shoulder op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've had 25 years to establish bonds with your family. Why have you not done that? If you are truly not interested in having relationships with your family, then why do you bother to go to family holidays? You are an adult. Make your own choices.

I get it. I have a family like this. I truly didn't want to cut off relations with my dad, and I'm glad I didnt. She favors her kids so all holidays turned into their holidays. We were second rate guests. My dad did not behave like a mensch, but I didnt and don't want to cut him off. Holidays sucked for years and years, but not enough to make me choose to end contact, and that was the only way out.

It got easier and harder when I had my own kid. It helped that I went far away for grad school and made a life too far away to come home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Just start spending holidays somewhere else with other people.
Your spouse's family, or find some local friends that don't have extended family they spend it with, or even just your own nuclear family.

Then, cherry pick the people you DO want relationships (your Dad,your brother, your half sister, etc.) and INDIVIDUALLY do things with them. Go out to lunch with just your brother. Go for a hike with just your Dad, etc.

FWIW, what would happen if your step-mom died? Over the course of 25 years, your Dad has likely grown close to his step children--and may still spend holidays with them, even if their mother is no longer around.

This is good advice. Even for normal (not step) families, which I have. Somewhat.