Another holiday with Step-families and it's just the worst... either stay married or don't remarry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Please recognize it's not like that for everyone.

Tonight my ex brought my two youngest home, and stayed for a half hour between talking to my step-kids and then talking to DH about basketball or something.

Or maybe they're pretending, to keep you happy. That's what I do.

Also, whoop de do, 30 whole minutes of getting along! Ask them when they're older and sick of dragging their own kids around for years and years to accommodate your divorce.

I'm in my 30s. Love my stepsiblings . Their kids are just as much my nieces & nephews ( & my kids' cousins) as my boo sibking's kids.My stepparebtvis,another grandparent to my kids.

I get that my experience isn't universal but not everybody has negative feelings about their parents' remarriage as adults.

Gah, so many typos! Dang phone!

[Anonymous]

Yup, my mom and dad divorced with 4 kids. They both remarried. They never resolved the issues they just passed them on. Fucked us all up. Cheaper to stay married and work it out. They thought they grass was always greener

[Anonymous]

I'm from a big family and I feel that way about many of my biological sibs (and their spouses). Just because you're related by blood doesn't mean you will "click" either.

[Anonymous]

OP, my parents divorced when I was a teenager. No remarriages. I have the same issue but with "natural" siblings. I get along better with some than others. Years ago I gave up trying to please everyone and I just invite the ones I like. Everyone is happier.

[Anonymous]

I do not go to my mom and stepdad's when my step siblings will be there. Period. They're strange, their kids are strange and I don't like being around them. I've made this clear to my mom that if steps are there for the holidays- we won't be. I'm sure it has created awkward conversations for her and stepdad, but that's not my problem. It's incredibly uncomfortable spending the holidays around people you feel awkward around.

DH's stepfamily is somewhat different. His mom and stepdad really tried to force the Brady Bunch and have a blended family. We have no problem spending time around them (they're perfectly nice) but DH feels no familial bond with any of them. Once his mom is no longer living, he'll probably never see any of them again.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read beyond the first page, but here's my 2 cents:

What if you visit the family you want to see during the summer? If during the rest of the year, not during an important holiday, but the week after or before, as school vacations allow?
Then if you don't "have time" to drop in with the rest of them, well, it's not going to be so much of a snub, because it's not a holiday gathering.

And I agree that at some point in your life, OP, you HAVE to assume responsibility for your own happiness. Otherwise you'll never be happy and you only have one life to live. I came to that realization in my late 20s - my parents gave me a very isolating and socially stunting upbringing, and there's always drama and conflict whenever we visit them. I have learned to be happy for myself, regardless of what they do.

[Anonymous]

I think it's sort of petulant to say "don't remarry!". I get it, it's annoying that one or both of your parents remarried and expects it to be normal for you. I'd be annoyed by that too. But you approach it the same way you would if a sibling or a cousin married someone you didn't really like. You'd decided what events were worth putting up with that person and go, and you'd skip some. Yes it would suck, and yes it's not ideal, but it's life. Managing these relationships is what we all do.

Be a grown up about it, even if your parents aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

I'm incredibly grateful that my parents divorced. We are all much better off for it. Is having happily married parents the ideal situation? If course. But the ideal situation isn't always possible & my siblings & I were ( & still are) much better off with divorced parents who are happily remarried to other people than with miserable parents stuck in a miserable marriage "for the sake of the kids".

Numerous studies have proven you wrong. Lots and lots of kids of divorce say this, as a matter of appeasement and well, what else can you say? Of course you want to pretend its normal for a nuclear family to blow up, because yours did. It's not, it exacts a toll, and it's high time we all stopped pussyfooting around the flighty divorcees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my mom and dad divorced with 4 kids. They both remarried. They never resolved the issues they just passed them on. Fucked us all up. Cheaper to stay married and work it out. They thought they grass was always greener

+1. Divorce is not a guarantee of happiness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not go to my mom and stepdad's when my step siblings will be there. Period. They're strange, their kids are strange and I don't like being around them. I've made this clear to my mom that if steps are there for the holidays- we won't be. I'm sure it has created awkward conversations for her and stepdad, but that's not my problem. It's incredibly uncomfortable spending the holidays around people you feel awkward around.

DH's stepfamily is somewhat different. His mom and stepdad really tried to force the Brady Bunch and have a blended family. We have no problem spending time around them (they're perfectly nice) but DH feels no familial bond with any of them. Once his mom is no longer living, he'll probably never see any of them again.

This. I do not want to 'play family' with a bunch of strangers just because you decided to remarry (again!). And I'm tired of explaining who these people are to my kids. Both of my parents divorced twice and married thrice. I was already the stepdaughter to a different 'Step-Dad' and their whole extended family - I do not need another round of this. So awkward.

When we had a kid, we declared that we wouldn't be traveling for Christmas. Any parent is welcome in our home, but we wanted all of their Christmas day memories to be in our own house. Oldest is now 13 and we have only traveled twice - once because my Dad was gravely ill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

I'm incredibly grateful that my parents divorced. We are all much better off for it. Is having happily married parents the ideal situation? If course. But the ideal situation isn't always possible & my siblings & I were ( & still are) much better off with divorced parents who are happily remarried to other people than with miserable parents stuck in a miserable marriage "for the sake of the kids".

Numerous studies have proven you wrong. Lots and lots of kids of divorce say this, as a matter of appeasement and well, what else can you say? Of course you want to pretend its normal for a nuclear family to blow up, because yours did. It's not, it exacts a toll, and it's high time we all stopped pussyfooting around the flighty divorcees.

Numerous studies can't negate one's personal experience or feelings. No two situations are identical .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

I'm incredibly grateful that my parents divorced. We are all much better off for it. Is having happily married parents the ideal situation? If course. But the ideal situation isn't always possible & my siblings & I were ( & still are) much better off with divorced parents who are happily remarried to other people than with miserable parents stuck in a miserable marriage "for the sake of the kids".

Numerous studies have proven you wrong. Lots and lots of kids of divorce say this, as a matter of appeasement and well, what else can you say? Of course you want to pretend its normal for a nuclear family to blow up, because yours did. It's not, it exacts a toll, and it's high time we all stopped pussyfooting around the flighty divorcees.

Wait, are you seriously saying that the PP is "wrong" about her own life & her feelings about it?? Wow

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, my mom and dad divorced with 4 kids. They both remarried. They never resolved the issues they just passed them on. Fucked us all up. Cheaper to stay married and work it out. They thought they grass was always greener

+1. Divorce is not a guarantee of happiness!

Neither is staying married a guarantee of happiness. For the parents or the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children always end up paying for their parents' divorce. Always. In terms of time, money, attention, everything. Well, your parents ended up happy at least. But you are paying for it. I guess the "trickle down" theory of happiness is bullshit (my kids want me to be happy! They will be thrilled by the divorce and complete randos I introduce into their lives and force them to deal with!)

I'm incredibly grateful that my parents divorced. We are all much better off for it. Is having happily married parents the ideal situation? If course. But the ideal situation isn't always possible & my siblings & I were ( & still are) much better off with divorced parents who are happily remarried to other people than with miserable parents stuck in a miserable marriage "for the sake of the kids".

Numerous studies have proven you wrong. Lots and lots of kids of divorce say this, as a matter of appeasement and well, what else can you say? Of course you want to pretend its normal for a nuclear family to blow up, because yours did. It's not, it exacts a toll, and it's high time we all stopped pussyfooting around the flighty divorcees.

And more recent studies have proven YOU wrong. Just one of the many readily available links with info about this:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/27/kids-and-divorce-_n_4676361.html

[Anonymous]

OP - just make different plans. Or have a 24-hr rule. It's the same as having to vacay or holiday with your in-laws. Determine how long you can tolerate it, if at all, and suck it up for the people or person you love. Do you work OP? If so, surely you have developed the skills to manage different personalities for limited amounts of time.

Just to share, although I'm not head over heels for my dad's wife, I didn't meet her until my 30s and her kids are odd people, they really like my kids, my dad and don't have the same hangups I do. So we spend a holiday with them, in their crappy and inconvenient town,with their horrible cooking. We all survive, the teenage grandkids watch my kids while I go shopping (happily!) and I even learned about Meghan Trainor last Christmas, so now I'm cool and have a good playlist. Still don't GAF about them, but thankful that such decent folks accept my dad and anything/anyone that comes with that so freely.

It's about perspective, OP. A friend of mine had parents (married 30+ years) who died in a murder-suicide circumstance. Bet she'd take your step parents and sibs any day of the week over that. Please don't shame people who divorce and then pursue healthy and fulfilling relationships.