We're getting used to not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I prayed for this day and my prayers were answered !!

Many women do. My friend was cheated on by her husband, then he ended up getting ED. She thinks it's great (KARMA) plus she knows he's not going to be cheating again. He's not very old so I don't know what causes that in men.

Just saying, but I've heard plenty of times men who had ED with their wives and a raging boner with their AP. SO. That.

Maybe so, not in this case. ED is mostly permanent.

What does mostly permanent mean? Sometimes he can get an erection?? so, it doesn't rule out the possibility. Not saying it is the case, but a possible scenario.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to TALK to your DH. Even if he does not want to talk about it. Say, "I am really longing to be sexual and close with you and lately I feel like you are just not that interested. I don't know if you worry about the ED or what is going on. I miss you. I don't care about the ED or the exactly what kind of lovemaking we end up having, I just want us to be naked together and having fun and feeling close. Can't we go on a date this weekend and come home and make out on the couch?"

If you do, and he has ED, don't get bummed because "it didn't work." Ask him what he would like you to do, and TELL him what you want him to do to you.

If that feels risky to say, then great! You need to take some sincere risks! Nothing is going to change if you don't change yourself. You have to really believe that you deserve a rich sexual life, that you can have this with DH no matter what, and you have to have faith that if you act like an adult, your DH will follow your lead because he probably wants the same thing and feels stuck too.

Talk about something sexual you would like to do with him that makes you a little nervous because it is something you would like to do but you worry about how he will react and it is not part of your usual routine. Feeling a little nervous is good. It means you are going beyond the safe and comfortable.

Look honestly at yourself. How have you been reacting? What have you been saying to him? Does he avoid sex because he worries about how you will react? Does he sense your disappointment? Passivity is not sexy. If you are passively waiting for him to change, that is not being true to yourself. Tell him, "I need to feel like you want me. I want you." Do whatever it takes to get off in his presence--toys, masturbation, whatever. He will not change unless you do.

You can see ED as a problem or you can see it as an opportunity for you both to grow and change. This could lead to positive things in your life.

[Anonymous]

Recently we both had influenza, one after the other, after that we had to take care of my son's two young children, while he and his wife battled the flu. Then my father became very ill and was hospitalized and we spent almost a month by his bed-side 12-20 hours each day and then we took a trip out west in the US and are suffering extreme jetlag and to top it off we again caring for my grandchildren for the past 4 days. I think we have had sex 4 times between Christmas and now. and we ate T gettingn uss toiy

´´´´´´´´

[Anonymous]

I am not sure how Viagra works, but if a man attempts to get hard on his own & fails, can he then pop the pill and it will be efficient right away?

Or must it be taken a certain time frame prior?

I agree your husband is in a huge state of denial about this issue OP.
Men view their ability to "get it up" as an important component of their manliness and if they fail at it, their man parts aren't the only thing that deflates. So does their egos. Big time!!
Some even can view it as a sign of age + take it as a death in a way.

I know it's tough on your part too OP. Please try to practice a bit of patience w/him on this no matter how frustrating and problematic it will be.

Good luck to the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything, leave it up to him to initiate. Otherwise it's only more added pressure he doesn't need. You're too focused on all this imo.

OP here - I hear what you're saying, but the frequency is really dwindling....

I don't want to pressure but I don't want to give up....

We're still affectionate and cuddly, thankfully

Is his testosterone low? blood pressure high? that will do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have to TALK to your DH. Even if he does not want to talk about it. Say, "I am really longing to be sexual and close with you and lately I feel like you are just not that interested. I don't know if you worry about the ED or what is going on. I miss you. I don't care about the ED or the exactly what kind of lovemaking we end up having, I just want us to be naked together and having fun and feeling close. Can't we go on a date this weekend and come home and make out on the couch?"

If you do, and he has ED, don't get bummed because "it didn't work." Ask him what he would like you to do, and TELL him what you want him to do to you.

If that feels risky to say, then great! You need to take some sincere risks! Nothing is going to change if you don't change yourself. You have to really believe that you deserve a rich sexual life, that you can have this with DH no matter what, and you have to have faith that if you act like an adult, your DH will follow your lead because he probably wants the same thing and feels stuck too.

Talk about something sexual you would like to do with him that makes you a little nervous because it is something you would like to do but you worry about how he will react and it is not part of your usual routine. Feeling a little nervous is good. It means you are going beyond the safe and comfortable.

Look honestly at yourself. How have you been reacting? What have you been saying to him? Does he avoid sex because he worries about how you will react? Does he sense your disappointment? Passivity is not sexy. If you are passively waiting for him to change, that is not being true to yourself. Tell him, "I need to feel like you want me. I want you." Do whatever it takes to get off in his presence--toys, masturbation, whatever. He will not change unless you do.

You can see ED as a problem or you can see it as an opportunity for you both to grow and change. This could lead to positive things in your life.

i mean, this sounds good in the abstract. but it takes 2 for this to work and, frankly, you are putting a LOT on the DW in this scenario. let me tell you, as a DW who has lived with this for years and tried many different tactics to get through to my DH, the DH has to take responsibility for his feelings of inadequacy and also decide how best for him to proceed. of course there have been times that i have reacted badly - but that came YEARS after the problem surfaced and years after being patient and encouraging and years after DH did nothing to deal with it except shy away from initiating sex. hopefully OPs DH is not like mine but from what she is describing it sounds like he is.

OP, you can try your best, you can be open and honest, but in the end this is really about how DH is going to choose to deal with this, and you can't do it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure how Viagra works, but if a man attempts to get hard on his own & fails, can he then pop the pill and it will be efficient right away?

Or must it be taken a certain time frame prior?

I agree your husband is in a huge state of denial about this issue OP.
Men view their ability to "get it up" as an important component of their manliness and if they fail at it, their man parts aren't the only thing that deflates. So does their egos. Big time!!
Some even can view it as a sign of age + take it as a death in a way.

I know it's tough on your part too OP. Please try to practice a bit of patience w/him on this no matter how frustrating and problematic it will be.

Good luck to the two of you.

+1 He's not initiating dates because it ends with him having to confront his ED - and he'd rather be in denial (having to take viagra is a bitter pill to swallow, pardon the pun). I would try other ways to connect sexually besides PIV - let him give you an orgasm, touch each other, etc. without worry about his erection. Even so, he may not get hard and that will probably be upsetting to him (and you). But maybe take the pressure off a bit by talking about other ways you can be sexual together and see if that helps.

[Anonymous]

Viagra starts to work within 30 to 60 minutes after popping the pill. That is the perfect time where he can focus on your pleasure with all the other instruments at his disposal: fingers, mouth, toys.

Seem to me this is a mental issue, and he needs to get over this. Talk to him and make it clear that your sexlife is vitally important, he has not been avoiding the issue but that is just making it worse. Suggest the format where he pops the blue pill followed by 30 minutes of foreplay, then game-on.

[Anonymous]

<<i mean, this sounds good in the abstract. but it takes 2 for this to work and, frankly, you are putting a LOT on the DW in this scenario. let me tell you, as a DW who has lived with this for years and tried many different tactics to get through to my DH, the DH has to take responsibility for his feelings of inadequacy and also decide how best for him to proceed.>>

I am putting a lot on the DW, it's true. It's hard to be an adult. You seem to be saying that because the DH is acting like a child, the DW is entitled to, too. That is not going to solve anything. Perhaps your problem is that you are relying on "tactics" to try to get your DH to change when, in fact, the real change needs to come in yourself.

It's hard to stand up for yourself and clearly state your needs and insist on them being met. Someone who is not emotionally enmeshed to the point of giving up their own individuality would not be showing the level of anger that you are. Anger and bitterness is not very attractive. You are feeling good blaming your DH for not changing when, in fact, it doesn't seem to me like you are willing to change either. That is how you are coming across, and it is sad.

Because if you really started to change yourself, inside, chances are your DH would change too. It is inevitable, when two people are locked in an emotional way of interacting, if one member of the pair starts to shift then the other will be shifted too. Sexuality is often a window into people's overall relationship dynamics.

I'm talking from experience here. I had a disappointing sex life and my DH was dealing with ED problems. I blamed it all on the ED. It was *not* that. How we were dealing with the ED was a reflection of our whole relationship pattern and we had to work on changing it, with the help of therapy and reading books and taking emotional risks, and it was hard work. Saying "my DH won't work hard so I won't work hard either" is a way of blaming someone else for your unwillingness to change your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<i mean, this sounds good in the abstract. but it takes 2 for this to work and, frankly, you are putting a LOT on the DW in this scenario. let me tell you, as a DW who has lived with this for years and tried many different tactics to get through to my DH, the DH has to take responsibility for his feelings of inadequacy and also decide how best for him to proceed.>>

I am putting a lot on the DW, it's true. It's hard to be an adult. You seem to be saying that because the DH is acting like a child, the DW is entitled to, too. That is not going to solve anything. Perhaps your problem is that you are relying on "tactics" to try to get your DH to change when, in fact, the real change needs to come in yourself.

It's hard to stand up for yourself and clearly state your needs and insist on them being met. Someone who is not emotionally enmeshed to the point of giving up their own individuality would not be showing the level of anger that you are. Anger and bitterness is not very attractive. You are feeling good blaming your DH for not changing when, in fact, it doesn't seem to me like you are willing to change either. That is how you are coming across, and it is sad.

Because if you really started to change yourself, inside, chances are your DH would change too. It is inevitable, when two people are locked in an emotional way of interacting, if one member of the pair starts to shift then the other will be shifted too. Sexuality is often a window into people's overall relationship dynamics.

I'm talking from experience here. I had a disappointing sex life and my DH was dealing with ED problems. I blamed it all on the ED. It was *not* that. How we were dealing with the ED was a reflection of our whole relationship pattern and we had to work on changing it, with the help of therapy and reading books and taking emotional risks, and it was hard work. Saying "my DH won't work hard so I won't work hard either" is a way of blaming someone else for your unwillingness to change your own life.

we have been to therapy. twice in fact. both times we discussed this issue in depth. i am not acting like a child - i am acting like somebody who has run out of patience with somebody else who will not take the reins and try to be a leader. i tried to be a leader. for years. i have moved on.

[Anonymous]

Well, your contempt for your DH is coming through loud and clear.

But, you are choosing to stay in your marriage, knowing your DH's limitations. That is a CHOICE you are making. You say "I have moved on" but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you are still very bitter and angry and resentful. I really wonder how this situation benefits you. It must, or you would not want to stay in it.

So, ok, I get it--you are blameless. All the trouble resides in your DH. Keep telling yourself that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, your contempt for your DH is coming through loud and clear.

But, you are choosing to stay in your marriage, knowing your DH's limitations. That is a CHOICE you are making. You say "I have moved on" but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you are still very bitter and angry and resentful. I really wonder how this situation benefits you. It must, or you would not want to stay in it.

So, ok, I get it--you are blameless. All the trouble resides in your DH. Keep telling yourself that.

you extrapolate a lot. where did i say i was blameless? i did not. what i am saying is that my DH is not meeting me halfway, or even 1/4 of the way. at some point, it gets tiring. it really, really does.

we have a wonderful family life together with young kids. we generally enjoy each others company. in the end, my DH does not think it is important enough to work at it. there is only so much i can say or do about it. i can't make him do things. i am accepting that i cannot change him or that about him. i am sad, because i miss having a man who wants to have sex with me. but i alone cannot make it happen.

if you feel the need to keep tearing me down, go for it. if it makes you feel better rather than having some empathy, go for it. i will not be returning to this thread because all you are doing is accusing me of not doing enough and letting my DH completely off of the hook.

[Anonymous]

It's a health problem like others imo. No different than any other and if my spouse got sick that last thing I am thinking about is sex. So much more in a relationship, and it sounds like that man will have limited sex in the future if at all; especially with ageing.
Time to re-evaluate priorities imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, your contempt for your DH is coming through loud and clear.

But, you are choosing to stay in your marriage, knowing your DH's limitations. That is a CHOICE you are making. You say "I have moved on" but it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like you are still very bitter and angry and resentful. I really wonder how this situation benefits you. It must, or you would not want to stay in it.

So, ok, I get it--you are blameless. All the trouble resides in your DH. Keep telling yourself that.

On the other hand I know many women who are tired of the obligation sex. They are tired or stressed, it's a one way street, not attracted, rather be doing other things...you name it. A lot would love to be in those shoes. She needs to move on and appreciate the other aspects of their marriage. If they are healthy, finances are good, kids doing well then they are ahead of the game compared to many.

Too many people live in a fantasy imo and don't know how to be happy, or they expect another person to meet all their needs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry if I offended you, PP who will never return to this thread. I'm certainly not "letting your DH completely off the hook." I think your situation does indeed sound sad.

My point is merely this: your initial position to the OP is that an ED problem is primarily the DH's responsibility to take care of. I'm just saying that, in my view, you've got to take responsibility for yourself and your own life.