Reply to We're getting used to not having sex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you have to TALK to your DH. Even if he does not want to talk about it. Say, "I am really longing to be sexual and close with you and lately I feel like you are just not that interested. I don't know if you worry about the ED or what is going on. I miss you. I don't care about the ED or the exactly what kind of lovemaking we end up having, I just want us to be naked together and having fun and feeling close. Can't we go on a date this weekend and come home and make out on the couch?"

If you do, and he has ED, don't get bummed because "it didn't work." Ask him what he would like you to do, and TELL him what you want him to do to you.

If that feels risky to say, then great! You need to take some sincere risks! Nothing is going to change if you don't change yourself. You have to really believe that you deserve a rich sexual life, that you can have this with DH no matter what, and you have to have faith that if you act like an adult, your DH will follow your lead because he probably wants the same thing and feels stuck too.

Talk about something sexual you would like to do with him that makes you a little nervous because it is something you would like to do but you worry about how he will react and it is not part of your usual routine. Feeling a little nervous is good. It means you are going beyond the safe and comfortable.

Look honestly at yourself. How have you been reacting? What have you been saying to him? Does he avoid sex because he worries about how you will react?  Does he sense your disappointment? Passivity is not sexy. If you are passively waiting for him to change, that is not being true to yourself. Tell him, "I need to feel like you want me. I want you." Do whatever it takes to get off in his presence--toys, masturbation, whatever. He will not change unless you do.

You can see ED as a problem or you can see it as an opportunity for you both to grow and change. This could lead to positive things in your life. [/quote]

i mean, this sounds good in the abstract.  but it takes 2 for this to work and, frankly, you are putting a LOT on the DW in this scenario.  let me tell you, as a DW who has lived with this for years and tried many different tactics to get through to my DH, the DH has to take responsibility for his feelings of inadequacy and also decide how best for him to proceed.  of course there have been times that i have reacted badly - but that came YEARS after the problem surfaced and years after being patient and encouraging and years after DH did nothing to deal with it except shy away from initiating sex.  hopefully OPs DH is not like mine but from what she is describing it sounds like he is.

OP, you can try your best, you can be open and honest, but in the end this is really about how DH is going to choose to deal with this, and you can't do it for him.  [/quote]

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