My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been divorced for 5 years. I have 2 kids. I've been dating a guy for almost 2 years. We recently had the serious conversation of moving in together. He owns a house and so do I. He would rent out his house and move in with me. He told me that he is ready for this and wants it. He said that he's been ready for about 6 months, but keeps hesitating because he knows that moving in together and getting married to me is where he wants to head. BUT he said that he is challenged by thinking that his future with me will still have my ex in it and he can't stand my ex. My kids love him and get along with him. My ex comes to my house for the occasional pick up/drop off, as I go to his for the same. My kids play sports, so my ex is there as well. I CAN see myself with my boyfriend and getting married. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do (if anything) about his feelings about my ex that are "holding him back from moving forward" with our relationship. I told him how I feel about him and that I am ready to move forward, which he was glad to hear. It still did not help him decide.

My youngest is 11yrs old, so my ex will be around for a while still.

Do I just let him make the decision on his own eventually and ride it out until then?
Do I tell him that he has to make a decision soon (if he ends it with me and the kids we will all be very sad and have to move on) as we have invested years into this relationship expecting it to go someplace?

I guess I'm just not sure what, if anything I should do at this point. Thoughts?

How about asking him ways to make it easier for him? He sounds great with your children so I suspect you don't want to lose him. Of course you will see ex at sports, or school related stuff. A quick hi, sit with your bf. I think there's a compromise going by your post. Let bf know he and the children are your priorities, NOT the ex and continue to reassure him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a second marriage and I feel the same toward my husband's ex. I've been married awhile (5+ years) and had I known then how much this would have bothered me, I never would have gotten married.

It wasn't like this in the beginning. His ex wasn't around and the kids were little, I was nice to her when I interacted but that was it. In the first few years we were married, the ex started taking my husband to court time after time and it was really stressful. There were awful things said about my husband but then there started to be complaints about ME. Then my stepkids started complaining to the ex about me (little things) and the ex started to threaten me with texts and phone calls. She called the police on ME several times and CPS. None of it was ever valid, she just likes to harass people like that.

Now that the kids are teens I know that I don't have to see their mom probably ever again but I really have bad feelings and it effects me personally. I worry that my feelings will show and my stepkids will be affected in some way.

Maybe this is just my issue but I think that it is a good thing for your BF to be cautious.

This is not uncommon. As long as you don't say anything negative about her, I wouldn't worry. I would never attend anything where she would be and after the police thing which is beyond serious I would expect your dh to do the same. If the kids ask they are old enough to know how their mom harassed the two of you, and why you can't go near her. That's another whole ball game. Sad but the kids have a angry nutjob for a mom, and whose to say she wouldn't do the same again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The relationship with the dad won't be harmed. I'm sure she let's the kids see and interact all they want with him. If the ex is upsetting her like she posted that's the clue she needs to listen to the bf. If he's the "one" don't let the ex get in the way, all I can suggest.

Where on earth did she say the ex upsets her?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think this whole debate has gotten a bit in the wrong direction, given that we're not all talking to your ex, we're talking to you. My question for you is, how do you feel about the idea of a future where every time your ex does something that upsets you, instead of being able to expect some support from your spouse, you end up having to support your spouse in his upset about your ex's behavior? When do you become a priority? Your boyfriend can be upset with your ex's behavior while still supporting you in those moments instead of holding it against you.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are you need to seriously reconsider him as your boyfriend.

My feelings are he wants out of the relationship, but is too immmature to say so he's putting it on you.

It's been 2 years he should know by now if he wants to marry you and understand that marrying you means dealing with your ex from time to time.

As a pp mentioned he should be supporting you not using it against you.

He should also understand how important and healthy it is for the kids to get along amicably as possible, and adding tons of rules isn't going to accomplish that.
Also consider any rules you put in place should be rules you yourself are willing to follow should a new wife appear.

Also your kids are at an age or getting to an age were their opinions matter when it comes to visitation if you allow your boyfriend to make things difficult it could mean your kids requesting to spend more time with if not live with dad, or once they re 18 + not spend time with you at all because they resent your boyfriend.

Lastly, he's your BOYFRIEND.

He's got you in a tizzy and he can't even be bothered to make any kind of serious comittment to you.

Do not move in with him before at the very minimum getting engaged, and don't force your kids to move so you can shack up with your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

What would the boyfriend do if he couldn't stand your mother or what if you couldn't stand his father? Would it be expected that you cut the person out of your life?

I guess the bottom line conversation is does the boyfriend want to marry you? If he does, what do you both need to do to have a successful marriage? On your end, maybe having firmer boundaries with the ex. If you read the family threads it often comes down to the person not having firm boundaries with their family and allowing it to negatively impact his/her partner. The other side of it is yes, your ex is a jerk, that's why you are divorced. Knowing that is how the ex behaves me and that you share custody of the kids, what are the things he thinks you could be doing that you aren't? Are there things he can do to help defuse the situation? Maybe pre-marital counseling to help you both navigate this. Definitely don't move in until you figure this out. If he isn't willing to put in the work and try to work on this issue with you, then he isn't the one for you.

[Anonymous]

You two need to go to couples therapy to work through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason he can't stand your ex?

He doesn't like the way he has treated me and thinks he's a complete asshole.

Not his place to be offended. Your BF needs to grow up and myob. If he can't manage to keep his mouth shut and be polite in the presence of your ex, when you've made it clear that you are able to manage the contact, then he should just move on. I'm very very doubtful this is solely because of the way your ex treated you. He's got white knight issues....I see this response as a warning flag....really not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I guess I'm going to have to go with the minority view on this. But then again, I'm coming from someone who has been in your boyfriend's shoes. And honestly? To me? You don't walk away from your bf. You should be relieved that he's being so thoughtful about moving forward and how to do that in a healthy, manageable way!


I moved in with my boyfriend and his child, whom he has 50% custody with, after a few years of dating. (We are now married.) At the time, I was almost entirely focused on 1.) my readiness to commit myself permanently to the dad and 2.) my readiness to commit myself permanently to his child. I was then blindsided by the major impact that having his ex-wife in my life ended up having. She's a complete asshole. And a bad mom. But she's mom and of course she's going to play a major role in her child's life despite those facts. And, IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, anything that has a huge impact on that child's life is absolutely going to have an impact on your life. You can *try* to "stay out of parenting decisions." Honestly, I feel like most of the people who are counseling that have never been in that situation. At least if you're talking about youngish children, it's hard to "stay out of it." You feed, dress, care for, clean up after and love your child's spouse as if it was your own. When you are an adult who is responsible for raising the child in a healthy and happy way, you can't just "stay out of" important decision-making. And also... a bad ex does stress out the person you love. It's normal for someone to not like the impact that is having on their loved one.

All I'm trying to say is...he sounds mature. He sounds like he knows what he's getting into. And that's a good thing. He loves you. He loves your child. But he recognizes, correctly, that him moving in means your ex WILL impact his life (likely negatively). It's important that he realizes that. My husband's ex is the number one stress in my life. However, my husband's child is the number one blessing in my life so I move through it. I try to find ways of limiting her impact when I can and coping with what I can't control. But don't be mad that your boyfriend is looking at this situation with eyes wide open. He's exactly the kind of man who has a chance to make this all work.

[Anonymous]

The best advice to give OP is to not side with the ex against her partner. I hear that from friends, it's a relationship killer. Once they move in together, it's also his household and he will equally parent the child or children. The couple will parent the kids under their roof, and when child goes back to dad and his household it will be a different set of rules.

How dad and his partner parent under their roof will be their business. Most important is setting boundaries with the ex's.

If the ex is a a hole then like some suggested keep them at a distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I guess I'm going to have to go with the minority view on this. But then again, I'm coming from someone who has been in your boyfriend's shoes. And honestly? To me? You don't walk away from your bf. You should be relieved that he's being so thoughtful about moving forward and how to do that in a healthy, manageable way!


I moved in with my boyfriend and his child, whom he has 50% custody with, after a few years of dating. (We are now married.) At the time, I was almost entirely focused on 1.) my readiness to commit myself permanently to the dad and 2.) my readiness to commit myself permanently to his child. I was then blindsided by the major impact that having his ex-wife in my life ended up having. She's a complete asshole. And a bad mom. But she's mom and of course she's going to play a major role in her child's life despite those facts. And, IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, anything that has a huge impact on that child's life is absolutely going to have an impact on your life. You can *try* to "stay out of parenting decisions." Honestly, I feel like most of the people who are counseling that have never been in that situation. At least if you're talking about youngish children, it's hard to "stay out of it." You feed, dress, care for, clean up after and love your child's spouse as if it was your own. When you are an adult who is responsible for raising the child in a healthy and happy way, you can't just "stay out of" important decision-making. And also... a bad ex does stress out the person you love. It's normal for someone to not like the impact that is having on their loved one.

All I'm trying to say is...he sounds mature. He sounds like he knows what he's getting into. And that's a good thing. He loves you. He loves your child. But he recognizes, correctly, that him moving in means your ex WILL impact his life (likely negatively). It's important that he realizes that. My husband's ex is the number one stress in my life. However, my husband's child is the number one blessing in my life so I move through it. I try to find ways of limiting her impact when I can and coping with what I can't control. But don't be mad that your boyfriend is looking at this situation with eyes wide open. He's exactly the kind of man who has a chance to make this all work.

I would hope you and your bf limit ways of her impact if she's that way. You're his partner, and if there's a future you are also part of the important decision making.

Some ex's are so bad that it's best to follow the court order with little contact with the ex. I know a few where they meet the ex at a neutral place because they can't have them near their home. All different situations, but imo you put the relationship first and the kids. Ex is just that - a ex.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a great guy, and according to OP it's moving toward marriage. It sounds to me that he has been honest about the one big hurdle.

He's a ex, keep his contact very limited and think about your future and your kids. TALK to him about how you BOTH can limit seeing the ex.

Would you really want to lose him over a failed relationship from the past? Has he told you things the ex does that bother's him? At times have
you ignored his suggestions? Is it possible your ex does things purposely to hurt your relationship?

How does your ex feel about your bf?

[Anonymous]

This resonates with me for a number of reasons.

1. It's not really appropriate for your boyfriend to be increasingly upset absent an increase in shitty behavior from your ex. I generally think that a cordial coparenting relationship is really important for kids, and that is certainly something that my ex and I try to maintain as best we can. When my ex's wife moved in to his house, she really tightened the screws about access such that she flat out told him that I was no longer allowed in their house, at all - with the result that on the 2 occasions I've been there to pick up DD since she moved in, I have been left to wait on the porch. My solution to this was to simply do pick ups at a neutral location and make him facilitate that since it's his constraint that make the other thing impossible. My husband does not like my ex, but he recognizes that it's important for DD to see everyone getting along, and since we are grown ups, we swallow our resentment and get along. It's pretty much limited to being cordial at school events and birthday parties, though.

2. HOWEVER. Early in my relationship with my husband, he was more upset about my relationship with my ex because he believed that I allowed him to take advantage and also he thought that my emotional reactions to my ex's (predictable) advantage-taking were slightly less dispassionate than was optimal. I won't say that he felt threatened, but it was sort of in that ballpark. He would have been a lot happier if I didn't let my ex get to me, even if ex kept being a disrespectful asshole.

Things are better now a couple years in, but consider, OP, that your emotions may still be more enmeshed with your ex than you are aware and that your boyfriend may be picking up on that.

[Anonymous]

Don't rush him. Let him explore this issue. You should be discussing it with him. It's way better to look at this head-on now then to have it be an issue that eats away at your relationship AFTER he moves in. I know from experience that, for the kids, the difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend and a live in, is a whole separate level of commitment. It might not seem like a big difference to you, but the person is embedded into their lives on a daily basis. When that happens, things between the adults need to be calm and positive and the adults need to be focusing on a healthy transition for kids---not focused on their own drama.

This is a real issue and you need to have it resolved prior to him moving in. Don't be unduly scared off. But don't gloss over it and try to push things along either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This resonates with me for a number of reasons.

1. It's not really appropriate for your boyfriend to be increasingly upset absent an increase in shitty behavior from your ex. I generally think that a cordial coparenting relationship is really important for kids, and that is certainly something that my ex and I try to maintain as best we can. When my ex's wife moved in to his house, she really tightened the screws about access such that she flat out told him that I was no longer allowed in their house, at all - with the result that on the 2 occasions I've been there to pick up DD since she moved in, I have been left to wait on the porch. My solution to this was to simply do pick ups at a neutral location and make him facilitate that since it's his constraint that make the other thing impossible. My husband does not like my ex, but he recognizes that it's important for DD to see everyone getting along, and since we are grown ups, we swallow our resentment and get along. It's pretty much limited to being cordial at school events and birthday parties, though.

2. HOWEVER. Early in my relationship with my husband, he was more upset about my relationship with my ex because he believed that I allowed him to take advantage and also he thought that my emotional reactions to my ex's (predictable) advantage-taking were slightly less dispassionate than was optimal. I won't say that he felt threatened, but it was sort of in that ballpark. He would have been a lot happier if I didn't let my ex get to me, even if ex kept being a disrespectful asshole.

Things are better now a couple years in, but consider, OP, that your emotions may still be more enmeshed with your ex than you are aware and that your boyfriend may be picking up on that.

Why did your husband let his ex live in his home? If it's all working out great, but reading what you wrote it seems as if the X's didn't move on.