My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This resonates with me for a number of reasons.

1. It's not really appropriate for your boyfriend to be increasingly upset absent an increase in shitty behavior from your ex. I generally think that a cordial coparenting relationship is really important for kids, and that is certainly something that my ex and I try to maintain as best we can. When my ex's wife moved in to his house, she really tightened the screws about access such that she flat out told him that I was no longer allowed in their house, at all - with the result that on the 2 occasions I've been there to pick up DD since she moved in, I have been left to wait on the porch. My solution to this was to simply do pick ups at a neutral location and make him facilitate that since it's his constraint that make the other thing impossible. My husband does not like my ex, but he recognizes that it's important for DD to see everyone getting along, and since we are grown ups, we swallow our resentment and get along. It's pretty much limited to being cordial at school events and birthday parties, though.

2. HOWEVER. Early in my relationship with my husband, he was more upset about my relationship with my ex because he believed that I allowed him to take advantage and also he thought that my emotional reactions to my ex's (predictable) advantage-taking were slightly less dispassionate than was optimal. I won't say that he felt threatened, but it was sort of in that ballpark. He would have been a lot happier if I didn't let my ex get to me, even if ex kept being a disrespectful asshole.

Things are better now a couple years in, but consider, OP, that your emotions may still be more enmeshed with your ex than you are aware and that your boyfriend may be picking up on that.

Why did your husband let his ex live in his home? If it's all working out great, but reading what you wrote it seems as if the X's didn't move on.

Sorry, I was not clear. My ex-husband's second wife. He let her move in when they got married. I agree that the other way would be really weird. We both are remarried and live in separate homes. He and his wife are welcome in our home for things like birthday parties or to drop DD off. We are not welcome in their home for similar events.

[Anonymous]

I see. Very nice of you but I think many have separate parties and celebration on their own time which seems to work out best. At Xmas many do the day before or after, and the kids spend time with the other parent and that family. I personally think that's the best way. (same with BD, etc.) My brother got his kids whereby he and his wife would take them to our parents, and maybe the following week go on vacation. I don't see too many that go to functions the ex decides to have. However, I suppose if everyone is happy then it's working. It's what works for you and your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see. Very nice of you but I think many have separate parties and celebration on their own time which seems to work out best. At Xmas many do the day before or after, and the kids spend time with the other parent and that family. I personally think that's the best way. (same with BD, etc.) My brother got his kids whereby he and his wife would take them to our parents, and maybe the following week go on vacation. I don't see too many that go to functions the ex decides to have. However, I suppose if everyone is happy then it's working. It's what works for you and your spouse.

Yes, we do separate holidays. We had one birthday party at my house because it rained that day and the party had previously been scheduled at a park. I'm not talking about "attending functions" together or having joint holidays. I'm talking about once a year being at the same birthday party for DD, twice a year attending the same ballet recital, and periodically both being at assemblies at her school for various things. We're certainly not hanging out together, but at this point, any time when DD goes from one house to the other that does not involve the transfer occurring at school and does involve my ex and I seeing each other's faces is tense because his new wife does not believe it is appropriate. She made the rule that I (and my husband) are not allowed in her house at all, such that I have to wait on the porch on the (very rare) occasions when I have to go over there. I understand wanting to maintain appropriate boundaries, but in my opinion, consideration should also be paid to common courtesy. If the parent of one of DD's friends came over to collect her, I would not make them wait outside in the rain, because that's incredibly rude.

It sounded to me like the OP's boyfriend is concerned about OP's boundaries with her ex-husband. My suggestion was that the OP consider whether she actually has a boundary issue or whether her boyfriend's request is off the wall. In my case, early on, we did have a boundary issue, and I didn't really fully realize it until my then-boyfriend-now-husband pointed out that it was upsetting to him. At which point, I changed the dynamic. A year later, my ex remarried and his new wife changed the dynamic again, in a way that I do not believe is polite or healthy.

[Anonymous]

I don't think we have enough information at all to advise OP. I'm surprised to see comments about the BF being immature, etc. It could be the opposite--he is very aware that committing to OP is not just to her but her children AND a lifetime of interactions with the ex.

I'm a divorced mom of 2 dating and I have a very different perspective on this now vs before my divorce. I'm in a serious relationship and we're taking it very slowly on the children front and idea of long-term commitment. Dealing with someone's ex can be poisonous. It's very hard to know what you're in for.

With the little knowledge we have of what's going on, I'd say to OP that she should talk it out, maybe do therapy with the BF, and explore this. I wouldn't break up with the BF because of this. It could be a wonderful sign of a careful, thoughtful person who really commits 100% once he does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. Is he uncomfortable with your ex being around at all? Worried you still have feelings for him? Just dislikes him because your ex is an asshole? Honestly, this would be a red flag for me. What did he expect when he got involved with a divorced mom? That you would tell your kids "this is your new dad now" and act like your ex never existed? It's just weird.

He's not worried about feelings at all. He just really dislikes him. He thinks he's a jerk. Doesn't like how he has treated me.

So your boyfriend is going to hurt you now because he doesn't like the fact that your ex hurt you in the past?

[Anonymous]

I don't know - could be a convenient excuse to avoid that next level of committment. He's either all in or he's not.