My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband

[Anonymous]

I've been divorced for 5 years. I have 2 kids. I've been dating a guy for almost 2 years. We recently had the serious conversation of moving in together. He owns a house and so do I. He would rent out his house and move in with me. He told me that he is ready for this and wants it. He said that he's been ready for about 6 months, but keeps hesitating because he knows that moving in together and getting married to me is where he wants to head. BUT he said that he is challenged by thinking that his future with me will still have my ex in it and he can't stand my ex. My kids love him and get along with him. My ex comes to my house for the occasional pick up/drop off, as I go to his for the same. My kids play sports, so my ex is there as well. I CAN see myself with my boyfriend and getting married. I don't know what I'm supposed to say or do (if anything) about his feelings about my ex that are "holding him back from moving forward" with our relationship. I told him how I feel about him and that I am ready to move forward, which he was glad to hear. It still did not help him decide.

My youngest is 11yrs old, so my ex will be around for a while still.

Do I just let him make the decision on his own eventually and ride it out until then?
Do I tell him that he has to make a decision soon (if he ends it with me and the kids we will all be very sad and have to move on) as we have invested years into this relationship expecting it to go someplace?

I guess I'm just not sure what, if anything I should do at this point. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason he can't stand your ex?

[Anonymous]

I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. Is he uncomfortable with your ex being around at all? Worried you still have feelings for him? Just dislikes him because your ex is an asshole? Honestly, this would be a red flag for me. What did he expect when he got involved with a divorced mom? That you would tell your kids "this is your new dad now" and act like your ex never existed? It's just weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason he can't stand your ex?

He doesn't like the way he has treated me and thinks he's a complete asshole.

[Anonymous]

Is your ex an asshole to you or something? I mean, I can see why he wouldn't like him. Howevever I would be pretty annoyed with the boyfriend if after 2 years he was now using him as an excuse to not take the next step forward. Like it or not, your ex will always be in your life because of kids. This is something he should have learned to accept a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

This recent show about stepfamilies on On Point was really interesting. Take aways: it can take a really long time to blend a family, particularly if there are additional stressors like a new husband/stepfather who hates the ex. Is your new guy going to be able to be positive about dad around the kids? Will he respect dads role in his kids' lives? If not, that is going to cause a lot of stress in your relationship and for your kids:
https://onpoint.wbur.org/2016/01/27/blended-families-step-families-divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. Is he uncomfortable with your ex being around at all? Worried you still have feelings for him? Just dislikes him because your ex is an asshole? Honestly, this would be a red flag for me. What did he expect when he got involved with a divorced mom? That you would tell your kids "this is your new dad now" and act like your ex never existed? It's just weird.

He's not worried about feelings at all. He just really dislikes him. He thinks he's a jerk. Doesn't like how he has treated me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your ex an asshole to you or something? I mean, I can see why he wouldn't like him. Howevever I would be pretty annoyed with the boyfriend if after 2 years he was now using him as an excuse to not take the next step forward. Like it or not, your ex will always be in your life because of kids. This is something he should have learned to accept a long time ago.

Yes, he knew this and I think he thought that he would eventually be bother less by him, but for some reason he can't go past his dislike for my ex husband. I don't even talk about my ex husband in front of him or with him anymore because it just fuels the fire of hate. My boyfriend has come to my house a few times and can see me upset and hates it. Yes, my ex is rude, selfish and talks down to me. I have learned to let it go (the best I can). He is who is he, and that's why we divorced.

[Anonymous]

The ball's in his court. Your ex isn't going away. He's going to have to either learn how to deal with his extreme hatred or find someone else to be a partner to.

[Anonymous]

I would not move forward with him unless he read some books - or possibly did some counseling - about the value of coparenting (even with a jerk) and the role of step parents.

Your Ex might be a jerk. But he is your kid's father.

Sure, your youngest is 11, so it will be a while - like a LIFETIME. What happens when kids graduate from college? Have a major life event? Get married? Have a kid? Etc. BF has to be able come to terms with letting go anger/resentment/annoyed-ness, whatever it is so you can have a lifetime relationship with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Your bf's hangups are weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not quite sure I understand the issue. Is he uncomfortable with your ex being around at all? Worried you still have feelings for him? Just dislikes him because your ex is an asshole? Honestly, this would be a red flag for me. What did he expect when he got involved with a divorced mom? That you would tell your kids "this is your new dad now" and act like your ex never existed? It's just weird.

He's not worried about feelings at all. He just really dislikes him. He thinks he's a jerk. Doesn't like how he has treated me.

I think your boyfriend has some growing up to do before he can take the next step.

[Anonymous]

My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.

[Anonymous]

Trying to read in between the lines, your ex is a a hole if your bf saw you upset at times. This is a good time to think about your past and future. Do you want to allow a ex to sabotage your future? Yes he's you children's father and you can respect that, however stop allowing him inside your home, and do the exchanges quickly with little conversation. At the kids age it's should be clear what the visitation schedule is. Maybe a confirmation email and start to minimize the contact with ex. Let your bf know you are putting the past in the past, and just because you have kids with the ex, doesn't mean he has to be in your life. If you do plan to marry him then you and he can co-parent together, and have your ex and his partner co-parent on their time. This seems to work best for couples with new partners.

Is there a way you can move into bf's home, and you rent yours??? That may work out best in regards to your ex thinking he can come in your home, and may help with the boundary issue. Again I would do what I could to have a better future minus the ex. I see too many people that mess up their lives over ex's yet they empowered them all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's ex-wife can do annoying things (I mean, can't we all) but oh well. He's not really offering you a choice here. He can minimize his interactions with the ex as much as possible and let you and ex handle the parenting stuff (frankly, he should do that anyway) but it's not like your ex is never not going to be around in some capacity. I don't know what he wants or expects to happen here.

Either he can be a big boy and cope, or he can't. Nothing you can do about it, this is all on him. Kinda weird he's this obsessed by your ex though.

The fact that she's been upset from the ex shows there's a problem. It doesn't seem to be with the bf, and yes what he can do is dump her for someone that is more willing to move forward. No a ex doesn't have to be in your life. Do the child exchanges, maybe bring bf along and once the kids can drive it's over except for a wedding, graduation or something like that. AS for co-parenting many I know do that with their new partner, and the other one does the same on their time. This ensures no one is trying to micro-manage the other couple's home or parenting style.