Reply to My current boyfriend and his opinion about my ex husband

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow. I guess I'm going to have to go with the minority view on this. But then again, I'm coming from someone who has been in your boyfriend's shoes. And honestly? To me? You don't walk away from your bf. You should be relieved that he's being so thoughtful about moving forward and how to do that in a healthy, manageable way!

I moved in with my boyfriend and his child, whom he has 50% custody with, after a few years of dating. (We are now married.) At the time, I was almost entirely focused on 1.) my readiness to commit myself permanently to the dad and 2.) my readiness to commit myself permanently to his child. I was then blindsided by the major impact that having his ex-wife in my life ended up having. She's a complete asshole. And a bad mom. But she's mom and of course she's going to play a major role in her child's life despite those facts. And, IF YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT, anything that has a huge impact on that child's life is absolutely going to have an impact on your life. You can *try* to "stay out of parenting decisions." Honestly, I feel like most of the people who are counseling that have never been in that situation. At least if you're talking about youngish children, it's hard to "stay out of it." You feed, dress, care for, clean up after and love your child's spouse as if it was your own. When you are an adult who is responsible for raising the child in a healthy and happy way, you can't just "stay out of" important decision-making. And also... a bad ex does stress out the person you love. It's normal for someone to not like the impact that is having on their loved one.

All I'm trying to say is...he sounds mature. He sounds like he knows what he's getting into. And that's a good thing. He loves you. He loves your child. But he recognizes, correctly, that him moving in means your ex WILL impact his life (likely negatively). It's important that he realizes that. My husband's ex is the number one stress in my life.  However, my husband's child is the number one blessing in my life so I move through it. I try to find ways of limiting her impact when I can and coping with what I can't control. But don't be mad that your boyfriend is looking at this situation with eyes wide open. He's exactly the kind of man who has a chance to make this all work.[/quote]

I would hope you and your bf limit ways of her impact if she's that way.  You're his partner, and if there's a future you are also part of the important decision making.

Some ex's are so bad that it's best to follow the court order with little contact with the ex.  I know a few where they meet the ex at a neutral place because they can't have them near their home.  All different situations, but imo you put the relationship first and the kids.  Ex is just that - a ex.[/quote]

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