My In-Laws Hate Me

[Anonymous]

If your husband refuses counseling, you should still go by yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who makes the plans in your family? In my family, I make the plans. I find my MIL annoying. She is nowhere near as offensive as your in-laws, but I simply don't plan to see her and we don't. My husband is welcome to plan to see her, but he doesn't. We live 45 minutes away from her. We could see her once a week. We do not because I don't make plans to see her. We see her at holidays and that is about it. She was less than open about my religion. Even exclaiming in alarm, "You aren't going to get married at (my house of worship) are you?!" When she found out that her only grandchild would be going to a religious school, she asked when our child would learn about "our" (her) religion. My response, "that is up to your son to teach her 'his' religion." Never happened.

So my suggestion is to simply stop making plans to see them. It works best if you peel back slowly. Immediately start alternating holidays. Thanksgiving with them one year and yours the next. Since you aren't Christian, I suggest one year with them and one year a vacation with your nuclear family. If you have to travel there, arrive on Thanksgiving day and leave on Friday. "The airfare prices are best." Then it will be two years before the next holiday. Within 2 cycles you can say, "It is so expensive to go at Thanksgiving and we can save money and stay longer if we go in the summer or something." And then never follow through. For Christmas when you are with them, rent a car and plan something out of the house every single day. Movies, museum, bounce houses, anything. Follow a schedule. Up, breakfast, everyone outside to a park or play ground, lunch, nap, afternoon outing, dinner, bath, bed. Switch off the morning and afternoon activity so as not to look too obvious. Do an outing in the morning, do lunch, naps, and then playground or park in the afternoon. If anyone gripes about it, smile and say, "we'd love you to join us." They won't.

Or leave it *entirely* to your husband. "Honey, I know it is your family's year for Thanksgiving. We can leave anytime 5pm or later on Wed and have to be back by bedtime on Sunday. Let me know when you book our flights. We need to keep the RT airfare below $200pp in order to stay on budget." And then say *nothing*. Nothing. Not a peep.

This sounds like it was spoken like a DW who has been there, done that! I think this should be a "sticky". Tried and true advise!

Yup, this is exactly what we do as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband have penis? You might want to ask him if he lost his. A real man who loved his wife would stand up for her and end this nonsense about going to hell. The fact that your husband doesn't stand up for you is a red flag.

Yeah, that's how a Real Woman (tm) shows love for her husband.

Is it going to help if OP's H gets in a knockdown dragout fight with his parents and essentially gets disowned?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I guess I was hopeful that once they saw that I was a good person, they'd feel differently.

You know this doesn't matter in evangelical Christianity, right? Luke 18:19 -Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone.

[Anonymous]

I would not go anymore. I would not send my daughter either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

He's already flat-out refused any type of counseling. He says it never works. I'm just sad that this is what we've become.

I don't want to oust myself more than I probably already have by revealing my religion and ethnicity. Let's just say it's not Christian and that my family didn't come over on the Mayflower.

I want to make this work but his anger and resentment towards me for just being sad about how they view me is strange to me and seems pretty unfair. Of course they're entitled to their opinions, but you'd think my husband would share in my incredulity. My guess is that he's, indeed, becoming more conservative in his views and I need to decide whether two people on opposite ends of the socio-political spectrum can coexist in the same household when one partner was raised to fear and hate the other.

Been through this.

The problem is ALL with your husband. You are never going to change his family and their views or religious beliefs. That's a given. They will never accept you. Your husband has to make a choice between you and them with their views. If he chooses you, he'll have to reject a number of things about them and stand up for you every time. He'll have to be strong enough to take on whatever shame and rejection and criticism they pile on him.

The trouble is, he isn't choosing you. He's identifying with them, which puts you on the outside. He sounds like a scared little boy, running back to what's familiar, looking for approval and safety. Prepare yourself for things to get worse and worse. There are probably multiple issues and unhealthy dynamics in the family, because it's not typically strong, emotionally healthy people who are drawn to religious extremism with fear and hate of others.

He can't grow up and stand up for himself or figure out what he truly believes in or thinks right. He's dumping all the blame for that on you. He doesn't have your back. It's outrageous that he takes their side regarding their treatment and bigoted view of you. Do not accept this. As I said, in my experience, it will get worse and worse.

This is exactly correct. DH needs to make a choice. And if he chooses them, divorce sounds like the best solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I guess I was hopeful that once they saw that I was a good person, they'd feel differently.

You know this doesn't matter in evangelical Christianity, right? Luke 18:19 -Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good--except God alone.

I can see why this all makes you sad and angry, OP! Hugs.

It may help you not feel so badly (even when they are acting badly) to understand Evangelical world view, if you don't already. They probably don't hate you or think you are inferior - or if they do, that's just about them being miserable people. They probably think you and their grandchildren are going to burn in hell for ever and ever, though. And when you think of the absolute horror of believing that about people you love...ouch. So they believe their job is to save you and their grandkids, probably. It makes not a whit of difference to them if you are kind, loving, a wonderful mother and wife...because they believe all that matters to God is believing in Jesus. So, if they are saying Evangelical stuff to you - talking Jesus and religion and so forth - it might help to know that they aren't doing it because they hate you, but because they want to save you. I know that is eye rolling for most of us, but for fundamentalists it is literal. I know because I married into a fundie family (my husband ran far away from his church, though, so I'm in a different boat).

I agree with PPs who said you probably will have to limit contact if your inlaws can't stop the salvation talk, though. I'd take my mother or father in law aside and say "I appreciate your concern for my soul. I truly do. But I won't have this conversation any more, and you may not talk about it around my kids. Even if you believe you are being helpful, you are hurting all of us. Please stop."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're dealing with two things here. The first is that your in laws' religion is intolerant, which sucks, but there's not much you can do about it. If you complain about that, you will be accused of intolerance yourself for not accepting someone else's beliefs. The best you can really do is ask that your in laws not discuss who is or is not going to hell around your daughter, which may or may not work. Theoretically, there are other things to talk about, and you could try focusing on "That's not language we feel is appropriate for our DD, so let's stick to football and needlepoint." I know that will likely be difficult at best, but it's worth a shot.

I think your larger issue is the way your husband is dealing with the situation. There is a difference between "becoming more conservative" and believing that all Muslims are going to hell or are terrorists, or all Arabs are Muslims, or whatever it is we're talking about. He can become more conservative. He can even become religious. But making bigoted remarks about your heritage isn't acceptable at all, and allowing his family to do so is equally unacceptable.

I would sit down for a serious conversation with your husband, and bring up specific examples of things your in laws have said that are offensive and personally directed. He cannot, CANNOT be sweet to them when they're rude to you. If my husband did that to me around his parents, I would simply refuse to go and refuse to allow him to take our daughter with him either.

[Anonymous]

Stop getting sad and start getting mad. No more being a martyr. Put your foot down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your husband refuses counseling, you should still go by yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

Yes. If your husband isn't upset about the way your ILs treat you, he isn't on your side, and that does not bode well for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your husband refuses counseling, you should still go by yourself. You need to take care of yourself.

Yes. If your husband isn't upset about the way your ILs treat you, he isn't on your side, and that does not bode well for your marriage.

+1! Sorry you have to go through this, OP, and it sounds like it'll be worse at Xmas! Any way you can avoid ILs over the holidays?

[Anonymous]

Is conservative the new word for intolerant? I hate that people use these interchangeably. Not all conservatives are intolerant & not all people who are intolerant are conservatives. I've met some pretty intolerant liberals, progressives, moderates, etc...

Your DH is becoming less tolerant which is completely off-putting if you are someone who is tolerant of religious, racial, ethnic, etc... differences.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband chose you and chose to make a family with you. You might ask him if he truly believes that you are inferior and are going to hell. If so, I would simply say that you can no longer raise children with someone whose inherent beliefs disrespect and undervalue you as a person.

It is not healthy for you or for your children to be exposed to this level of toxicity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who makes the plans in your family? In my family, I make the plans. I find my MIL annoying. She is nowhere near as offensive as your in-laws, but I simply don't plan to see her and we don't. My husband is welcome to plan to see her, but he doesn't. We live 45 minutes away from her. We could see her once a week. We do not because I don't make plans to see her. We see her at holidays and that is about it. She was less than open about my religion. Even exclaiming in alarm, "You aren't going to get married at (my house of worship) are you?!" When she found out that her only grandchild would be going to a religious school, she asked when our child would learn about "our" (her) religion. My response, "that is up to your son to teach her 'his' religion." Never happened.

So my suggestion is to simply stop making plans to see them. It works best if you peel back slowly. Immediately start alternating holidays. Thanksgiving with them one year and yours the next. Since you aren't Christian, I suggest one year with them and one year a vacation with your nuclear family. If you have to travel there, arrive on Thanksgiving day and leave on Friday. "The airfare prices are best." Then it will be two years before the next holiday. Within 2 cycles you can say, "It is so expensive to go at Thanksgiving and we can save money and stay longer if we go in the summer or something." And then never follow through. For Christmas when you are with them, rent a car and plan something out of the house every single day. Movies, museum, bounce houses, anything. Follow a schedule. Up, breakfast, everyone outside to a park or play ground, lunch, nap, afternoon outing, dinner, bath, bed. Switch off the morning and afternoon activity so as not to look too obvious. Do an outing in the morning, do lunch, naps, and then playground or park in the afternoon. If anyone gripes about it, smile and say, "we'd love you to join us." They won't.

Or leave it *entirely* to your husband. "Honey, I know it is your family's year for Thanksgiving. We can leave anytime 5pm or later on Wed and have to be back by bedtime on Sunday. Let me know when you book our flights. We need to keep the RT airfare below $200pp in order to stay on budget." And then say *nothing*. Nothing. Not a peep.

This sounds like it was spoken like a DW who has been there, done that! I think this should be a "sticky". Tried and true advise!

Yup, this is exactly what we do as well.

Not OP, but we have started to do this too but I am still so hurt by the fact that my MIL isn't kind to me and does more for her other grandkids than for my daughter. As a result, my dd sees her grandparents less and loses out on that (they are good to her when they see her, just insulting to me which I won't tolerate). I longed for a warm loving extended family and it is hard to accept that we'll never have that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I would put my foot down. If they make a single disparaging remark about your religion and ethnicity you leave. They need to understand that access to your DC is conditioned on respect for your culture. Your DH needs a swift kick to the rear in this. Counseling might be called for.

THIS!