My In-Laws Hate Me
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Anonymous
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Please be kind. I already know I shouldn't have seen this coming, but...
My in-laws are Christian Evangelicals. I am not. They believe that I'm going to hell because I haven't taken Jesus Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior. They believe the same about my family. My family has been nothing but loving and kind and generous to DH and his family. Every time we're in town, DH's family says something offensive and bigoted about my religion and ethnic background. It's frustrating and hurtful. DH just tells me to ignore it and acts like nothing happened. It hurts me to see his family act that way. I knew they always felt that way but I guess I was hopeful that once they saw that I was a good person, they'd feel differently. I'm a little afraid our daughter (now just a toddler) is going to be confused by grandma and grandpa's belief that Mommy and Mommy's whole family are all going to hell. For some reason, whenever DH's family says something stupid and racist, DH gets angry with ME for being upset about it and it just makes him act nicer and sweeter to his family because "they don't know any better" and resentful and annoyed with me for being sad about it. Over the years, DH is also getting more and more conservative. He wasn't conservative when we were dating. I don't know how to handle him becoming his father... I know this isn't going to get better. I guess I just don't know how to deal with it. How do I keep my daughter from believing what they believe (that I'm going to hell and so is my whole family)? |
Anonymous
OP here. I meant to say I know that I SHOULD have seen this coming. |
Anonymous
| Yikes. I would put my foot down. If they make a single disparaging remark about your religion and ethnicity you leave. They need to understand that access to your DC is conditioned on respect for your culture. Your DH needs a swift kick to the rear in this. Counseling might be called for. |
Anonymous
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What's your ethnicity and religion ?
It amazes me how many of you on here post about uncouth in laws. That behavior is unheard of where I come from. |
Anonymous
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I'm so sorry, OP. Several of my aunts and uncles were like this growing up and it was rough for us. When we all grew up, we just naturally grew away from those family members and stopped seeing them much to cut down on the drama.
If it helps at all, it never occurred to any of my siblings or me that our relatives were correct. While it was upsetting to hear them spout off about us, it wasn't because I believed them, it was because they were being nasty. You're going to have exponentially more influence on what your children believe than your in-laws. |
Anonymous
| Agree about counseling. At the end of the day this isn't an in-law problem, it's a DH problem. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry OP. In a moment when you two are not in the thick of it and not around his family I'd try to talk to him about your concerns and see if you two can reach a common ground on how to deal with his family. Wishing you the best. |
Anonymous
| I agree. Put your foot down. Tell DH and his family that they have a right to think what they want but they absolutely must not say those things in front of your children. If you need help, try to get your husband into counseling. No therapist is every going to say that it is okay to say those things to kids. |
Anonymous
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"I knew they always felt that way but I guess I was hopeful that once they saw that I was a good person, they'd feel differently."
Hope is not a plan. |
Anonymous
| Your husband should not allow this. At all. |
Anonymous
| My in-laws don't talk to me when they come in our home or when we visit their house. They are religious hypocrites. I don't engage with them and that is fine. They try to draw me into their wacko philosophy and I just don't comment. They frequently make inappropriate comments directed to my wife about her weight (though she is not overweight, just not as skinny as them) and some of her life choices, that is when I pipe up and essentially put them in their place. I think because I don't engage in the rest of their BS banter they know I am serious in my reaction to comments about DW. |
Anonymous
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"Honey, either you say something to them about their behavior, or I will, and I can pretty much guarantee you won't like how I do it. One way or another, they need to hear that proselytizing to us means less time with us, and the first time I hear them saying anyone is going to hell in DD's presence, I am waking out the door with DD and won't be going back for a long time."
Also, and this is kind of horrible, but it helps me to think of my evangelical relatives as slightly mentally ill. It helps me pick my battles. |
Anonymous
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Your husband has to change his attitude. He needs to step up and defend you. He needs to recognize that even ONE racist/prejudiced comment about your family, your ethnicity or your religion are unacceptable. My parents were not of the same nationality, religion or cultures. We did not see family members who were hateful. The only one we tolerated was my elderly and clearly senile grandmother, who did spout a few hateful comments, but never to my father's face. There are two options for your nuclear family: 1. divorce 2. your husband has to change. You need to sit your husband down during a moment when you are both calm, and lay down the two options. He may change when he sees you are being deadly serious. |
Anonymous
| You either divorce the husband or he abandons his family. He should abandon them. |
Anonymous
Where is that magical place? |