My In-Laws Hate Me

[Anonymous]

OP again.

He's already flat-out refused any type of counseling. He says it never works. I'm just sad that this is what we've become.

I don't want to oust myself more than I probably already have by revealing my religion and ethnicity. Let's just say it's not Christian and that my family didn't come over on the Mayflower.

I want to make this work but his anger and resentment towards me for just being sad about how they view me is strange to me and seems pretty unfair. Of course they're entitled to their opinions, but you'd think my husband would share in my incredulity. My guess is that he's, indeed, becoming more conservative in his views and I need to decide whether two people on opposite ends of the socio-political spectrum can coexist in the same household when one partner was raised to fear and hate the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Honey, either you say something to them about their behavior, or I will, and I can pretty much guarantee you won't like how I do it. One way or another, they need to hear that proselytizing to us means less time with us, and the first time I hear them saying anyone is going to hell in DD's presence, I am waking out the door with DD and won't be going back for a long time."

Also, and this is kind of horrible, but it helps me to think of my evangelical relatives as slightly mentally ill. It helps me pick my battles.

This is EXACTLY right. Word for word. And once they say something, you let them have it (politely). I would never let anyone talk to or about me, my child, or family like that. Your husband needs a kick in the ass (I'm a DH, fwiw).

[Anonymous]

I think you need to directly tell your husband that his in action in defending you is not unnoticed and that cumulatively this is beginning to create thoughts of divorce. There are ignorant, racist people everywhere in the fact that they are your in-laws makes it doubly hard, however I think it's your husband's unwillingness to defend you as his spouse and mother of his child that would make this an almost unforgivable offense

[Anonymous]

Who makes the plans in your family? In my family, I make the plans. I find my MIL annoying. She is nowhere near as offensive as your in-laws, but I simply don't plan to see her and we don't. My husband is welcome to plan to see her, but he doesn't. We live 45 minutes away from her. We could see her once a week. We do not because I don't make plans to see her. We see her at holidays and that is about it. She was less than open about my religion. Even exclaiming in alarm, "You aren't going to get married at (my house of worship) are you?!" When she found out that her only grandchild would be going to a religious school, she asked when our child would learn about "our" (her) religion. My response, "that is up to your son to teach her 'his' religion." Never happened.

So my suggestion is to simply stop making plans to see them. It works best if you peel back slowly. Immediately start alternating holidays. Thanksgiving with them one year and yours the next. Since you aren't Christian, I suggest one year with them and one year a vacation with your nuclear family. If you have to travel there, arrive on Thanksgiving day and leave on Friday. "The airfare prices are best." Then it will be two years before the next holiday. Within 2 cycles you can say, "It is so expensive to go at Thanksgiving and we can save money and stay longer if we go in the summer or something." And then never follow through. For Christmas when you are with them, rent a car and plan something out of the house every single day. Movies, museum, bounce houses, anything. Follow a schedule. Up, breakfast, everyone outside to a park or play ground, lunch, nap, afternoon outing, dinner, bath, bed. Switch off the morning and afternoon activity so as not to look too obvious. Do an outing in the morning, do lunch, naps, and then playground or park in the afternoon. If anyone gripes about it, smile and say, "we'd love you to join us." They won't.

Or leave it *entirely* to your husband. "Honey, I know it is your family's year for Thanksgiving. We can leave anytime 5pm or later on Wed and have to be back by bedtime on Sunday. Let me know when you book our flights. We need to keep the RT airfare below $200pp in order to stay on budget." And then say *nothing*. Nothing. Not a peep.

[Anonymous]

Why did you ever get married?
This couldn't have come out of nowhere?
I believe this qualifies as a form of emotional abuse.
If he refuses counseling go on your own. You need it.
If he won't stand up for you, you do it.
No way should you or your child be subjected to this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who makes the plans in your family? In my family, I make the plans. I find my MIL annoying. She is nowhere near as offensive as your in-laws, but I simply don't plan to see her and we don't. My husband is welcome to plan to see her, but he doesn't. We live 45 minutes away from her. We could see her once a week. We do not because I don't make plans to see her. We see her at holidays and that is about it. She was less than open about my religion. Even exclaiming in alarm, "You aren't going to get married at (my house of worship) are you?!" When she found out that her only grandchild would be going to a religious school, she asked when our child would learn about "our" (her) religion. My response, "that is up to your son to teach her 'his' religion." Never happened.

So my suggestion is to simply stop making plans to see them. It works best if you peel back slowly. Immediately start alternating holidays. Thanksgiving with them one year and yours the next. Since you aren't Christian, I suggest one year with them and one year a vacation with your nuclear family. If you have to travel there, arrive on Thanksgiving day and leave on Friday. "The airfare prices are best." Then it will be two years before the next holiday. Within 2 cycles you can say, "It is so expensive to go at Thanksgiving and we can save money and stay longer if we go in the summer or something." And then never follow through. For Christmas when you are with them, rent a car and plan something out of the house every single day. Movies, museum, bounce houses, anything. Follow a schedule. Up, breakfast, everyone outside to a park or play ground, lunch, nap, afternoon outing, dinner, bath, bed. Switch off the morning and afternoon activity so as not to look too obvious. Do an outing in the morning, do lunch, naps, and then playground or park in the afternoon. If anyone gripes about it, smile and say, "we'd love you to join us." They won't.

Or leave it *entirely* to your husband. "Honey, I know it is your family's year for Thanksgiving. We can leave anytime 5pm or later on Wed and have to be back by bedtime on Sunday. Let me know when you book our flights. We need to keep the RT airfare below $200pp in order to stay on budget." And then say *nothing*. Nothing. Not a peep.

This sounds like it was spoken like a DW who has been there, done that! I think this should be a "sticky". Tried and true advise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

He's already flat-out refused any type of counseling. He says it never works. I'm just sad that this is what we've become.

I don't want to oust myself more than I probably already have by revealing my religion and ethnicity. Let's just say it's not Christian and that my family didn't come over on the Mayflower.

I want to make this work but his anger and resentment towards me for just being sad about how they view me is strange to me and seems pretty unfair. Of course they're entitled to their opinions, but you'd think my husband would share in my incredulity. My guess is that he's, indeed, becoming more conservative in his views and I need to decide whether two people on opposite ends of the socio-political spectrum can coexist in the same household when one partner was raised to fear and hate the other.

This is strange. Your husband should be standing up for you, not getting mad at you. You should go to your family or friends for help.

[Anonymous]

I agree on cutting down on time spent together. Their behaviour is unacceptable. And when you do meet up, have them come to your place. Sometimes people are better behaved when they're the guests, like in the case of my father. He wouldn't dream of pulling the crap he does at his place when he's over at our place. But you know them the best and if you don't think this will work then just start cutting back on visits.
Don't really know what to say about your husband though. It sucks that he doesn't have your back. I feel that way too sometimes when it comes to his sister. She's his innocent younger can do no wrong angel and if we have any kind of disagreement then I'm the shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I knew they always felt that way but I guess I was hopeful that once they saw that I was a good person, they'd feel differently."

Hope is not a plan.

To peopel like that, being a good person has nothing to do with it. Either you accept Jesus as your savior, or you go to hell. My mom is like this. It's maddening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

He's already flat-out refused any type of counseling. He says it never works. I'm just sad that this is what we've become.

I don't want to oust myself more than I probably already have by revealing my religion and ethnicity. Let's just say it's not Christian and that my family didn't come over on the Mayflower.

I want to make this work but his anger and resentment towards me for just being sad about how they view me is strange to me and seems pretty unfair. Of course they're entitled to their opinions, but you'd think my husband would share in my incredulity. My guess is that he's, indeed, becoming more conservative in his views and I need to decide whether two people on opposite ends of the socio-political spectrum can coexist in the same household when one partner was raised to fear and hate the other.

Been through this.

The problem is ALL with your husband. You are never going to change his family and their views or religious beliefs. That's a given. They will never accept you. Your husband has to make a choice between you and them with their views. If he chooses you, he'll have to reject a number of things about them and stand up for you every time. He'll have to be strong enough to take on whatever shame and rejection and criticism they pile on him.

The trouble is, he isn't choosing you. He's identifying with them, which puts you on the outside. He sounds like a scared little boy, running back to what's familiar, looking for approval and safety. Prepare yourself for things to get worse and worse. There are probably multiple issues and unhealthy dynamics in the family, because it's not typically strong, emotionally healthy people who are drawn to religious extremism with fear and hate of others.

He can't grow up and stand up for himself or figure out what he truly believes in or thinks right. He's dumping all the blame for that on you. He doesn't have your back. It's outrageous that he takes their side regarding their treatment and bigoted view of you. Do not accept this. As I said, in my experience, it will get worse and worse.

[Anonymous]

Don't get sad, get mad at your husband for allowing his parents to hurt your feelings. He should know without doubt that their comments are not acceptable to you. Work on getting your husband on your side. Or, move far, far away from your in-laws and limit their access to your children until they are old enough to resist their influence. No phone calls, no skype, facetime, etc. Keep your visits very brief and let your husband keep in touch with his parents any way he likes. Do not talk bad about them in front of your kids though, not that you sound like you would. Get smarter and protect your family from going down the path your husband is leading you.

Evangelical people of all faiths don't care how good a person is. To them, anyone that is not of their belief system is inferior. They are cold and lost in their own darkness.

[Anonymous]

OP, as someone in a mixed religious marriage (Muslim and Christian) who faces a bit of what you do, all I can say is YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve to be treated with courtesy and kindness. All humans do. If their religion makes them deviate from that path, they are doing it wrong. And you need to show your kid that you deserve better. I politely shut people down when they say inappropriate things like that. I think if you call them out on it once or twice, it will likely stop. Right now they think you just roll over and take it, so they have no incentive to stop. Why should they?

You truly deserve better. Have faith in yourself. You are worth it.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have penis? You might want to ask him if he lost his. A real man who loved his wife would stand up for her and end this nonsense about going to hell. The fact that your husband doesn't stand up for you is a red flag.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty, your husband is a spouse and a father now so it is entirely up to him to stand up to his family.

He is to demand respect from them and it is up to him to make sure you and your daughter are treated fairly.

If he does not stick up for you and sides with them, then he is not fulfilling his spousal or fatherly duties.

Part of being mature and responsible is looking out in the best interest for his family. It looks to me like he is lagging behind.

If his family continues this behavior after he has spoken to them about it, then he is to let them know that until they respect you like you fully deserve, he will have nothing to do with them and he will mean it.

He is a grown up now, married with child. His loyalty should be with you and your daughter first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

For comments about your religion: "What is wrong with you?"

For comments about hell and Jesus: "He loves everyone, but is ok with sending Mother Teresa to burn for eternity? Yeah, sounds great."

Never engage in argument or even acknowledge their retorts. You could just nod at them like they're batshit crazy. Your child(ren) will figure out they're nuts. No need to discuss it with them.