Divorcing : what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad had an affair when I was little (5-7ish?). Mom stayed with him, but they never worked through the issues. When I was a teenager and my Mom could tell I was getting closer to Dad, she told me about his affair. Made things weird between Dad and me. But the real damage was how it affected my dating life. Don't do this to your children, no matter how much it would make you feel better.

That is terrible!

[Anonymous]

Same scenario here. Ex also spent even more of our retirement funds on himself and other women after we separated but before we were divorced.

My son still doesn't know. I will tell him one day when he is older (only if he asks more specifically). At this point, other than making me feel better, I can not see any positive reason to turn my son against his father.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell. These things have a way of sorting themselves out. Take the high road. Relentlessly.

Constantly have your kids interests in mind when making any decisions re what to say. Reinforce that their dad loves them. I am sure this is true. If you don't have something nice just don't say it.

-StepParent of an 18 yo whose mom is a drug and alcohol addict but also the fun parent. DS has had a lot of pain in coming to his own terms with that relationship. Didn't need any added drama from DH and I.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The affair and finances are adult issues, no matter how old your kids are. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Ok, but how is OP going to explain that the college fund went poof? If she has told her son there is money, and suddenly there is not, he is likely to ask why. What should she say? OP should not have to lie to her son to cover up his father's misdeeds.

Exactly. NEVER EVER LIE to a child. And believe me, if they are like my children, they will ask.

Sorry, but older children deserve some age-appropriate answers. Get a book or a good child psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

I totally agree the OP needs to get professional advice on this because it is crucially important. But, as an adult child of divorce where there was an affair with my parent's marriage, I am surprise you got professional advice to spill the affair to your kids (what you said was cryptic but obvious and I don't mean to be insulting, but it seems passive aggressive and begs the question of "what promise did dad break?) I absolutely loathed when my mom would feel the need to tell me it was my dad's cheating that wrecked the marriage. It made me cringe so deeply to be dragged into their bullshit, I eventually would just walk out of the house when she brought it up (I moved out on my own when I was 17 to avoid them).

Thing is, I have no idea why my dad cheated, and as an adult who is now married I know affairs don't happen in a vacuum. But I know my dad remained a great dad after the divorce, and how I hated my mom for burning into my head that he was the reason my home was broken.

[Anonymous]

In my parent's case there were mistakes on both sides. However, it was obvious that my dad was cheating while they were in separate bedrooms in the same house (and possibly when they shared a bedroom). My mom never told us details and always encouraged us to have a good relationship with our dad. My relationship with my dad was always difficult until I was married with a young child and finally we had the talk and he admitted that he made mistakes in his relationship with my mom and didn't handle things well. Here is the thing, for me to move forward and not hold resentment and anger I had to be able to recognize that someone can love you as a parent but be an imperfect person and make bad choices/mistakes in how they handle things. I had to be old enough to not have my parents as the sole authority and have enough experience in my own relationships to be in a place to understand it.

[Anonymous]

why do guys even cheat??? it's the dumbest move a guy can make. They are so duped by women who just want to milk them dry then they move on to the next bozo.

[Anonymous]

Sandcastles Book on divorce, read it

[Anonymous]

OP I am sympathetic. Child of a cheater and married a cheater. Two divorces because of it.

My mom made the mistake of oversharing, being critical, trying to get us to join her in her hate of my dad. Not good for us. It actually alienated us from my mom.

All your child needs to hear is that both his parents are wonderful people. Your child takes 50% of their identity from both parents. Let him believe his dad is good. Do you want them to internalize that their dad didn't love them enough to not cheat and not raid their college fund???

If you feel you must tell, write them a letter to be delivered when they are 30 or you die or something. a letter you can decide to NOT send later if you change your mind.

Meanwhile, sue that SOB for stealing marital assets and squandering them on other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In my parent's case there were mistakes on both sides. However, it was obvious that my dad was cheating while they were in separate bedrooms in the same house (and possibly when they shared a bedroom). My mom never told us details and always encouraged us to have a good relationship with our dad. My relationship with my dad was always difficult until I was married with a young child and finally we had the talk and he admitted that he made mistakes in his relationship with my mom and didn't handle things well. Here is the thing, for me to move forward and not hold resentment and anger I had to be able to recognize that someone can love you as a parent but be an imperfect person and make bad choices/mistakes in how they handle things. I had to be old enough to not have my parents as the sole authority and have enough experience in my own relationships to be in a place to understand it.

This experience is similar mine. My mom had seething anger over my dad's affair and didn't hide it. She would tell me in a passive aggressive way what an ass my dad was, and it made me feel like I was an ass because I was his son. It also took me becoming an adult and being in a marriage to realize my parents are good but flawed people, like everyone else in this world. So I have forgiven both of them, but I would echo the advice here that if you really love your kids, you save them from the reasons for the divorce.

If you want to do right by your kids, have your ex agree to replenish the college accounts as a stipulation of the divorce settlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

I totally agree the OP needs to get professional advice on this because it is crucially important. But, as an adult child of divorce where there was an affair with my parent's marriage, I am surprise you got professional advice to spill the affair to your kids (what you said was cryptic but obvious and I don't mean to be insulting, but it seems passive aggressive and begs the question of "what promise did dad break?) I absolutely loathed when my mom would feel the need to tell me it was my dad's cheating that wrecked the marriage. It made me cringe so deeply to be dragged into their bullshit, I eventually would just walk out of the house when she brought it up (I moved out on my own when I was 17 to avoid them).

Thing is, I have no idea why my dad cheated, and as an adult who is now married I know affairs don't happen in a vacuum. But I know my dad remained a great dad after the divorce, and how I hated my mom for burning into my head that he was the reason my home was broken.

I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but I listened to multiple experts and followed their advice exactly.

It's worked out well, and my kids don't seem to have your issues. No one here acts like your mother. And my children are not moving out of the house - I highly doubt you moved out at 17 just because of your parents' divorce. I'm sure that other factors were at play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

This is terrible advice. If used in situation with cheating wife she would say husband caused cheating by breaking his promise first by being controlling or whatever and it would devolve into he said she said. Affairs don't happen in a vacuum and women get a pass more often in our society because they say the husband drove them to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

This is terrible advice. If used in situation with cheating wife she would say husband caused cheating by breaking his promise first by being controlling or whatever and it would devolve into he said she said. Affairs don't happen in a vacuum and women get a pass more often in our society because they say the husband drove them to it.

Yeah, that's exactly what she said about me to justify her affair.

[Anonymous]

"Kids, guess what? You're going to have a new mommy!!!"