Divorcing : what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

Soon to be ex spent college savings and more on other woman. Boys just know we have separated. Father still shows up for soccer games and they think he is the best thing on earth. No idea the situation he's created. When do children of divorced parents find out about cheating spouses and no money for college, not to mention not sure how current living situation will settle out. Do you always protect the children from knowing? Forever? Just say: Ed can't do that anymore. Sorry, no travel team, etc? If you've livedc through this as s kid, what worked best for you?

[Anonymous]

We^ not Ed

[Anonymous]

It depends. How old are they? Do you think they will find out about the affair on their own? Is the dad still with the OW?

Definitely the lack of college funds should not come as a surprise. If your oldest is over 15 or so, he should be guided towards realistic expectations.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry.

How old are your kids?

With regard to college, the vast majority of parents (married or not) have little or nothing saved, and the kids take out loans or get scholarships, or pursue less expensive options. I don't think you should tell your kids "dad spent your college money", but I think when the time comes (once they are in high school), you do tell them that there is no money saved, and you help them navigate their choices based on that.

As far as your current living situation, I think it's reasonable to tell them that you can no longer afford to do XYZ. Again, many parents (married or not) face this situation, either because of job loss, unexpected expense, medical issues, etc.

I think it's far better to teach kids to live within their means than to try to maintain their old standard of living while you go into debt.

But, I would not bad mouth your ex to your kids, including "daddy spent your college savings", or "daddy wants to be with someone else, so we have to live in separate houses". That's probably very difficult because it's not fair that their lives are changing, and you want to put the blame where it is due.

If you need vindication, know that one day, they will put two and two together.

Again, I'm very sorry. You'll get through this.

[Anonymous]

Well, we just told the kids we were breaking up and they said "like divorce?' and we agreed. We listed all the things that would stay the same, and then explained what would be different. They were happy because we fought a lot and weren't happy together.

Don't tell them what their father has done until they're college aged.

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom and they divorced. My dad is still with OW 20 years later. My mom viscously bad mouthed my dad for years. I got to the point to where I couldn't stand being around her. I rarely see either one anymore, they are toxic to me.

Do NOT bad mouth their father. It will backfire, if you don't believe me as any therapist.

[Anonymous]

It really depends, OP. Personally, I was not told about the affair and learned of it myself several years after the divorce. I betrayed, manipulated, and disillusioned because I certainly would not have had a friendly relationship with my mom's boyfriend had I known how badly they chose to treat my father.

But there are definitely plenty of people who would rather not know. So as for your kids, I don't think anyone can give you a real answer.

[Anonymous]

OP, really think about whether they're likely to find out on their own. It might be better for them to hear the truth from you. You shouldn't be vicious, dwell on this with them, or emotionally vent to your children. But a simple and clear statement of the facts may be easier for them to deal with in the long run.

[Anonymous]

A friend is going through this. Her ex is a total sleaze, now married to the OW (the most recent OW in a long line of affairs). OW/Stepmother and ExH spend lots of time and $ trying to buy the kids' love and loyalty with gifts and trips and treats. There are basically no rules at the Ex's house.

My friend gets a load of grief from her kids about "you never let me do ___." It is so frustrating. She is doing the right thing, though, and taking the high road - she's staying quiet and just going to let her kids get old enough that they can add it up for themselves. They will figure it all out in due time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad cheated on my mom and they divorced. My dad is still with OW 20 years later. My mom viscously bad mouthed my dad for years. I got to the point to where I couldn't stand being around her. I rarely see either one anymore, they are toxic to me.

Do NOT bad mouth their father. It will backfire, if you don't believe me as any therapist.

+1.
Do not involve your kids in your sex life. He cheated on you. Is it ok for him to respond to your kids by saying the reason for the affair was mom was frigid? Just no. They are yours and his children. They are not your friends or therapist. They will learn what they need to learn. I am sorry you are hurting but trust me, as a child of divorce do NOT bad mouth their dad to them

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. This is a real nightmare for you, and I feel for your boys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really depends, OP. Personally, I was not told about the affair and learned of it myself several years after the divorce. I betrayed, manipulated, and disillusioned because I certainly would not have had a friendly relationship with my mom's boyfriend had I known how badly they chose to treat my father.

But there are definitely plenty of people who would rather not know. So as for your kids, I don't think anyone can give you a real answer.

But I bet you only felt that way because you were old enough to understand how they treated your father. When you were younger, that would have been over your head.

[Anonymous]

When they ask about college, it would be so tempting to just say, "You need to ask your father about that."

That's not right though.

What you should do is get that piece spelled out in the divorce/custody decree. If he actually spent all their college funds, he either needs to replace the money (perhaps through child support payments) over time or be totally responsible for financing their college education. (However, even if it was decreed that he support college fund - have some money set aside if you can)

As far as what you should tell them about the circumstances of the divorce - you tell them nothing. They don't need to know and you won't win a prize for destroying their illusions about their father. When my kids have asked why I am not married to their father anymore, I just told them some times marriages just don't work out (they are 6). Just find an age appropriate way to answer the question but to be vague.

As difficult as it might be, focus on supporting a healthy relationship between your children and their father - regardless of what he did to you and your family - an intact child-father relationship is important to their well-being. And focus on your own healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends, OP. Personally, I was not told about the affair and learned of it myself several years after the divorce. I betrayed, manipulated, and disillusioned because I certainly would not have had a friendly relationship with my mom's boyfriend had I known how badly they chose to treat my father.

But there are definitely plenty of people who would rather not know. So as for your kids, I don't think anyone can give you a real answer.

But I bet you only felt that way because you were old enough to understand how they treated your father. When you were younger, that would have been over your head.

Well yeah. But the OP hasn't said how old her kids are. Like I said, there isn't a clear answer for every kid. I'm just saying, it might be less traumatic in the long run if they hear the truth from a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really depends, OP. Personally, I was not told about the affair and learned of it myself several years after the divorce. I betrayed, manipulated, and disillusioned because I certainly would not have had a friendly relationship with my mom's boyfriend had I known how badly they chose to treat my father.

But there are definitely plenty of people who would rather not know. So as for your kids, I don't think anyone can give you a real answer.

But I bet you only felt that way because you were old enough to understand how they treated your father. When you were younger, that would have been over your head.

Well yeah. But the OP hasn't said how old her kids are. Like I said, there isn't a clear answer for every kid. I'm just saying, it might be less traumatic in the long run if they hear the truth from a parent.

I don't think it's ever less traumatic.