Divorcing : what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

I totally agree the OP needs to get professional advice on this because it is crucially important. But, as an adult child of divorce where there was an affair with my parent's marriage, I am surprise you got professional advice to spill the affair to your kids (what you said was cryptic but obvious and I don't mean to be insulting, but it seems passive aggressive and begs the question of "what promise did dad break?) I absolutely loathed when my mom would feel the need to tell me it was my dad's cheating that wrecked the marriage. It made me cringe so deeply to be dragged into their bullshit, I eventually would just walk out of the house when she brought it up (I moved out on my own when I was 17 to avoid them).

Thing is, I have no idea why my dad cheated, and as an adult who is now married I know affairs don't happen in a vacuum. But I know my dad remained a great dad after the divorce, and how I hated my mom for burning into my head that he was the reason my home was broken.

Maybe but anyone who would hurt and betray my mom, ain't "great."

Even/ESPECIALLY if it's my Dad.

So you still are missing something. You are still in denial of what your Dad did to you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

I totally agree the OP needs to get professional advice on this because it is crucially important. But, as an adult child of divorce where there was an affair with my parent's marriage, I am surprise you got professional advice to spill the affair to your kids (what you said was cryptic but obvious and I don't mean to be insulting, but it seems passive aggressive and begs the question of "what promise did dad break?) I absolutely loathed when my mom would feel the need to tell me it was my dad's cheating that wrecked the marriage. It made me cringe so deeply to be dragged into their bullshit, I eventually would just walk out of the house when she brought it up (I moved out on my own when I was 17 to avoid them).

Thing is, I have no idea why my dad cheated, and as an adult who is now married I know affairs don't happen in a vacuum. But I know my dad remained a great dad after the divorce, and how I hated my mom for burning into my head that he was the reason my home was broken.

Maybe but anyone who would hurt and betray my mom, ain't "great."

Even/ESPECIALLY if it's my Dad.

So you still are missing something. You are still in denial of what your Dad did to you and your mom.

Exactly. This is the sort of fairy tale craziness that was going on for a while in the 1990s - don't tell your children the truth. Don't tell them the obvious. Don't explain why their "perfect family" imploded one day.

The awful and sad thing is that children know the truth. They are not dumb. They overhear things, and they observe things, and they know when something awful has happened in their family. And when they ask their parents why their family blew up, and why they got divorced, and their parents don't tell them, they lose their faith in adults, and in the truth. They can no longer trust their guts. They can't trust their instincts. And they are damaged behind believe. And so this is why experts today advise to tell children some version of the truth that is age appropriate.

This poster above ran away/moved out of her home as a teenager. There is more going on here than a divorce. Her anger at her mother is palpable, and I have to wonder what her OWN marriage history is. I feel terribly sorry for her, but I don't think she's being honest and telling the whole story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to the experts about it and stop getting advice here. This is too important.

I told my children the standard, "when parents get married they make promises to each other, and your father broke those promises" line.

I was given this line by several psychologists, and it worked well. It gave my children enough information, accurately and truthfully, without letting them know how terrible their father really is.

It also helped them to stand up for themselves with him several times.

This was a long time ago, and they are both doing well and thriving.

I totally agree the OP needs to get professional advice on this because it is crucially important. But, as an adult child of divorce where there was an affair with my parent's marriage, I am surprise you got professional advice to spill the affair to your kids (what you said was cryptic but obvious and I don't mean to be insulting, but it seems passive aggressive and begs the question of "what promise did dad break?) I absolutely loathed when my mom would feel the need to tell me it was my dad's cheating that wrecked the marriage. It made me cringe so deeply to be dragged into their bullshit, I eventually would just walk out of the house when she brought it up (I moved out on my own when I was 17 to avoid them).

Thing is, I have no idea why my dad cheated, and as an adult who is now married I know affairs don't happen in a vacuum. But I know my dad remained a great dad after the divorce, and how I hated my mom for burning into my head that he was the reason my home was broken.

Maybe but anyone who would hurt and betray my mom, ain't "great."

Even/ESPECIALLY if it's my Dad.

So you still are missing something. You are still in denial of what your Dad did to you and your mom.

Exactly. This is the sort of fairy tale craziness that was going on for a while in the 1990s - don't tell your children the truth. Don't tell them the obvious. Don't explain why their "perfect family" imploded one day.

The awful and sad thing is that children know the truth. They are not dumb. They overhear things, and they observe things, and they know when something awful has happened in their family. And when they ask their parents why their family blew up, and why they got divorced, and their parents don't tell them, they lose their faith in adults, and in the truth. They can no longer trust their guts. They can't trust their instincts. And they are damaged behind believe. And so this is why experts today advise to tell children some version of the truth that is age appropriate.

This poster above ran away/moved out of her home as a teenager. There is more going on here than a divorce. Her anger at her mother is palpable, and I have to wonder what her OWN marriage history is. I feel terribly sorry for her, but I don't think she's being honest and telling the whole story.

I am the poster you are quoting. I won't get into it, since there are obvious subtleties to every situation. And I researched whether to tell the kids "the truth" and it does appear, in general, that psychs recommend some version of age appropriate truth, so I stand corrected to some degree.

What I still believe and I am adamant about is that you do not badmouth one parent in front of the other. It is toxic. Perhaps I shouldn't have, but I took it personally when mom trashed dad.

FWIW, I am professionally successful, married with kids, in a good marriage so I think I turned out fine, kids are resilient and all that (and moving out young forces you to be independent). But I rarely speak to my parents, they still hate each other and I can't stand being around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, we just told the kids we were breaking up and they said "like divorce?' and we agreed. We listed all the things that would stay the same, and then explained what would be different. They were happy because we fought a lot and weren't happy together.

Don't tell them what their father has done until they're college aged.

Unless they explicitly ask, I wouldn't tell them even then. No matter how old children are, it is never appropriate to badmouth their other parent to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Soon to be ex spent college savings and more on other woman. Boys just know we have separated. Father still shows up for soccer games and they think he is the best thing on earth. No idea the situation he's created. When do children of divorced parents find out about cheating spouses and no money for college, not to mention not sure how current living situation will settle out. Do you always protect the children from knowing? Forever? Just say: Ed can't do that anymore. Sorry, no travel team, etc? If you've livedc through this as s kid, what worked best for you?

I'm the PP that mentioned my relationship didn't get better with my dad until he owned up (without getting into details) to some of his mistakes and why when I was an adult.

I think there are two separate issues. One, is you are dealing with anger, resentment, and the unfairness of the situation and then there is the question of how to go forward being the best parent to your children. Understand the best outcome is for your children to love their dad just as much as the love you and no it's not fair that he betrayed your wedding vows and was financially irresponsible but gets forgiven if they know/find out down the line. It feels like he had no consequences for his actions while you bear the consequences. So you have to get to the point where you can make peace with that part of the unfairness and maybe that is individual therapy (yes, he makes the mistakes but you may be the one in therapy...)

But the other side of this is that you shouldn't have to cover up for your ex. You don't bad mouth him. You don't blame him. The key is HE needs to own up in an age appropriate way. Maybe he doesn't even know why. I am going on the hope that he isn't a total douche and is actually committed to being a good father. He should want better for his kids than he wants for himself. He should want the kids to trust their judgement about relationships when they are old enough and not want them to cheat as a way of dealing/not dealing with things or picking someone that might be a poor romantic partner because of the many reasons people choose poorly (not wanting to get attached to anyone, abandonment, lack of self-esteem). The issue with the money and financial responsibility is something else. How does he teach the kids? Basically he has to be willing to get to the root of his demons and do better for the kids. When they are old enough be able to admit that he made mistakes, he struggled, but has striven to do better and hopefully have them not have to repeat his struggles. People talk about couples counseling and individual therapy even if you may spit up and this is why. You guys have to still co-parent together. The bottom line is if you get pushed in the corner, don't trash the ex, go with we all make mistakes and try to grow from them. We both love you guys and are trying to do our best. Encourage your ex to have a good relationship with the kids and be in a place to do better by them but ultimately he has to be responsible for his relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, we just told the kids we were breaking up and they said "like divorce?' and we agreed. We listed all the things that would stay the same, and then explained what would be different. They were happy because we fought a lot and weren't happy together.

Don't tell them what their father has done until they're college aged.

Unless they explicitly ask, I wouldn't tell them even then. No matter how old children are, it is never appropriate to badmouth their other parent to them.

I think there is a difference between telling the truth and badmouthing:

Your dad made some bad choices that were hurtful to me and we couldn't stay married, but we will always love you and always be a family.

vs

That lying POS was the worst thing that every happened to me, that loser whore got what she deserved when she hooked up with him.

As my therapist explained it, when you give kids a fake version of events that completely sanitizes the situation, it doesn't allow them to process their emotions and can lead them to blame themselves for this secret thing that happened that they don't really understand.

[Anonymous]

I went with a very minimalist approach. We didn't give specifics (although he cheated) and just said that we loved them and that families come in different shapes and sizes. Also got them age appropriate books about different kind of families and about divorce. They were preschoolers when it happened, so I have time to make up the losses of being a single mom.

Even when my ex fucks up, after the kids ask again what happened (it's been two years and they still ask) and tries to blame me and/or lies, I redirect to the script. We love you, this has nothing to do with you, etc., etc.

I hope that they never find out what he did to me, because it was to me. That is not to mean that I have forgiven him or that I am not resentful, because I am. But to my kids, he's the best thing since sliced bread, and I will not be the one to crush that illusion. He is a good dad, but he was a fucking asshole to me in the separation trying to cover his affair. And I will never forget that. We co-parent okay, and for the most part things run smoothly between us because I have kept it strictly about the kids.

I don't know what would happen if I am put in the situation of having to spend time with OW, since it hasn't happened yet. He has been wise enough, I think, to avoid that situation.

For now, search for age appropriate ways to tell them, get a therapist and don't bad mouth him to the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, we just told the kids we were breaking up and they said "like divorce?' and we agreed. We listed all the things that would stay the same, and then explained what would be different. They were happy because we fought a lot and weren't happy together.

Don't tell them what their father has done until they're college aged.

Unless they explicitly ask, I wouldn't tell them even then. No matter how old children are, it is never appropriate to badmouth their other parent to them.

I think there is a difference between telling the truth and badmouthing:

Your dad made some bad choices that were hurtful to me and we couldn't stay married, but we will always love you and always be a family.

vs

That lying POS was the worst thing that every happened to me, that loser whore got what she deserved when she hooked up with him.

As my therapist explained it, when you give kids a fake version of events that completely sanitizes the situation, it doesn't allow them to process their emotions and can lead them to blame themselves for this secret thing that happened that they don't really understand.

I have a parent who cheated and is now married to the OW, and I'm glad I know. If I didn't, I would have a really tough time making sense of our greater family dynamic. When I finally found out, it was a big relief to finally have things out in the open. I would resent it if either parent kept me in the dark now that I am an adult. When I was younger, the story was kept from me not to protect me, but to cause me to be more cooperative and accept the OW into my life for the convenience of the adults. That is very manipulative and I resent my parents for doing so. I found out on my own and was livid at all of them for a long time.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of anger here among the (presumably) adult children of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of anger here among the (presumably) adult children of divorce.

I noticed that too. There will never be a "right" way to tell the child(ren). OP, just do what you think works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of anger here among the (presumably) adult children of divorce.

Believe it. I still think about it occasionally, both parents went on to marriages (not happier), new babies, split holidays, inheritances hidden from existing children, one parent died, love all involved but believe plenty of messed up memories. That's my tale, my 40ish friends with similar far more dramatic children of divorce stories. Most if us still on our first marriages.