Divorcing : what to tell kids?

[Anonymous]

"You'll understand when you grow up." Like a broken record.

[Anonymous]

I told DD, "DD, Daddy and I have decided that we are not going to be married to each other anymore. We will live in separate houses now, and both houses will be your house too. Some days will be Mommy Days and some days will be Daddy Days."

She was 2, and that answer was enough for her. She has since had some questions about scheduling because she's old enough to understand a schedule, but in the 4 years or so since that conversation, I've found that the only times when "HOW DO I EXPLAIN IT TO DD" comes up is when I personally am feeling angry, lonely, sad, hurt, etc. It almost always has nothing to do with DD herself.

[Anonymous]

My dad cheated on my mom and was financially irresponsible. My mom told me everything. I was 11. Please don't do this.

[Anonymous]

I didn't find out about my dad's infidelities until I was in my 30"s. I know my mom knew but never knew how bad it actually was. My mom never told us. We actually found because there was a lot of putting two and two together once I was grown up enough to see the full picture. My point is you shouldn't tell them. Like in my situation they will most likely see through the BS at some point. I thank my mom for not burdening us with that when we were still young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't find out about my dad's infidelities until I was in my 30"s. I know my mom knew but never knew how bad it actually was. My mom never told us. We actually found because there was a lot of putting two and two together once I was grown up enough to see the full picture. My point is you shouldn't tell them. Like in my situation they will most likely see through the BS at some point. I thank my mom for not burdening us with that when we were still young.

I think this is key: children shouldn't have to be burdened with one parent's failings and the other's anger, pain and bitterness. As they grow older they'll figure it out and when they ask you can answer in an age-appropriate fashion. If you want to tell them to make YOURSELF feel better you need to step back and reconsider your motivations.

[Anonymous]

Dad had an affair when I was little (5-7ish?). Mom stayed with him, but they never worked through the issues. When I was a teenager and my Mom could tell I was getting closer to Dad, she told me about his affair. Made things weird between Dad and me. But the real damage was how it affected my dating life. Don't do this to your children, no matter how much it would make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Have him explain in front of you also why he is leaving the family and will only see them (fill in the blank).

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't bring it up to them, definitely not before they are adults, but if they ask you directly I would not lie. They need to know they have one parent they can trust. Your ex sounds pretty careless, and they might get suspicious.

[Anonymous]

RE college money: tell them while in high school. Let them know that there's not much money for college, so they will need to aim for state schools or hustle for scholarship money. My freshman roommate came from an immigrant family and spent his last two years of high school filling out scholarship apps as if it was his part time job. He had 80% of his undergrad covered (expensive East Coast private university). Parents were able to scrape together the rest for him each year (about $10K), so no debt when he left college.

RE the cheating: wait until they are a bit older (early 20s). Expect that the older one will tell the younger one immediately. At that point, they will have already settled into a relationship with their father on their own terms. They can take that information and do what they want with it. Don't poison the well during their childhood years.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you.

It must feel absolutely freaking awful to have your kids view the person who hurt you and them so badly as awesome.
I feel your pain palpably.

But OP, I agree with the prior posters: Please don't talk to your kids about their father's bad behavior.

Here's why: You'll make them very confused about not being able to trust their own judgment (how could someone they admire so much behave so badly?). In addition to that, since he is part of them, they'll question parts of themselves also.

I'm really sorry OP. If this happened to me I'd have the hardest time in the world doing the right thing. I would go NUTs. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have him explain in front of you also why he is leaving the family and will only see them (fill in the blank).

Seriously, what does this accomplish?

[Anonymous]

The affair and finances are adult issues, no matter how old your kids are. I'm sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The affair and finances are adult issues, no matter how old your kids are. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Ok, but how is OP going to explain that the college fund went poof? If she has told her son there is money, and suddenly there is not, he is likely to ask why. What should she say? OP should not have to lie to her son to cover up his father's misdeeds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The affair and finances are adult issues, no matter how old your kids are. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Ok, but how is OP going to explain that the college fund went poof? If she has told her son there is money, and suddenly there is not, he is likely to ask why. What should she say? OP should not have to lie to her son to cover up his father's misdeeds.

I would say something like "we no longer have that money because of the divorce".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The affair and finances are adult issues, no matter how old your kids are. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Ok, but how is OP going to explain that the college fund went poof? If she has told her son there is money, and suddenly there is not, he is likely to ask why. What should she say? OP should not have to lie to her son to cover up his father's misdeeds.

I would say something like "we no longer have that money because of the divorce".

In most cases this would be true even if the world's greatest dad hadn't blown the college fund on his illicit activities. Divorce is more expensive all around. Maintaining two households means there is less to go around and college savings may be one of the first things to take a hit.