Sleeping with my unfaithful husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the input, everyone. It just seems so incongruous that I want to have sex with someone who has been so horrible to me by having the affair. But I like sex these days and I'll be damned if I slide back into my old low-drive, kind of repressed way just because he was an asshole. It is also bonding us a bit, though, as I mentioned, it makes me sick to think he was with another woman during our marriage. It appears there were actually times when we would have sex in the morning and he would go hook up with her at night - which is totally insane to me. I am going to just go with it for now and stop if it makes me feel wrong. I am trying to work things out because we have two little kids and I think it's worth a shot to see if this is something we can overcome, but I am not blindly thinking that we can just be happy and I know that this might end up being too much for me. I just don't know now.

I found out about his affair because he talked about a certain coworker in a strange manner. So, after a few months, I flat out asked him if he was cheating on me and he admitted it and claimed he had ended it a few weeks before I asked (I know, I know). He appears on the surface to be super remorseful, but I am definitely not just taking him at his word.

You both need couples therapy now. The healing hasn't begun yet and the tone of your post shows that your distrust is actually growing.

OP here - we are in couples therapy. We were in it while he was having the affair, so there's that. I don't think my distrust is growing. I am just trying to not just give in to the impulse to automatically believe everything he says and sweep everything under the rug. That impulse is very strong because I don't want my marriage to break up, but I also am trying to be honest with myself and it is just rational to take things he says with a grain of salt these days when he was lying to me for months during the affair.

[Anonymous]

I think you are doing great OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I had a very active sex life and he had an affair. I did not slow down the sex with him (even though I threw him out).

Really, sex is fun and I was not giving it up like that just because his insecurities had him run to another woman to stroke his ego. (At least until I had a replacement.)

Alas, his OW ended up being a psycho, he came crawling back and we are together.

It is totally normal to like sex and to want to continue having sex with your HUSBAND.

Just curious, why did you take him back? From your post it seems you found a "replacement" when you threw him out.

I realized he was having a nervous breakdown and I cared about his future. I was his support system even during the worst times. He agreed to go to counseling to figure out why he would try to blow up a perfect life. I counted this part of his life "in sickness".

I realize I married an imperfect person (we all are) and most things can be forgiven. The affair was something he did to himself, not something he did to me.

I wanted our kids to have an intact family (though I have many divorced friends that are happy/healthy) I thought it was worth a try.

I did not "find a replacement" but I told him I would stop sleeping with him when I found one. It would not have taken long to find somebody. As soon as he moved out I had multiple requests to go out. My counselor told me to wait at least 6 months before "dating". The whole ordeal was less than 6 months long.

I am not sure what I would do in that situation but I really respect your approach. You weren't a martyr or trying to hold onto someone that didn't want to stay. You were confident of your worth and that you could get someone else but was willing to give the marriage another shot and forgive if he was putting in the effort.

[Anonymous]

I went through something similar, OP, and it is "hysterical" sex, as they say. As betrayed and mistrustful and angry as I was, we had frequent very intense sex in the early phase after I found out about his deceptions and unfaithfulness. He confessed to me without me asking, and his issues were complex and had been going on for a long time.

The intense hysterical sex phase calms down after a while, but if you are comfortable separating sex from the emotional process, it serves as a positive, comforting bond between you as you work through the painful parts of the broken trust, issues involved, and trying to figure out how and whether to rebuild the emotional relationship.

I found that as much as I wished I didn't, I did still love him. He was and is remorseful and is working very hard in his therapy to make major changes. I couldn't be here without him doing this work.

I take it day by day. You will find you have stages of emotions to go through, not all that different from the stages of grief, in a way. And it takes a long time to work on rebuilding trust, as well as to let the anger and hurt out of your system so you can move forward. Why give up the amazing consolation of sex, in the meantime? I agree, OP.

[Anonymous]

The "hysterical sex" thing sounds a little like the kid who ignores the toy for awhile but then discovers she is really interested in it when she discovers another kid wants to play with the toy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair, which I figured out about a month ago. We have been dealing with it and I have run the gamut of emotions. Most of the time, I think I will try to work through it. He swears it is over now and I had both of us tested for STDs (thankfully, negative). Sometimes, however, I just want to run away or kick him out. It's obviously still very early after the discovery, though I suspected the affair for months before he admitted it.

For some bizarre reason, I am still having sex with him. We have had a good sex life throughout the last couple of years of our marriage and even during the affair, and I don't want to give that up because my sex drive was really low for a long time and I really appreciate having it back. There is also probably some sort of bonding / connection with the sex. It's a familiar thing that is oddly comforting.

Is it crazy that I don't want to stop sleeping with him? One unfortunate side effect of the affair is that I will get a mental image of him with the other woman while we are in the act sometimes and it is really, really disturbing. Will I be totally horrified by my behavior later on - like where is my integrity and self respect? I've already lost so much and I don't want to lose sex too (full disclosure, he is very skilled in that department - I feel pretty sleazy even writing this!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "hysterical sex" thing sounds a little like the kid who ignores the toy for awhile but then discovers she is really interested in it when she discovers another kid wants to play with the toy.

OP here. The thing is, we were having very regular and good sex while the affair was going on. We were having actual sex at least four times a week plus additional fooling around, and I am actually very sexually open and willing to expand my horizons so to speak because I was super excited to get my sex drive back after it being AWOL for a bit. So I was very willing to try whatever new things he suggested and I also had new things I wanted to do and that he seemed very happy about (maybe this is TMI for this forum, but I suggested new positions, wore sexy outfits that went along with whatever fantasy he would mention, sent him risque pictures, etc.). And the thing is, I WANTED to do that for him and for me because I was really enjoying it. That's one of the things that really bothers me, actually. That I have been going through this kind of sexual renaissance for the past couple of years and he is getting probably the best sex of our relationship and that I don't want to lose steam and feel defeated and go back to my old low drive self. I am also in the best shape of our relationship so I feel much less self-conscious than before.

Also, as I mentioned, it really bothers me that he would have sex with me and be intimate with the other woman on the same day. It's not like he was deprived at home. At all. So it's not like I was ignoring a toy until someone was using it. I was using it all of the time already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair, which I figured out about a month ago. We have been dealing with it and I have run the gamut of emotions. Most of the time, I think I will try to work through it. He swears it is over now and I had both of us tested for STDs (thankfully, negative). Sometimes, however, I just want to run away or kick him out. It's obviously still very early after the discovery, though I suspected the affair for months before he admitted it.

For some bizarre reason, I am still having sex with him. We have had a good sex life throughout the last couple of years of our marriage and even during the affair, and I don't want to give that up because my sex drive was really low for a long time and I really appreciate having it back. There is also probably some sort of bonding / connection with the sex. It's a familiar thing that is oddly comforting.

Is it crazy that I don't want to stop sleeping with him? One unfortunate side effect of the affair is that I will get a mental image of him with the other woman while we are in the act sometimes and it is really, really disturbing. Will I be totally horrified by my behavior later on - like where is my integrity and self respect? I've already lost so much and I don't want to lose sex too (full disclosure, he is very skilled in that department - I feel pretty sleazy even writing this!).

And this is what I'm worried about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "hysterical sex" thing sounds a little like the kid who ignores the toy for awhile but then discovers she is really interested in it when she discovers another kid wants to play with the toy.

OP here. The thing is, we were having very regular and good sex while the affair was going on. We were having actual sex at least four times a week plus additional fooling around, and I am actually very sexually open and willing to expand my horizons so to speak because I was super excited to get my sex drive back after it being AWOL for a bit. So I was very willing to try whatever new things he suggested and I also had new things I wanted to do and that he seemed very happy about (maybe this is TMI for this forum, but I suggested new positions, wore sexy outfits that went along with whatever fantasy he would mention, sent him risque pictures, etc.). And the thing is, I WANTED to do that for him and for me because I was really enjoying it. That's one of the things that really bothers me, actually. That I have been going through this kind of sexual renaissance for the past couple of years and he is getting probably the best sex of our relationship and that I don't want to lose steam and feel defeated and go back to my old low drive self. I am also in the best shape of our relationship so I feel much less self-conscious than before.

Also, as I mentioned, it really bothers me that he would have sex with me and be intimate with the other woman on the same day. It's not like he was deprived at home. At all. So it's not like I was ignoring a toy until someone was using it. I was using it all of the time already.

How long was the sex drive AWOL? Did your renaissance have any correlation with the beginning of his affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair, which I figured out about a month ago. We have been dealing with it and I have run the gamut of emotions. Most of the time, I think I will try to work through it. He swears it is over now and I had both of us tested for STDs (thankfully, negative). Sometimes, however, I just want to run away or kick him out. It's obviously still very early after the discovery, though I suspected the affair for months before he admitted it.

For some bizarre reason, I am still having sex with him. We have had a good sex life throughout the last couple of years of our marriage and even during the affair, and I don't want to give that up because my sex drive was really low for a long time and I really appreciate having it back. There is also probably some sort of bonding / connection with the sex. It's a familiar thing that is oddly comforting.

Is it crazy that I don't want to stop sleeping with him? One unfortunate side effect of the affair is that I will get a mental image of him with the other woman while we are in the act sometimes and it is really, really disturbing. Will I be totally horrified by my behavior later on - like where is my integrity and self respect? I've already lost so much and I don't want to lose sex too (full disclosure, he is very skilled in that department - I feel pretty sleazy even writing this!).

And this is what I'm worried about.

OP, ignore these people shaming you towards divorce. They are either bitterly divorced and want you to be miserable too or they have an irrational fear of infidelity and try to deflate that by equating cheating = ultimate evil.

You sound like you are doing great under the circumstances. My DW cheated on me early in our relationship. We worked past it and we are very happy now. She is human, she had an affair. Infidelity is so common because monogamy is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hysterical bonding. Total normal.

Www.survivinginfidelity.com

Is it the same person who keeps posting this website in every thread related to infidelity, or has this become a thing now? I checked the site, it doesn't seem too groundbreaking and it has a cult-ish feel to it, a bit over the top. Maybe it's just not my style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair, which I figured out about a month ago. We have been dealing with it and I have run the gamut of emotions. Most of the time, I think I will try to work through it. He swears it is over now and I had both of us tested for STDs (thankfully, negative). Sometimes, however, I just want to run away or kick him out. It's obviously still very early after the discovery, though I suspected the affair for months before he admitted it.

For some bizarre reason, I am still having sex with him. We have had a good sex life throughout the last couple of years of our marriage and even during the affair, and I don't want to give that up because my sex drive was really low for a long time and I really appreciate having it back. There is also probably some sort of bonding / connection with the sex. It's a familiar thing that is oddly comforting.

Is it crazy that I don't want to stop sleeping with him? One unfortunate side effect of the affair is that I will get a mental image of him with the other woman while we are in the act sometimes and it is really, really disturbing. Will I be totally horrified by my behavior later on - like where is my integrity and self respect? I've already lost so much and I don't want to lose sex too (full disclosure, he is very skilled in that department - I feel pretty sleazy even writing this!).

Are you of the belief that sex is something that a man "does" to a woman? That she "gives it up" to him? That's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair, which I figured out about a month ago. We have been dealing with it and I have run the gamut of emotions. Most of the time, I think I will try to work through it. He swears it is over now and I had both of us tested for STDs (thankfully, negative). Sometimes, however, I just want to run away or kick him out. It's obviously still very early after the discovery, though I suspected the affair for months before he admitted it.

For some bizarre reason, I am still having sex with him. We have had a good sex life throughout the last couple of years of our marriage and even during the affair, and I don't want to give that up because my sex drive was really low for a long time and I really appreciate having it back. There is also probably some sort of bonding / connection with the sex. It's a familiar thing that is oddly comforting.

Is it crazy that I don't want to stop sleeping with him? One unfortunate side effect of the affair is that I will get a mental image of him with the other woman while we are in the act sometimes and it is really, really disturbing. Will I be totally horrified by my behavior later on - like where is my integrity and self respect? I've already lost so much and I don't want to lose sex too (full disclosure, he is very skilled in that department - I feel pretty sleazy even writing this!).

Are you of the belief that sex is something that a man "does" to a woman? That she "gives it up" to him? That's sad.

let's not be so dense. what's sad is that she knows her husband has cheated and yet she's sleeping with him - so what's the real message here? Go fuck around behind my back with at least one other woman, and even though I know about it, I'll still fuck you too? There's not exactly a lot of self-respect there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband had an affair, which I figured out about a month ago. We have been dealing with it and I have run the gamut of emotions. Most of the time, I think I will try to work through it. He swears it is over now and I had both of us tested for STDs (thankfully, negative). Sometimes, however, I just want to run away or kick him out. It's obviously still very early after the discovery, though I suspected the affair for months before he admitted it.

For some bizarre reason, I am still having sex with him. We have had a good sex life throughout the last couple of years of our marriage and even during the affair, and I don't want to give that up because my sex drive was really low for a long time and I really appreciate having it back. There is also probably some sort of bonding / connection with the sex. It's a familiar thing that is oddly comforting.

Is it crazy that I don't want to stop sleeping with him? One unfortunate side effect of the affair is that I will get a mental image of him with the other woman while we are in the act sometimes and it is really, really disturbing. Will I be totally horrified by my behavior later on - like where is my integrity and self respect? I've already lost so much and I don't want to lose sex too (full disclosure, he is very skilled in that department - I feel pretty sleazy even writing this!).

Are you of the belief that sex is something that a man "does" to a woman? That she "gives it up" to him? That's sad.

let's not be so dense. what's sad is that she knows her husband has cheated and yet she's sleeping with him - so what's the real message here? Go fuck around behind my back with at least one other woman, and even though I know about it, I'll still fuck you too? There's not exactly a lot of self-respect there.

She wants to have sex with him, she not forcing herself to. She's getting something out of it, not lying back and thinking of England. Her self-respect is firmly intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She wants to have sex with him, she not forcing herself to. She's getting something out of it, not lying back and thinking of England. Her self-respect is firmly intact.

sure, keep telling yourself that if that let's you sleep at night