Sleeping with my unfaithful husband

[Anonymous]

I experienced this too. I just figured, it is fine for me to do whatever I need/want to do, while I sort out whether to stay or go. I ultimately stayed, it's been 5+ years, I have no regrets. But I could also have divorced and I might still if I choose to. Put yourself first as #1 right now and don't worry about what other people think. It's your marraige.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H and I had a very active sex life and he had an affair. I did not slow down the sex with him (even though I threw him out).

Really, sex is fun and I was not giving it up like that just because his insecurities had him run to another woman to stroke his ego. (At least until I had a replacement.)

Alas, his OW ended up being a psycho, he came crawling back and we are together.

It is totally normal to like sex and to want to continue having sex with your HUSBAND.

Just curious, why did you take him back? From your post it seems you found a "replacement" when you threw him out.

I realized he was having a nervous breakdown and I cared about his future. I was his support system even during the worst times. He agreed to go to counseling to figure out why he would try to blow up a perfect life. I counted this part of his life "in sickness".

I realize I married an imperfect person (we all are) and most things can be forgiven. The affair was something he did to himself, not something he did to me.

I wanted our kids to have an intact family (though I have many divorced friends that are happy/healthy) I thought it was worth a try.

I did not "find a replacement" but I told him I would stop sleeping with him when I found one. It would not have taken long to find somebody. As soon as he moved out I had multiple requests to go out. My counselor told me to wait at least 6 months before "dating". The whole ordeal was less than 6 months long.

very mature outlook

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "hysterical sex" thing sounds a little like the kid who ignores the toy for awhile but then discovers she is really interested in it when she discovers another kid wants to play with the toy.

OP here. The thing is, we were having very regular and good sex while the affair was going on. We were having actual sex at least four times a week plus additional fooling around, and I am actually very sexually open and willing to expand my horizons so to speak because I was super excited to get my sex drive back after it being AWOL for a bit. So I was very willing to try whatever new things he suggested and I also had new things I wanted to do and that he seemed very happy about (maybe this is TMI for this forum, but I suggested new positions, wore sexy outfits that went along with whatever fantasy he would mention, sent him risque pictures, etc.). And the thing is, I WANTED to do that for him and for me because I was really enjoying it. That's one of the things that really bothers me, actually. That I have been going through this kind of sexual renaissance for the past couple of years and he is getting probably the best sex of our relationship and that I don't want to lose steam and feel defeated and go back to my old low drive self. I am also in the best shape of our relationship so I feel much less self-conscious than before.

Also, as I mentioned, it really bothers me that he would have sex with me and be intimate with the other woman on the same day. It's not like he was deprived at home. At all. So it's not like I was ignoring a toy until someone was using it. I was using it all of the time already.

Until and unless he truly discovers and discusses what happened during the affair, I think your non-judgmental attitude is very appropriate. Did he disclose how and why the affair ended? That would tell a lot about the situation and your options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She wants to have sex with him, she not forcing herself to. She's getting something out of it, not lying back and thinking of England. Her self-respect is firmly intact.

sure, keep telling yourself that if that let's you sleep at night

OP here - PP is right, I do want to have sex with him on a purely physical level but I also think there's an emotional component too. I am definitely not doing it for him. It is for me.

For the PP who asked how long my sex drive was AWOL and if it correlated to the affair, there were a couple of years after I had the first kid where we had a serious drought of sex maybe twice a month and I was not really into it and was just doing it for him. That ended, however, a couple of years ago and the affair started this past January, so I thought we had overcome that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The "hysterical sex" thing sounds a little like the kid who ignores the toy for awhile but then discovers she is really interested in it when she discovers another kid wants to play with the toy.

OP here. The thing is, we were having very regular and good sex while the affair was going on. We were having actual sex at least four times a week plus additional fooling around, and I am actually very sexually open and willing to expand my horizons so to speak because I was super excited to get my sex drive back after it being AWOL for a bit. So I was very willing to try whatever new things he suggested and I also had new things I wanted to do and that he seemed very happy about (maybe this is TMI for this forum, but I suggested new positions, wore sexy outfits that went along with whatever fantasy he would mention, sent him risque pictures, etc.). And the thing is, I WANTED to do that for him and for me because I was really enjoying it. That's one of the things that really bothers me, actually. That I have been going through this kind of sexual renaissance for the past couple of years and he is getting probably the best sex of our relationship and that I don't want to lose steam and feel defeated and go back to my old low drive self. I am also in the best shape of our relationship so I feel much less self-conscious than before.

Also, as I mentioned, it really bothers me that he would have sex with me and be intimate with the other woman on the same day. It's not like he was deprived at home. At all. So it's not like I was ignoring a toy until someone was using it. I was using it all of the time already.

Until and unless he truly discovers and discusses what happened during the affair, I think your non-judgmental attitude is very appropriate. Did he disclose how and why the affair ended? That would tell a lot about the situation and your options.

Affair was allegedly winding down in the weeks before I asked him because it was getting too real, as in the other woman was talking about them leaving their respective spouses for each other. He claims that was a wake up call and that he realized he didn't really want to leave me and our family but instead was indulging in some bizarre fantasy world. I do know that his behavior towards me was markedly better / more loving in the weeks before I asked him if he was having an affair and his late nights "working" had ended, so I gess his explanation is plausible.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are doing fine. You sound like you know yourself and respect yourself.
I also don't get how he could have sex with OW the same day as you. Unless he was just operating out of guilt somehow?
If you believe he's generally a good guy who fell into a bad situation, I think you should try to work it out. Might want to consider a different couples counselor, though. It sounds like you have many doubts about your husband and if he was cheating on you while in therapy with you, that doesn't speak well for the effectiveness of the therapy.

[Anonymous]

DH here who had an affair. I ended it on my own, my wife did not find out until I confessed many years later. Even after the pain of finding out, she never cut me off from sex and I am thankful because it did help us to heal and reconnect. Sex is a very important part of the emotional connection for men. But, get good counseling and stay in it until you are whole again. Give it time. I hope he is really sorry for what he did and demonstrates his remorse. Men, even good ones, can be idiots. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My ex had a short affair while on a business trip about 3 months ago. I wanted to forgive him and work on things, but he came back and starting lying, sneaking around, etc. As much as I wanted it to work, the lack of respect and remorse gave me no choice but to end it. He was sneaking around talking with other girls, then coming back to me at the end of the night. My therapist said the "hysterical bonding" phase is perfectly normal - so do what feels right to you. I hope your spouse is showing true remorse. I do think it is possible to work past infidelity, but it is important that both people want to work on things, and you need to make sure you don't let yourself get walked all over like I did. I tried for almost 3 months, but I finally accepted the fact that I was the only one fighting for the relationship.

It is crazy how an incident like this could change someone so drastically pretty much over night. Hopefully, it changes your spouse for the good and you guys can work past it, if that is what both of you want.

[Anonymous]

Most women would feel skeevy for sleeping with their husbands after being betrayed in such a way, but if you continue to enjoy it, then more power to you.

Could it be that the pain hasn't quite soaked in completely?? That perhaps you could still be in shock or even in denial about it?

Does some weird part of you find him more sexually attractive knowing another woman found him so?

Just some food for thought. I appreciate your honesty.

[Anonymous]

OP back again. For the first time, when I had sex with my husband I felt used and demeaned. I did it anyway because I don't want to feel that way and it feels good, physically, but man the feelings were/are intense. We've stayed in counseling and have talked a lot, but he seems focused on what I did wrong in our relationship and doesn't really understand/connect with the enormity of what he's done. That hit home for me this week and this last time made me want to cry. So I think I'm turning some sort of corner, for better or worse. Or maybe it's just temporary. But he knew I was upset and still initiated pretty aggressively, which seems upsetting to me. Maybe this is all really starting to sink in.

This is the absolute worst. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy except perhaps the mistress.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. The thing about cheating is that the enormity of it takes such a long time to sink in. Don't rush yourself.

For now, if you still think that the marriage may be worth saving -- then don't make any drastic decisions.

Most men create a narrative in their heads telling them that they only cheated because their spouse was not meeting their needs. I think they often do this as a way to rationalize their awful behavior. The fact that your husband is still focusing on you as the root cause of the affair is very telling.

Are you getting any individual therapy? That helped me enormously.

Everyone handles infidelity differently. Don't worry about what other people do in your situation. Do what is right for you. No two marriages are the same and no two individuals are the same. My best advice is just to take your time and let your mind and body feel all these changing emotions. You will process them over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. For the first time, when I had sex with my husband I felt used and demeaned. I did it anyway because I don't want to feel that way and it feels good, physically, but man the feelings were/are intense. We've stayed in counseling and have talked a lot, but he seems focused on what I did wrong in our relationship and doesn't really understand/connect with the enormity of what he's done. That hit home for me this week and this last time made me want to cry. So I think I'm turning some sort of corner, for better or worse. Or maybe it's just temporary. But he knew I was upset and still initiated pretty aggressively, which seems upsetting to me. Maybe this is all really starting to sink in.

This is the absolute worst. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy except perhaps the mistress.

sorry op. I have no experience in that realm, but I hope you can continue to work through the issues. especially sorry that he seems so defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. For the first time, when I had sex with my husband I felt used and demeaned. I did it anyway because I don't want to feel that way and it feels good, physically, but man the feelings were/are intense. We've stayed in counseling and have talked a lot, but he seems focused on what I did wrong in our relationship and doesn't really understand/connect with the enormity of what he's done. That hit home for me this week and this last time made me want to cry. So I think I'm turning some sort of corner, for better or worse. Or maybe it's just temporary. But he knew I was upset and still initiated pretty aggressively, which seems upsetting to me. Maybe this is all really starting to sink in.

This is the absolute worst. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy except perhaps the mistress.

DW here, I'm the one who was unfaithful. And DH and I are having more sex now than in a long time. Yes, counseling. Yes, talking. Yes, sex. I think because of all the talking and talking and talking we are doing. So we are trying to connect on that level. I am actually more likely to feel used and demeaned after having sex, though, because our marriage has/had more problems than just simply (not really that simple) infidelity. But we still do it, I'm using sex to satisfy myself.

You don't have to make a decision today, or tomorrow, or whenever. Taking it slow b/c of kids is acceptable and admirable. Good luck. Hang in there, and don't doubt yourself. I find that whatever I feel ... my DH, the aggreived one, really already knows in his gut.

[Anonymous]

You were having adventurous sex four times a week and he still cheated, sometimes having sex with two women in the same day? Whoa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were having adventurous sex four times a week and he still cheated, sometimes having sex with two women in the same day? Whoa.

As has been pointed out many, many times on this board:

Men do NOT cheat because they are sexually unsatisfied. They do NOT cheat because they are unhappy. Every statistic backs this up, but people prefer to believe that there must be some rationale behind cheating. More often than not, that is untrue. Infidelity is a crime of opportunity.