Elder care for my abusive narcissistic mother
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Anonymous
Please educate yourself on how debt works and legally who is responsible. |
Anonymous
| Hire a home care worker for her -and keep your boundaries - |
Anonymous
| So who should take care of her? Should the state take over? Seriously it is not fair to dump this on your siblings. She has dementia. She is dying so the time to be mad is over. |
Anonymous
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What exactly do they want you to do?
Just be clear on what you will and will not do. Say, "I understand it's a lot to deal with. I do want to help. However, there are certain things I cannot do. I will not provide personal care or come take care of mom for weeks. I know you need a break and I'll be happy to help you find a helper to hire if you need to get away, but I cannot do that role myself." You don't have to explain yourself or say why you won't do it. Don't get into arguments about whether your mother was a "good mother" or what is owed to her or whatever. This will just lead to pointless fighting since they have their own feelings on that. Simply keep repeating that you cannot do whatever it is that they want you to do. If they say they are being overwhelmed, say that "I know it is extremely difficult. That is why I suggested mom go into assisted living or home care. I do want to help you. Here is what I can do....can you think of some other way I can help?" If they say the only way you can help is to come out and provide hands on care, say "I cannot do that." Do not listen to people who say "she is dying so the time to be mad is over." You did not "dump this on your siblings." Keep your boundaries and try to help in all the ways you can while still maintaining your own sanity. Keep your eyes open and do not be swayed from the path you know is right. |
Anonymous
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This has been an interesting thread to me. My grandmother was not a nice or good person...I don't know if she was truly narcissistic or abusive, but she was close. My uncle (older than my dad by 8 years) left town as soon as he went to college and never came back. My dad stayed in town and bore the brunt of my grandmother's words and actions throughout his life.
Fast forward to when my gram lived alone with dementia. My parents tried to get her evaluated/some help but it was difficult not only because of her personality but because of laws. Finally my gram punched her hand through a window (thinking people were coming in) and my dad had her taken to the hospital, evaluated, then moved to a home where she got treatment. Again, my uncle was no where to be seen through all of this. My parents packed up the house of a borderline hoarder alone (I helped when I could). Uncle came once to visit gram in the home. I've always resented uncle for not helping my dad at all during this time. My dad had to deal with everything: health issues, house issues, the police (gram was always calling the cops for no reason). Reading this thread, maybe my uncle suffered some kind of abuse from my grandmother, and I could understand then why he wanted very little to do with her. So I'd recommend, see if there is another way you can offer help without getting directly involved with your mother. I'm sure my dad would've appreciated a phone call every once in a while. Money would've been very helpful as well. My dad got no support from my uncle. Him and my mom dealt with it all and TBH that still makes me angry (which is on me I know). Good luck. |
Anonymous
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we are in a similar situation as you with my inlaws. My SIL does more of the "hands on care", i.e. more visits, paperwork, doctor's appts, etc. We don't give time, because time is emotionally exhausting, so we give money instead. The SIL is the favorite, and she can give time without being verbally abused. But we can't, so we protect ourselves. However, we don't just forgo all our responsibilities - we give a sizable amount of money (nearly 3/4 of the total financial amount), which SIL can use for respite care, CNA care, etc. We'd pay the whole thing to stay away from being emotionally manipulated.
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Anonymous
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Last Poster - I do hope that you and DH make the time at least to be sure that SIL and BIL get away on a reasonable amount of vacation time together an/or to see their children with peace-of-mind that one or both or you are physically around to see that any care set up in-home or elsewhere is carried out and to be the "on call" person should there be an emergency. If there are other siblings, this should be something that is rotated so that the one sibling is not taken advantage of. It is not always about money. |
Anonymous
| OP, I suported my mom while she tended to her morher's needs, and her mom sounds a lot like yours. My grandmother was a negligent mother on the best days, and an emotionally abusive monster the rest of the time. However, my mom's two siblings were more inclined to let their mom live out the rest of her life in a nursing home; nobody pushed for in-home care. My mother still visited her often, dealt with issues with the nursing home staff, worked with her doctors, brought her things she needed, etc. At some point, I think my mom realized that she owed none of this to her mother, but she made a decision to do it anyway. It was always a balancing act between being responsible and getting taken advantage of. I was so relieved when my grandmother finally died..I think it freed my mother in some way. No advice here, except to take care of yourself and do not turn your home life upside down by going the home care route for someone who hurt you. You can visit your mom in assisted living or s nursing home, and take comfort in knowing that when you leave, her basic needs will be met by staff. |
Anonymous
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OP, most of your post is about your relationship with your mother. You give very little information about your mother's physical and mental state. Dementia is serious, but it's also progressive. Once it's progressed far enough, her abusive and narcissistic qualities might disappear completely. You'll be left with an elderly person, your mother, with incredibly great daily needs.
Many people with dementia start out with in home care (either a family member or hired), and progress to a dementia facility, or at least the memory care floor of assisted living home. The question for you and sisters is probably not if, but when. Only you and your sisters know your budget, time and energy levels. If you want to be involved but not interact with your mother (part of how you respond in this situation is about your relationship with your sisters, no?), you could offer to help your sisters with paperwork and administrative tasks. Between in home care billing, Medicare, insurance, respite care, residential care, medications and other medical appointments, there is a mountain of it. |
Anonymous
Hi, I'm the poster you mentioned. SIL and BIL do not live with my inlaws, they live near by. BIL does not do anything, he's even less involved than us. They are pretty bad people, my inlaws, and most people have abandoned them. At any rate, we (husband and I) give enough money so that the inlaws can have a paid caregiver 10 hours/day in their home. SIL does not contribute any money, but manages logistics, and visits three times a week, mainly without her husband who is understandably disinterested. We've told her she can put them in a nursing home if she wants, but she doesn't want to, but she also doesn't have decades of physical/verbal abuse to look back on. We visit them every 3 months for a weekend. If SIL/BIl want to get away, we pay for the inlaws to temporarily go to a nursing home. We feel no guilt. We also don't think we 'owe' anything to the SIL. She chooses to take on this role - we didn't ask her to. We help in the capacity we can by trying to pay CNAs so that her free time is preserved as much as possible. |
Anonymous
She needs round he clock care with dementia-time for assisted living/nursing home. There is a difference between these and SNF-skilled nursing fcilities although some are both. Her savings and RE will be eaten up with dementia and the costs for 24/7 good care are high. Liquidate the RE, car, etc . Your siblings are not thinking straight. Is there a POA or joint POA? Guardianship? |