Elder care for my abusive narcissistic mother
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Anonymous
| Long story short: I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother (think along the lines of Mommie Dearest: fits of rage, literally foaming at the mouth, spitting on me, berating me, swearing, hitting etc.) and a passive father. After my child was born, I turned this situation around and decided that this experience has helped me to learn about what kind of mother NOT to be. For the sake of my child, I have maintained a long distance cordial relationship with her, but have completely distanced myself emotionally and physically. Up until recently, just the thought of visiting or even calling, brought up a swell of tension and anxiety in me. At best, I could handle short, once a year visits. When I did see her I felt like she sucked the life out of me. Now she is frail and powerless. I'm happy to say that my child is thriving - happy, healthy, balanced and very capable and I am very happy with the mother I have turned out to be. I would do anything for my child. The problem is that now my mother has dementia and my two siblings (who had a challenging but much better relationship with her) are helping her and making arrangements for her. My one sibling is still under the pressure of pleasing my mother. They expect help from me, but truth be told, if I never saw my mother again, it would be fine with me. My solution would be to put her in an assisted living/retirement center, but my siblings prefer to arrange in home care and help her themselves, which is understandably draining for them. They lay on the guilt though, and it has strained our relationship. For the sake of my sibling relationships, and also as a role model for my child on how to care for elders, I would like to resolve this. Any suggestions are most welcome, and thanks for reading this. |
Anonymous
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Your siblings are still being manipulated by your mother. It is a common dynamic among the children of narcissists. One or two might escape, but there is always at least one who will be the enabler/codependent of the narcissist.
You don't owe your mother anything and I would advise you to take a closer look at your siblings' behavior towards you. They are being extremely unfair to you and why wouldn't they be when you bore the brunt of your mother's crazy and they didn't? On some level, they learned how to treat you from her. |
Anonymous
| If your siblings choose to have her in their homes and play the martyr, then that is their choice. No reason you have to do the same or suffer alongside them. They are being unreasonable and it is time you stood up for yourself. |
Anonymous
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Can you pay for something to make their lives easier? Either respite care for your mom in their home, or something like their cleaning service so it frees up their time to help mom but still gets their housework done?
If they expect you to come over and care for her yourself, you can be clear on your boundaries. "That isn't healthy for me or Mom. I'm perfectly happy to hire someone to come help out for X hours per week to get you the break that you need. Or, we can talk about putting her into an appropriate facility. That way you could all visit as you needed an enjoy your time with Mom." Hold your boundary line, OP. You've come a long way and are a really good person to be ready to help your mom out now at all. |
Anonymous
| You didn't say if your father was alive or not. If he is, Mom is his problem not yours. If he isn't alive then tell your siblings how you feel and move on. |
Anonymous
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I would limit yourself to contributing whatever amount you could easily afford towards the help - a couple of hundred a month or whatever.
You will also have to accept that this will put pressure on your relationship with your siblings. Be honest and upfront with them about what you are willing to do, and why. |
Anonymous
| cliff notes please |
Anonymous
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I feel for you.
But I think you need to be direct with them, when they, in your words, "lay on the guilt." When a sibling says something, just say, "Please don't try to guilt me. I've been honest in saying I think this situation needs assisted living or home living. It is YOUR CHOICE to have her in your house, and you cannot lay a guilt trip on me because of your decision." And repeat. You can't change your sib,wings, but you can change how you react to them. If you are satisfied with your decision, own it, and tell them to back off. |
Anonymous
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If your relationship with your siblings frays over this, it is their fault, not yours. They are being controlling and are painting you into a corner with their demands. There is no reason why they have to take her into their own homes and make this as hard as possible. Don't buy into the guilt trip they are laying.
My mother is a narcissistic asshole a lot like yours and her favorite kid likes to make the rest of us feel bad for not bending over backwards for her even when just a simple step will do. The day I told him where to go was a beautiful day. He was basically acting as an extension of her in our lives. |
Anonymous
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Been there, done that, except that it was my grandmother. Watching my mother and her 6 siblings negotiate this was educational, to say the least. She doted on the only son, took good care of the first couple of daughters, abused one mentally disabled daughter, and told my mother she didn't love her and should never have been born. First, your siblings have the right to their own opinions. Your experience was apparently not theirs. Second, what is it they want from you? You are ready to do something for your mother, which is great. Draw your boundaries, and then discuss whatever is open for discussion. I suppose you would refuse caring personally for her. My mother did too. How much then is your detachment worth? There needs to be some kind of financial compensation. I believe that home care is much less expensive than assisted living, so that works in your favor. |
Anonymous
Dad passed away a long time ago. He was an angel to put up with her, but often turned a blind eye to the abuse. To you and the others who have responded so far - thank you from the bottom of my heart. The issue is not so much a financial one, as my mother has savings and real estate, it's really a matter of time - being with her, arranging and managing the in home care, taking her to appts, etc. The thing is she's going through several helpers, none being good enough and then, back to the drawing board. |
Anonymous
She's still trying to control you and your siblings and she will continue until she dies. Your enabler siblings will let her do this and it is up to you to put your foot down. You have suffered her long enough and absolutely must not compromise your emotional well being by being around her. No helper but her abused daughter will do, huh? Tell that Felicia bye! |
Anonymous
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If you mom has dementia, then how are your siblings still looking for her approval since she can't give any?
Other than that, if they choose to care for her at home, what can you do? You told them what you thought they should do, they said no they are going to do it, so that's all you can do. |
Anonymous
| Stay strong and stay away from her! |
Anonymous
Hold firm, OP! It's a slippery slope. I'm 100% in agreement that no "in person" care is or should be required of you. |