Elder care for my abusive narcissistic mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you mom has dementia, then how are your siblings still looking for her approval since she can't give any?

Other than that, if they choose to care for her at home, what can you do? You told them what you thought they should do, they said no they are going to do it, so that's all you can do.

You must not have any narcissists in your life. Long after my grandfather's mind was gone, his kids were still living as if he was calling the shots and turning on each other for not doing enough for grandpa. The mental hold that narcissists have on their families lingers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you mom has dementia, then how are your siblings still looking for her approval since she can't give any?

Other than that, if they choose to care for her at home, what can you do? You told them what you thought they should do, they said no they are going to do it, so that's all you can do.

You must not have any narcissists in your life. Long after my grandfather's mind was gone, his kids were still living as if he was calling the shots and turning on each other for not doing enough for grandpa. The mental hold that narcissists have on their families lingers.

This is so true. We're conditioned to react/respond to them in a certain way, always seeking their approval, always trying to make them happy.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. My experience growing up with my mother was very similar to yours. I was mistreated, verbally and emotionally abused, humiliated and embarrassed by her often. I couldn't wait to finally be free of her. Once I finished college I tried to get a fresh start...but Family and friends made me feel guilty every time I tried to wean her out of my life and It took me years feel OK about not being there for her. Now that I am free, I deal with her as little as possible (despite us living in the same area) and would be fine with never seeing her again. In all these years she still has not changed. She continues to manipulate and abuse her friends and the family members that are in more frequent contact with her. On several occasions, I've had to remind people that I'm not interested in whatever crisis she's having and not to call me seeking help with her. I've made it clear that I don't want to be bothered with her, but if they choose to then they have to deal with all the drama that comes along....Its very sad. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your siblings choose to have her in their homes and play the martyr, then that is their choice. No reason you have to do the same or suffer alongside them. They are being unreasonable and it is time you stood up for yourself.

+1.

[Anonymous]

You fought too hard to come this far. Don't go back! Stand your ground. I'm proud of you!

[Anonymous]

My completely horrible grandmother turned quite lovely when she developed dementia.

[Anonymous]

OMG. I am so sorry you are going through this (and for what you went through before). In a similar situation here, except I have no siblings. I got my parents into an assisted living place, but if my dad were to pass away, I WILL NOT BRING MOM TO LIVE WITH ME. no no no no.
As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You fought too hard to come this far. Don't go back! Stand your ground. I'm proud of you!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. I am so sorry you are going through this (and for what you went through before). In a similar situation here, except I have no siblings. I got my parents into an assisted living place, but if my dad were to pass away, I WILL NOT BRING MOM TO LIVE WITH ME. no no no no.
As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Me too, though my mom thinks she "sacrificed" her life for me since I was an only and I owe her big time. I just dont know how to convince them to move to senior care.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are a distance away, you mentioned once yearly visits?

I agree with all the PP's. I would suggest saying something like "you have been telling me for some time now that you think I should be helping more with the day to day care of mom, and I have been telling you for some time that she needs assistive living. It sounds like we just can't agree, so for the sake of our relationship let's agree to disagree. Now how is my niece Larla doing in soccer?" Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest saying something like "you have been telling me for some time now that you think I should be helping more with the day to day care of mom, and I have been telling you for some time that she needs assistive living. It sounds like we just can't agree, so for the sake of our relationship let's agree to disagree."

I'd say this and then add, "Other than helping with in person care, what can I do to help you with Mom's care?"

[Anonymous]

Is there any legal way to be free of these types of mothers? I am terrified mine is going to try to implicate me in her debts or something.

[Anonymous]

I stand behind the large number of well-informed children of narcissists who have posted on here. The advice is spot on.


18:50- I have a parent in PA, the worst in the country for elder debt inheritance. I, too, worry about this and the other horrifying things she has tried to do to me financially (emotionally is a given)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest saying something like "you have been telling me for some time now that you think I should be helping more with the day to day care of mom, and I have been telling you for some time that she needs assistive living. It sounds like we just can't agree, so for the sake of our relationship let's agree to disagree."

I'd say this and then add, "Other than helping with in person care, what can I do to help you with Mom's care?"

Yes, this combination would work

[Anonymous]

OP,

You need to take the emotions out of it when you deal with your siblings. If your mother was the most wonderful, kind, loving perfect mother in the world and developed dementia, where/how would she get the best care?

Dementia is very difficult. If your siblings choose to care for her at home, offer to contribute the same amount of money for care services you'd pony up for an elder care home (presuming you were willing to do this.) She might be better off in a home where they specialize in this and will probably end up there.

When you discuss this with them, act as though you are discussing an elderly neighbor you barely know, meaning keep personal comments, past hurts, judgement of your siblings etc. out of it.

At this point, it's not about her, it's about preserving the relationship with your siblings. Don't let your mom poison that well too.