Is this all there is to life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have a couple of issues going on here, a demanding job (which is what you chose and that's okay), a toddler (they take every bit of energy) and gazillion social commitments (totally avoidable). Now add in your desire to have ME time and there are not enough hours in the day, as a PP already mentioned, something has got to give because you can't have it all at the same time.

Stop saying yes to every invitation which comes your way and make more time for yourself and your family. It is your decision.

+1 especially to the "you can't have it all at the same time." I think about life as having a variety of seasons -- when it's the toddler + demanding job season that's a time to scale back other activities and focus on the essentials. That's kid/spouse/job + time for whatever it is that helps you feel sane, be it a weekly coffee date with your best friend or a morning run or (for me) time blocked out each evening for reading.

Kids grow up, their needs change, your needs change. My kids are now in middle school and I am back to a regular (non-parenting) volunteer commitment and performing with a musical group. We can travel again to fun places. Also, the time with lots of engagement/wedding/baby parties is also a season of life. It won't be like this forever. I haven't been to a baby shower in ages and the only weddings I attend these days are for the children of my cousins. That season is followed by the years of little kid birthday parties but those also pass. Now that the kids are in middle school, birthday parties are less frequent since kids just invite their close circle of friends. Now we're back to hosting our own parties for our friends when we feel like it!

I love being a parent and feel my life is much richer through my experiences with them than it was when I was single. I had that "is this all there is" feeling when I was single/no-kids but don't recall feeling that once I became a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I used to be career focused. Now I have a mom job. Granted I have a mom job that pays well but I work 40 hrs a week and telecommute more often than not. Very helpful re laundry, dinner prep, wrapping Xmas gifts, making valentines, etc. to do it at home when on a conference call.

Something has to give, but it's up to you to decide what that is. Social commitments is something else that I gave up. I have friends I rarely see. Those with kids near the age of mine, I see more often. I probably go out 2 times/month. I hang out with my kid btw 5-730pm, then my husband from kid bedtime to our bedtime. Then start all over the next day. My life is very fulfilling, just very different from what it was...

+1 to this. I've been doing my mom job for 6 years now. First kid is almost 5 and second is 1.5. I wouldn't trade a thing over the past 6 years, but I confess I'm ready for more career wise. However, there is so much fun stuff to do with my older kid. OP her yourself checked out. You should be getting *some* satisfaction from your family life. Also, sounds like you have too much pressure from the extended family. Either let that go or turn it into a net positive for you (free babysitting= date night!).

[Anonymous]

You have to prioritize what ypu want/need the most. For me, most social obligations took a backseat. My son is my first priority, over everything else. That is what makes me happy. but that does not mean ypu have to give up all your old things. Figure out what you need and make it happen.

And, yes, it is all very, very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have time to respond at length, but I totally hear you. I wanted to quickly share that if life seems tough with one kid, do not have a second child. It is so much harder and families with one kid seems to get their lives back.

Totally agree. Have an only child. It does get sooooo much better. And ignore the sanctimommies.

[Anonymous]

The fun part of your life is over. You are going to have a few years of hassle now. suck it up.

[Anonymous]

I can't totally relate because I have the job and two kids but not the household help. But: What is it you wish you had more time to do? My kids are slightly older than yours and by now I've figured out that as long as I can do certain things--in my case, exercise, work in the garden, cook, have friends over for dinner--regularly, I stay happy. It's much easier to fit these things in on the weekends, but I do manage to run and cook during the week.

That said, my husband is a great companion and my kids bring me joy like nothing ever has in life. It doesn't sound like you are there yet. You might want to consider counseling, and I don't say that flippantly. If I didn't relish my family time, these family centric days would be tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fun part of your life is over. You are going to have a few years of hassle now. suck it up.

+1

OP, you're still living like you're single, whether you think you are or not. You haven't cut the cord yet to all of those ridiculous friend/ family social commitments that you think are so important, as well as your "demanding" job.

You are married now and have a child. It's not about you living your life the way you always did. If you try to continue, this -- or worse -- will be the end result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No, hopefully they've made peace with it and are not miserable. And of course they are free to enjoy the spoils of singleness, which is some compensation. But I guarantee you, 99% of these women would trade some aspect of their life for a husband and/or family, or still rue the "one who got away," or whatever.

OP here. They would trade it because they don't know how much marriage and kids suck. Society builds up the married life w/ children as ideal and so many women fall for it. If I could go back in time and warn myself, I kinda would. I love my son and now that he is here, I will do right by him. But if I could have my old life back, I would in a heartbeat.

But here I am and it is too late now. The purpose of this thread is not to bash marriage or debate single v. married. It's to ask other working moms what life is really like for them and hopefully get some useful ideas that I can implement.

(I see that someone suggested quitting my job. That is a useless idea because it doesn't take into account financial obligations and the long term consequences of getting out of the job market. My goal isn't to end up screwed a different way than I currently am.)

Wow. Please don't have more children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have a couple of issues going on here, a demanding job (which is what you chose and that's okay), a toddler (they take every bit of energy) and gazillion social commitments (totally avoidable). Now add in your desire to have ME time and there are not enough hours in the day, as a PP already mentioned, something has got to give because you can't have it all at the same time.

Stop saying yes to every invitation which comes your way and make more time for yourself and your family. It is your decision.

+1 especially to the "you can't have it all at the same time." I think about life as having a variety of seasons -- when it's the toddler + demanding job season that's a time to scale back other activities and focus on the essentials. That's kid/spouse/job + time for whatever it is that helps you feel sane, be it a weekly coffee date with your best friend or a morning run or (for me) time blocked out each evening for reading.

Kids grow up, their needs change, your needs change. My kids are now in middle school and I am back to a regular (non-parenting) volunteer commitment and performing with a musical group. We can travel again to fun places. Also, the time with lots of engagement/wedding/baby parties is also a season of life. It won't be like this forever. I haven't been to a baby shower in ages and the only weddings I attend these days are for the children of my cousins. That season is followed by the years of little kid birthday parties but those also pass. Now that the kids are in middle school, birthday parties are less frequent since kids just invite their close circle of friends. Now we're back to hosting our own parties for our friends when we feel like it!

I love being a parent and feel my life is much richer through my experiences with them than it was when I was single. I had that "is this all there is" feeling when I was single/no-kids but don't recall feeling that once I became a parent.

Well said! I feel exactly the same way. Kids have opened up the world for me.

[Anonymous]

Toddlers are tyrannical monsters. Older kids are so wonderful & amazing. In my experience, the hell ends at 4 and the elementary years are bliss. There is a light at the end of the tunnel - just hang in there. I'd rather have 10 ten year olds in my house than one toddler.
- Mom of a 10 year old

[Anonymous]

It gets better. Just hang in there. For the longest time, I had the exact same feeling and was so burnt out with the whole working mother with young children treadmill. Looking back, the first three years of both my kids lives were pretty hellish. There were some wonderful moments, sure, but it was just so damn exhausting trying to keep up with life. They are older now - both in elementary school - and I finally feel like I have a life again. I can also truly say that I love being a mother now (not every single second of every day, but the vast majority of the time). Parenting older children is very different from babies and toddlers - in my experience, it is far superior! We also recently returned from a family vacation that was fun and relaxing. I hated traveling when the kids were babies and toddlers - It just did not seem worth the stress, money, and change in routine.

As for tips with dealing with your feelings now, I agree with others that you should cut down on the social commitments. I did for a very long time and did not feel guilty about it. I was doing what I needed to do to stay above water. I would also just step back a bit and realize that this too shall pass. Be kind and patient with yourself.

[Anonymous]

You may be depressed but ruling that out it sounds like you are trying to fit your marriage and your kid into your old life. But you signed up for a new life in which chores are more common than alone time. So yes in a way that is all there is. Many of us grow to love it more than the old life but yes maintaining a happy family is a lot of work. I envy all the help you have.

[Anonymous]

I'm soooo glad I waited till late 30s to settle down, 40s to have kids. Spent those early years sowing my oats and pursuing my education. 2nd kid took help to conceive and I haven't made much of a career despite advanced careers but I don't regret my choices. Glad I'll regret not having much of a professional life and not the days I'm home with my kids.

[Anonymous]

just wanted to say sorry you're feeling this way. it sounds overwhelming.

it does seem as if cutting back on the social obligations might be the easiest route now - showers and birthday parties, weddings. just say no to most of them for a while and see if life doesn't ease up a bit.

i'm in my 40s and married but no kids, so i can't say if that gets easier, but - to the idiot who thinks she knows what everyone wants all the time - i'm not filling my life with other things to make up for having no kids. i specifically had no kids because i didn't want them. you really don't have some penetrating insight into all humanity.

[Anonymous]

I don't necessarily think elementary gets easier. I have actually found the elementary years even busier. When my child was in preschool, everything was done for me. They served her lunch, there were activities at the school she could do, and homework was minimal. She didn't have any team sports. the first year of elementary was brutal. Suddenly I was balancing all my work commitments with workouts/minimal social life and a zillion kid commitments. Soccer team, dance/gymnastics classes, swim lessons (knowing how to swim is important), homework, PTA obligations. And school has more holidays/teacher work days than daycare/preschool did. It was a lot.

So don't assume it will get easier right away. It doesn't. Yeah, you can decide not to get involved with anything, but then you're that parent who isn't contributing and expecting everyone else to do it, and that is kind of lame. Or you're the parent who won't sign their kid up for anything and that's kind of lame.

Face it, parenthood is hard. it's not about you anymore. You can and should carve out little pockets of time for yourself, but there are days when that pocket might be 30 minutes for a glass of wine at the end of the day, or a quick workout, or a shower by yourself. In 18 years, you can relax.