Is this all there is to life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, people are clearly hung up on how much help I have NOW, so let me clarify:

I have had a housekeeper and nanny for the past two months. Before now, a worsening of my child's congenital condition required me to be with him for the second year of life. At the same time, student loan debt meant that I could not afford to be a stay-at-home mom. So, I moved toa lower paying full time job that required only 40-50 hours a week, instead of my higher paying job that was basically 24 hours a day. I worked out a deal with my new boss in which I telecommuted three times a week and DH worked out a deal with his boss in which he telecommuted twice a week. Once a month, I would work a full week in the office. Once a month, DH would work a full week in the office.

We could not afford a regular nanny. No daycare could take my son because of his condition. So, I worked full time and DH and I took turn caring for our son full time while the other was in the office. Whenever we had a little accumulated, we would hire a babysitter for a few hours so that we could frantically catch up on work. After a year, our son was better, but we were broke and exhausted. It became clear that I would have to monetize my credentials for the sake of our family. So, I went back to my previous position at a hospital with better money. The hours are terrible. I routinely work 36-hour shifts. But we are starting to put a dent in our debt. Although I have a nanny and housekeeper, I cannot possibly delegate everything. I am surprised by how hard it all still is. And people in our lives cannot really understand because they are not in our shoes.

I did not think I would have to add all of my personal business in order not to catch a backlash from some of the shrews on this board. I should've known better. Thank you to everyone who has offered a helpful perspective.

Well, goodness! I think that the details certainly make a material change to the lifestyle we all imagined you to be living. Working mom with a healthy toddler, nanny, and housekeeper? BTDT without the nanny and housekeeper.

Working mom with an ill child, large student loans, and terrible hours at work? I have no idea how I'd feel about being in your shoes. Probably overwhelmed.

Why do you need to know that a person's lifestyle is shit before you offer them a little human sympathy or keep it moving if you cannot be so gracious?

Oh...I wasn't one of the one's giving OP a hard time, but I can at least understand why some people might. Hey, I agree. If you can't say anything nice...move along.

[Anonymous]

Lol now everyone who attacked feels stupid. Let this be a lesson that you never know what is going on in someone's life based on a few details.

[Anonymous]

I totally relate. I have a two year old. I am pregnant.
I changed to a nonstressful 40 hr gov job with no weekend work. My DH helps out a lot. But I have almost zero social life. I am already 38. I just try to live another day, hang in there. It occurred to me this might be all. Despite having excelled in many things, esp. in academics (with an ivy league law degree), I'm just going to be an anonymous widget maker in the fed gov and leave two children behind when I die. I have no energy or drive anymore to excel at work. I am tired all the time. I love my kid and I love being a mom. But I'm guessing it's only going to get harder when baby #2 comes. Twenty years of caring for kids, then another decade of work, then it will be all about illnesses due to old age.

I am not ambitious but I have days I feel blue wondering if this is all there will be to my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, people are clearly hung up on how much help I have NOW, so let me clarify:

I have had a housekeeper and nanny for the past two months. Before now, a worsening of my child's congenital condition required me to be with him for the second year of life. At the same time, student loan debt meant that I could not afford to be a stay-at-home mom. So, I moved toa lower paying full time job that required only 40-50 hours a week, instead of my higher paying job that was basically 24 hours a day. I worked out a deal with my new boss in which I telecommuted three times a week and DH worked out a deal with his boss in which he telecommuted twice a week. Once a month, I would work a full week in the office. Once a month, DH would work a full week in the office.

We could not afford a regular nanny. No daycare could take my son because of his condition. So, I worked full time and DH and I took turn caring for our son full time while the other was in the office. Whenever we had a little accumulated, we would hire a babysitter for a few hours so that we could frantically catch up on work. After a year, our son was better, but we were broke and exhausted. It became clear that I would have to monetize my credentials for the sake of our family. So, I went back to my previous position at a hospital with better money. The hours are terrible. I routinely work 36-hour shifts. But we are starting to put a dent in our debt. Although I have a nanny and housekeeper, I cannot possibly delegate everything. I am surprised by how hard it all still is. And people in our lives cannot really understand because they are not in our shoes.

I did not think I would have to add all of my personal business in order not to catch a backlash from some of the shrews on this board. I should've known better. Thank you to everyone who has offered a helpful perspective.

Well, goodness! I think that the details certainly make a material change to the lifestyle we all imagined you to be living. Working mom with a healthy toddler, nanny, and housekeeper? BTDT without the nanny and housekeeper.

Working mom with an ill child, large student loans, and terrible hours at work? I have no idea how I'd feel about being in your shoes. Probably overwhelmed.

Why do you need to know that a person's lifestyle is shit before you offer them a little human sympathy or keep it moving if you cannot be so gracious?

Oh...I wasn't one of the one's giving OP a hard time, but I can at least understand why some people might. Hey, I agree. If you can't say anything nice...move along.

Having context supports empathy. Without it, OP sounds like my mother who resented the hell of her children and marriage and life. She was a ball of resentment and anger and she blamed us for EVERYTHING. It was hard and damaging and took tons of therapy to untangle, but in the absence of severe stressors like an ill child, what you see if a woman who is bored, stressed, and wishing she had more free time on her hands. Oh, and is resentful. Not nice.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope your child is doing better. I actually recommend you take time and do therapy for yourself. I think even the hour or so you take can be very helpful in sorting out everything. Don't be my mom.

[Anonymous]

^^ oh for sure all that makes a difference OP. I responded earlier in the thread with a suggestion that you get yourself checked out for depression and I didn't tune in to everyone getting nasty. So I'm sorry that happened. I stand by the suggestion you do that, though. You sounded depressed in the absence of all those stressors and in the presence of all those, you sound downright desperate. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Kids aren't formless faceless beings. When they get older and interesting, they're amazing people who add joy and interest to your life. My kids are grown now, and they're wonderful people whom I'm proud to know. That's what makes it worthwhile. I couldn't stand the infant years, but the later stuff is awesome. Hang in there, OP! Your toddler is going to be a dear friend to you one day.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

Let me try to offer the most constructive advice I can (coming from a mom of three, with a husband who travels a lot, and I work full time as well).

First, it is important to figure out what you want the time to DO. What's important to you? For me, it's a sport I love and I've worked to make time to fit it.

The toddler years are really really hard. For a lot of parents, spending time with a toddler isn't that enjoyable. It will get better when they are older, I promise. The time commitment doesn't lessen but perhaps your enjoyment of those hours will increase.

Say no to family or social obligations you don't have time for. If your family wants to see you, have them come to your house. Let them babysit your child while you go out to dinner with your husband or do something you want to do.

For OP and those who agree with this sentiment: "Twenty years of caring for kids, then another decade of work, then it will be all about illnesses due to old age.

I am not ambitious but I have days I feel blue wondering if this is all there will be to my life."

Just wondering - what is it you WANT out of your life? Working and taking care of your kids isn't enough? Do you have a fulfilling marriage? What do you actually want?

I think we, as women, were told growing up that we could have IT ALL. We can't. No one can. You cannot be a 60 hour a week powerful career woman, have Sex and the City friendships, a great marriage, time for exercise and spa appointments, and three beautiful well-adjusted children at home. You have to make choices and prioritize. If you're asking yourself, "is this all there is?" I would say, ask yourself what it is you WANT. And then figure out how to adjust the rest of your life to get you a little more of what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids aren't formless faceless beings. When they get older and interesting, they're amazing people who add joy and interest to your life. My kids are grown now, and they're wonderful people whom I'm proud to know. That's what makes it worthwhile. I couldn't stand the infant years, but the later stuff is awesome. Hang in there, OP! Your toddler is going to be a dear friend to you one day.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 33, and just had my first child 5 months ago. Before I had her, we basically traveled the world, moved from city to city, and partied a lot...for about a decade. I really started to wonder..."is this all there is?"

Now, we tote our poop machine around the country on our trips. We take her to happy hour to see our friends...our childless friends come to our house to hang out and have cocktails. It's not that different.

I'm totally not sold on having 2 kids, but 1? So easy so far, and we've had no help.

Freshen your perspective...the only thing limiting you, is you.

that's not quite true. it sounds like OP has a job that doesn't leave lots of time for happy hours, etc. also, sometimes people's brain chemistries are different. this self-help nonsense that there is no objective reality, only you creating your perspective, is awesome if your perspective is chipper and satisfied. if you're anxious and depressed and overwhelmed - not so much.

great that things are still peachy for you guys. it's really not fair to lord that over others and say, just be happy like we are.

Please. You really do have to look inward for your own happiness. Expecting exogenous factors / people / things to propel you into bliss is never going to satsify you in the long-run.

that's self-help nonsense. let me give you an example: last winter, i was miserable because of the cold and dark. crying every day. so i moved somewhere sunny. and now is the time of year that summer is coming to an end in dc - usually when that dread starts creeping up in me, that sunshine and warmth will be over soon. except this year i don't have that darkness rising up in me, because i live somewhere that better suits my needs.

yes, part of good mental health is a good attitude. but external factors OBVIOUSLY influence how you feel about things. if you are being hit in the head every ten minutes, you're going to have a headache. no amount of forcing yourself to smile will stop that.

You couldn't just get one of the light producing UV lamps? You had to actually move?

Lol, yes. I'm a NP. There was a world of difference for me when I could do things like walk outside year round, swim, hike, see vibrant colors in the winter instead of drab gray everywhere, etc. There is a reason people's moving south in record numbers. Some people need the sun and warmth. For others, like my friend in Seattle, a UV lamp satisfies her needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol now everyone who attacked feels stupid. Let this be a lesson that you never know what is going on in someone's life based on a few details.

Agreed. And even if OP was living a life of luxury with no health problems in her family, she was feeling depressed and like things weren't worth it. She needed support and validation and ideas on how to change it. Op, I wish you much luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

Let me try to offer the most constructive advice I can (coming from a mom of three, with a husband who travels a lot, and I work full time as well).

First, it is important to figure out what you want the time to DO. What's important to you? For me, it's a sport I love and I've worked to make time to fit it.

The toddler years are really really hard. For a lot of parents, spending time with a toddler isn't that enjoyable. It will get better when they are older, I promise. The time commitment doesn't lessen but perhaps your enjoyment of those hours will increase.

Say no to family or social obligations you don't have time for. If your family wants to see you, have them come to your house. Let them babysit your child while you go out to dinner with your husband or do something you want to do.

For OP and those who agree with this sentiment: "Twenty years of caring for kids, then another decade of work, then it will be all about illnesses due to old age.

I am not ambitious but I have days I feel blue wondering if this is all there will be to my life."

Just wondering - what is it you WANT out of your life? Working and taking care of your kids isn't enough? Do you have a fulfilling marriage? What do you actually want?

I think we, as women, were told growing up that we could have IT ALL. We can't. No one can. You cannot be a 60 hour a week powerful career woman, have Sex and the City friendships, a great marriage, time for exercise and spa appointments, and three beautiful well-adjusted children at home. You have to make choices and prioritize. If you're asking yourself, "is this all there is?" I would say, ask yourself what it is you WANT. And then figure out how to adjust the rest of your life to get you a little more of what you want.

Sex and the City was a fictional television program for crying out loud.

[Anonymous]

When your children get elementary school ages it is better to live in an area of the country where one can go outside year round and do outdoor activities with them without freezing to death with cold, dreary, cloudy days 5-6 months out of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol now everyone who attacked feels stupid. Let this be a lesson that you never know what is going on in someone's life based on a few details.

New poster here. OP, you should have provided the details before asking for advice. We are not mind readers. I am sorry you are going through this. Answer to your first question: Is there all there is to life? Yes, but it all depends on you. Some have much easier while others are worse off than you. You need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, people are clearly hung up on how much help I have NOW, so let me clarify:

I have had a housekeeper and nanny for the past two months. Before now, a worsening of my child's congenital condition required me to be with him for the second year of life. At the same time, student loan debt meant that I could not afford to be a stay-at-home mom. So, I moved toa lower paying full time job that required only 40-50 hours a week, instead of my higher paying job that was basically 24 hours a day. I worked out a deal with my new boss in which I telecommuted three times a week and DH worked out a deal with his boss in which he telecommuted twice a week. Once a month, I would work a full week in the office. Once a month, DH would work a full week in the office.

We could not afford a regular nanny. No daycare could take my son because of his condition. So, I worked full time and DH and I took turn caring for our son full time while the other was in the office. Whenever we had a little accumulated, we would hire a babysitter for a few hours so that we could frantically catch up on work. After a year, our son was better, but we were broke and exhausted. It became clear that I would have to monetize my credentials for the sake of our family. So, I went back to my previous position at a hospital with better money. The hours are terrible. I routinely work 36-hour shifts. But we are starting to put a dent in our debt. Although I have a nanny and housekeeper, I cannot possibly delegate everything. I am surprised by how hard it all still is. And people in our lives cannot really understand because they are not in our shoes.

I did not think I would have to add all of my personal business in order not to catch a backlash from some of the shrews on this board. I should've known better. Thank you to everyone who has offered a helpful perspective.

OP, I understand what you're feeling. Sometimes as I'm clearing the dishes from the table at night I get this overwhelming feeling of despair that I'm going to be doing the exact same thing every day for so long. I miss having fun. I miss being fun. And my oldest is five, so I've had much more time than you to get used to being a mother.

What helps me get through it is therapy and Wellbutrin.

Others have said this but some were being mean about it, but I would stick with just one kid if I were you. It gets exponentially more difficult and you lose exponentially more time with each child. I love my other two very much, but sometimes I am so jealous of the parents of DD's friends who only have 1. Their kid comes to my house, and they have time alone. It takes a lot of planning and a lot of money to get DH and I some alone time during the day.

[Anonymous]

You post makes so much more sense now. I didn't get it. My kids make me so happy, but they are typical.

I think parents of special needs children feel incredibly isolated. I think there needs to be more support. I would suggest finding a support group of other parents in similar situations and go from there. Start some friendships and I think life would get better.