Reply to S/O Reality of marriage for late 30s woman

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For all the DHs complaining about lack of sex and wives who aren't affectionate any more, here's your chance to see the other side:

I have never been attracted to bad boys.  The sweet, hard working guy was always the one for me.  I am hard working too.  I have been on my own since 18 and put myself through college and grad school.  I busted my ass to pay off my debt by my late 20s and was self sufficient with a great job when I met DH.  DH was a nice, shy guy from a two-parent family.  Didn't believe in gende roles and in the early years, we both busted our asses at work and we both did chores.  He talked a good game about being an equal partner and father once we had kids.  Well, we decide to conceive.  DH is over the moon throughout my pregnancy.  Then kid arrives.  He completely drops the ball.  I do everything from waking up at night to bedtime, bathtime, pediatrician appointments.  DH's excuse is that no one taught him how to take care of a baby, but complains of tiredness when I try to involve him.  Mind you, no one handed me a manual either.  Just to get him to do chores is a fight.  I cook, I clean, I fix things around the house.

Fast forward two years and countless fights.  I am making way more than him now because I was hungrier at work.  I want to give up and let the home go to rot, but what kind of life will that be for my little girl?  DH is also fat, having gained on a stocky frame.  We ate together while I was pregnant and both gained 30lbs, but I lost the weight and he didn't.  I am 124lbs at 5'8 - thinner than I was when we married - and have a four pack.  Chubbiness can be cute and weight wouldn't bother me so much if he wasn't also lazy.  A person should never be both fat AND lazy.  He knows he does not deserve me and lives in fear of losing me.  But the fear just makes him sad and depressed, which increases my contempt for him.  I rush to vanquish my fears; he is defeated by them.  I am not interested in sex with him and when we have sex, it stinks.  He doesn't go down any more, finishes in 5 minutes, just awful.  I still love him and want to save this marriage for my daughter's sake, but I feel tricked.  This is not the marriage I expected at all.

I wonder how many of the whining beta DHs complaining about no sex on this forum are just like my DH.  Why would anyone want to have sex with you?[/quote]

DH here to try to give you some advice.

First, I sympathize with you.  You have a right to be pissed.

Second, I am very different from your husband (I am high earning alpha type - I hate that term but you know what it means).   But I am also kind of a slob in that my standards for what I like in a clean house are wildly lower than my wife.  Also, being cut off from sex or realizing my wife isn't enjoying sex with me would cause me self doubt and sadness, and a downward spiral in our relationship.

So onto the advice.  Be very direct.  "I need you to help out more around the house.  I would like you to do the dishes every night after work, and the toilets and bathrooms once a week.  I need you to put your laundry in the machine.  etc."

Sexually, you have a legit beef.  I don't understand men who don't go down on women (Both for their own sake and for their wives - oral sex should be standard in every relationship).  But I wonder if he is doing this sexually because he knows you don't want to be having sex with him, you don't enjoy it, so he is doing what he must to just finish and leave you alone.  Again, I would be very specific - I miss you going down on me, I would like that more.  I need x, y, and z from you in bed to enjoy myself.

As for the weight loss, what would motivate me is the sexual aspect.  If DW said "I think you are sexy, but I get really turned on when you get home from the gym and I love the way your body feels after a work out" I would be at the gym every day.

Good luck, you have some legit complaints here.  Even implementing what I wrote admittedly sounds unsexy and exhausting, but perhaps if you can be the big person one last time and extend the goodwill to jumpstart this he will respond and a positive reinforcement cycle will develop.[/quote]

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