Married but fantasizing about another man - advice?

[Anonymous]

Going to the extent of posting on an online forum is going too far. You're luxuriating in a fantasy that's not fair to your spouse. I would recommend therapy to sort out why you're behaving so immaturely. The potential consequences are very destructive, but you don't seem very attuned to them - that's not a good sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP Here

I am in a much better place as a result of the great perspective and good advice provided here. Thank you.

Thanks for keeping me honest and preventing me from hoodwinking myself into a "how on earth did I get here?" situation. I was building and rationalizing a plan of action that would have been a recipe for disaster. It helped to read 10+ messages that made that point and countered my various excuses.

The feelings with this other man are so intense that I was willing to go with it. (That this happens so rarely, is probably testament to my and DH's focus on our relationship and our general and sexual compatibility. For which I should be and am thankful.)

I am more conscious of the distinction between fantasy and fixation in this case. I must be realistic to not seek out time to see him. When I do see him, I need to recall the advice to "batten down the hatches and avoid alcohol." I was building scenarios that would lead to no good, which while awesome fodder for fantasy would damage the relationships I have worked to build and value. How telling that I first posted this on the explicit forum!

Frankly, I would still like to be with this guy - and leaving that open is exciting. But, I am more clearly aiming for fantasy - the fun and enjoyment, and working to redirect that awesome energy towards my husband.

Wish me luck.

Good luck !!!! How is it going??! Remember that you are dealing with some heady stuff. Its hard. Keep your chin up. Check in and let us know!

[Anonymous]

masterbate to the thought of him. I mean, having fantasies is normal. The issue is acting on it.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I keep thinking and enjoying, but less fixation. But I am surprised how hard it can be.
What attracts me? If you saw him, you would NOT say say "oh wow, yes." You'd say "oh, ok. Wait, which guy again?"
His body is decent, nothing spectacular (similar response as mine and my husbands)
The fact is, he is a great listener and does so intensely....asks great follow-up questions, looks into my eyes as he listens, thoughtful. interesting ideas, attentive, Confident as he speaks, funny. Smart, curious.
He's married, sorta religious, likely would never cheat....and likely neither would I. Too much loss for the thrill of an evening or 30. minutes (though fantasy minutes much more!)

These characteristics also describe my husband !Which is all too say, my friend, dc urban mom. and my sister years ago (when it was my co worker) were correct: my fascination with another speaks to the disconnect with my own husband and our relationship.
Thanks for helping me remember.....fantasy and fixation likely better when less within my own real world......

He's coming in July, that possibility is stilll thrilling. But hopeful I will remember these thoughts. And will plan a meal of chili -- thanks!!@

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start slowly. First - do his laundry, particularly his dirty underwear. Maybe share a room with him after he's gotten a belly full of chili. See where it goes from there.

Lol!!! Thanks for the laugh!!

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks! Much less fixated and/or made it through that horny point in my cycle.

Playing with fire tip was good and I must be sure not to be near with him during that stage.

[Anonymous]

DH here. About 1/4 of the time I'm having sex with DW, the lights are off, my eyes are closed, and I'm imagining someone else. Perfectly natural and there's nothing wrong with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Happily married, but keep fantasizing about another man. I see this other man rarely (3x year) - but the last few times I saw him, I had VERY physical reaction down low and it was thrilling...very different than with other men.
Met husband at 18, together 20+ years and only man I've been with and I love him. I have never cheated. Though was very close with coworker once ... very tempted, but did not. I am faithful and likely not willing to stray....though want too very badly. A friend warned me to raise it with my husband or drop it. Good friend.

I think of him often and he makes me weak. I have to be careful about our interactions, but find myself thinking and ready to check in with him (email) to ask when he is next in our area - but if I saw him... could be trouble.

Not sure what I am asking--Maybe I just want a mind fantasy? How turn it around.

OP, if it makes you feel any better, your husband has also developed intense crushes on other women and has fantasized about them during sex with you. All normal.

Do not be alone with your crush especially when drinking. Do not have intimate private email sessions with him. You are vulnerable to making a bad decision. In the event you decide you really want to find out what it's like to be with a man other than your husband, then do it as a ONS, but not with someone you already have feelings for. If you have sex with your crush, your feelings will only intensify and you won't be able to discuss your heartache with anyone since you are cheating.

Channel the sexual energy to your husband, he will be thrilled to see you so turned on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to say - It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.

Love this, and love that you talk to your mom about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I keep thinking and enjoying, but less fixation. But I am surprised how hard it can be.
What attracts me? If you saw him, you would NOT say say "oh wow, yes." You'd say "oh, ok. Wait, which guy again?"
His body is decent, nothing spectacular (similar response as mine and my husbands)
The fact is, he is a great listener and does so intensely....asks great follow-up questions, looks into my eyes as he listens, thoughtful. interesting ideas, attentive, Confident as he speaks, funny. Smart, curious.
He's married, sorta religious, likely would never cheat....and likely neither would I. Too much loss for the thrill of an evening or 30. minutes (though fantasy minutes much more!)

These characteristics also describe my husband !Which is all too say, my friend, dc urban mom. and my sister years ago (when it was my co worker) were correct: my fascination with another speaks to the disconnect with my own husband and our relationship.
Thanks for helping me remember.....fantasy and fixation likely better when less within my own real world......

He's coming in July, that possibility is stilll thrilling. But hopeful I will remember these thoughts. And will plan a meal of chili -- thanks!!@

This! This is what's dangerous, OP. Look, I fantasize about the occasional celebrity, but fantasizing about a real-life man who has attributes you desire and with whom you have contact can be bad news. I recommend boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

When women are attracted to someone beyond the physical, I think it's usually a pretty solid indicator that something is going on in the marriage. Maybe you're not miserable and your spouse is still a great guy, but some kind of need is not being met, and it's time to put the relationship under a microscope.

Good luck, OP. It sounds like you've got a grip on reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are NOT happily married because if you were you wouldn't even entertain the thought of having sex with another man. Save your thrill down there for your husband slutty.

I disagree. I'm happily married and have had the same feelings that the Op described. I also see the guy much more frequently than 3 times a year and know he has feelings for me. This is probably bad advice but it's worked for us - I've acknowledged to the guy that I have feelings for him but would never act on them. It gets the elephant out of the room and you then have told him straight out that you wouldn't cheat with him. It's safe for me but only if you really think you would act on it.

Agree. Meet the man for lunch and lay it all out on the table. Tell him you are very attracted to him and that he makes you feel a thrill. Let him know that although you fantasize about him, you are not going to let anything happen.

DO.NOT.DO.THIS.

Absolutely, do not do this. If you do this, you're fishing. You're hoping in your little heart of hearts that his response will be, "I'm attracted to you, too, and think about you all the time." It prolongs the fantasy. Disconnect and keep it professional. Don't talk about your private life at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks! Much less fixated and/or made it through that horny point in my cycle.

Playing with fire tip was good and I must be sure not to be near with him during that stage.

OP, what you really need to do to get this out of your system is to take this to the explicit forum and tell us all about these things you are fantasizing about. Would be cathartic, I am sure. ;-P

[Anonymous]

OP, I went there and it was not worth it. There was alcohol involved, which is definitely playing with fire, and so I barely even remember it. I woke up the next morning (business trip) hungover and guilty and miserable. Tension had been building for a long time and for some reason I let physical contact start, and it built. Shoulders touching at one happy hour, holding hands under the table at the next, kissing in a cab at the next. Then the business trip gave the real opportunity. I spent the next year having physical reactions in a BAD way every time I thought about it, and thought about how hurt DH would be if he ever found out. Once you start down the slippery slope, you have to be pretty strong willed to stop. Much better not to start, ever. Fantasies in the comfort of your own home and that's IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are young, you are supposed to sow some wild oats prior to settling down.

What a load of bullshit.

It's bullshit for women. MEN are expected to sow wild oats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are young, you are supposed to sow some wild oats prior to settling down.

What a load of bullshit.

It's bullshit for women. MEN are expected to sow wild oats.

Everyone needs to sow those oats.