Married but fantasizing about another man - advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are NOT happily married because if you were you wouldn't even entertain the thought of having sex with another man. Save your thrill down there for your husband slutty.

I disagree. I'm happily married and have had the same feelings that the Op described. I also see the guy much more frequently than 3 times a year and know he has feelings for me. This is probably bad advice but it's worked for us - I've acknowledged to the guy that I have feelings for him but would never act on them. It gets the elephant out of the room and you then have told him straight out that you wouldn't cheat with him. It's safe for me but only if you really think you would act on it.

As a man, you sent mixed messages. You left the door open for him to continue pursuit of you. Even if you don't 'intend' on cheating, you certainly left that end point dangling. Classic manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are NOT happily married because if you were you wouldn't even entertain the thought of having sex with another man. Save your thrill down there for your husband slutty.

I disagree. I'm happily married and have had the same feelings that the Op described. I also see the guy much more frequently than 3 times a year and know he has feelings for me. This is probably bad advice but it's worked for us - I've acknowledged to the guy that I have feelings for him but would never act on them. It gets the elephant out of the room and you then have told him straight out that you wouldn't cheat with him. It's safe for me but only if you really think you would act on it.

As a man, you sent mixed messages. You left the door open for him to continue pursuit of you. Even if you don't 'intend' on cheating, you certainly left that end point dangling. Classic manipulation.

I'm the PP that you quoted and you are right. I didn't really realize it at the time but I think I was egging it on for attention and the whole thing blew up. No affair, but no more friendship. Just a 6 month blip of way too much energy expended on a guy who wanted me to blow up my entire family for a ONS with him. Someone of strong character wouldn't want you to do this, and this is definitely not him. I appreciate my DH even more these days, and have learned my lesson. Please stay strong - one day soon you will see that it's totally not worth it. And thanks PP for your honest perspective!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are young, you are supposed to sow some wild oats prior to settling down.

What a load of bullshit.

It's bullshit for women. MEN are expected to sow wild oats.

Everyone needs to sow those oats.

I don't think one has to do with the other. People who cheat do it because they are trying to live in the present, not the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went there and it was not worth it. There was alcohol involved, which is definitely playing with fire, and so I barely even remember it. I woke up the next morning (business trip) hungover and guilty and miserable. Tension had been building for a long time and for some reason I let physical contact start, and it built. Shoulders touching at one happy hour, holding hands under the table at the next, kissing in a cab at the next. Then the business trip gave the real opportunity. I spent the next year having physical reactions in a BAD way every time I thought about it, and thought about how hurt DH would be if he ever found out. Once you start down the slippery slope, you have to be pretty strong willed to stop. Much better not to start, ever. Fantasies in the comfort of your own home and that's IT.

How did you stop once it started? How many times did you "get together" with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seeing someone you think is attractive is normal.

Fantasizing about how, when, where with executional details is a slippery slope towards readiness to have an affair. Affairs tend to be crimes of opportunity. Don't go there. You seem like a nice person, so it would be a shame to see you posting months from now " I don't know how it happened," after your marriage imploded.

Good luck, hopefully your reaction is the former so give yourself a break.

I agree, but I think there are 3 or 4 levels before affair.

1. He's hot (could be a friend's DH or a celeb or even a perfect stranger). Purely physical reaction. Normal, healthy even.
2. He's hot and I could just imagine doing x, y, z with him if I wasn't married. Normal. Unhealthy if obsessive.
3. He's hot and I wish I was with him instead of my DH. Not normal.
4. He's hot and I don't trust myself around him. Dangerous.

Once I got to #4 before I had to cut off a relationship. I miss my friend, but it would best for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar boat. My marriage is very strong. But there is something so sexually satisfying about feeling that attraction with someone else. For me it's a work colleague that I am extremely attracted to and have flirted with for years. We've had a few intimate moments that got as close as you can without anything else happening (not even kissing). It definitely messed with me emotionally and even though the last several times I've seen him this hasn't happened, I always wonder if it will and wish to feel that again. It's as though we both know there is a line that is not to be crossed and we respect that, though the passion is there and any casual touches are very electric and hot. But that's all. I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for more, but it's too much to risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are young, you are supposed to sow some wild oats prior to settling down.

What a load of bullshit.

It's bullshit for women. MEN are expected to sow wild oats.

Everyone needs to sow those oats.

I don't think one has to do with the other. People who cheat do it because they are trying to live in the present, not the past.

It's easier to become obsessed with cheating and make the fantasy much better than the reality would likely be if you don't know what you are missing. Sowing a few oats, for everyone, takes the edge off of the curiosity.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the solid advice! I was at that obsessing point and aware that if together in same space could have easily become phyiscal and dangerous stage. I knew this, but good to be reminded.
These responses helped me see it as fun fantasy gone too far, separate from the situation and reconnect with DH . White still fun fantasy, no longer obsessing.
Thank you all for helpful and sincere replies.

[Anonymous]

I bet this guy doesn't have to do any dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is much more than a mind fantasy OP.

I bet if this guy showed up at your bedside and you were alone, you would most definitely sleep with him. In a heartbeat.

You married young and have spent the majority of your life with only ONE person. When you are young, you are supposed to sow some wild oats prior to settling down. You never got that chance and now you are having some regrets. Plus, forty is not too far away and you do not want to miss out on anything.

I do not blame you.

I don't that you have to sow wild oats when you're young. Sometimes you get lucky and meet the right person for you early on. For most of us, it takes a little longer to meet the right one so when we think "Oh! It would have been such a mistake for me to marry that young!" We are speaking the truth. But if we had met the right one early on and only to take them for granted while we played the field and engaged in some oat sowing - that would be an awful thing to regret.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same boat, OP. Such a hot, physical attraction...but mine is for a stranger I see on a regular basis. We have never exchanged a word, but the looks are fire. I feel like if I even so much as grazed against him, I would implode. Didn't see him for a week, and was relieved the temptation was removed. Saw him again today...back on. Leaving it in the fantasy world for now since I am married with kids, but I get that undeniable, powerful physical connection you are experiencing. Try to fight it.

[Anonymous]

Is OP a man or woman?

[Anonymous]

OP: I was minutes away from slipping up on a work trip with a coworker. I've posted about it here before. I can tell you that you're on a very slippery slope. Don't be around him and alcahol at the same time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Happily married, but keep fantasizing about another man. I see this other man rarely (3x year) - but the last few times I saw him, I had VERY physical reaction down low and it was thrilling...very different than with other men.
Met husband at 18, together 20+ years and only man I've been with and I love him. I have never cheated. Though was very close with coworker once ... very tempted, but did not. I am faithful and likely not willing to stray....though want too very badly. A friend warned me to raise it with my husband or drop it. Good friend.

I think of him often and he makes me weak. I have to be careful about our interactions, but find myself thinking and ready to check in with him (email) to ask when he is next in our area - but if I saw him... could be trouble.

Not sure what I am asking--Maybe I just want a mind fantasy? How turn it around.

Stop fantasizing about another man. And stay away from him. What works when I lust for hot women is assuming they have an STD of which I would not tolerate (e.g. syphilis). That shuts those lust feelings down pretty quick.

[Anonymous]

PP so if they have an STD you would tolerate it's all good?

P PP are you the one who posts about the Italian colleague who placed your hand on his mutated member? Can you tell that story again?