Husband doesn't sit or eat with us for dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe not a deep answer here, but do you think his lack of interest in sitting down for a family dinner is because he is maybe lazy about having to cook dinner or clean up afterwards? He may be someone who does his work at work and then comes home and wants to do nothing but veg. If so, he may think that if he's not at the table, then he is off the hook for having to assemble the meal or help clean up after it. He also might see dinner time as his "me" time where the kid is occupied and being taken care of (by you) and he can do his own thing alone in another room.

Does he help with housework? Childcare? Does he have any other built in "alone time" during the day or evening? If not he may just have decided that dinner time will be his time out.

This is kind of what happens in my house. DS (3) wants to eat dinner as soon as he walks into the house, but I tend to get home only about 5-10 minutes before DH and DS. Not enough time for me to throw together dinner for everyone so DH sees it as "me time" while DS eats and I sit with DS. DH usually goes upstairs to change and then comes down and answers work emails at the kitchen island. Dinner involves 2 meals since I am a vegetarian who eats low carb and DH is a picky eater who is the opposite of a vegetarian. DS eats what's served, luckily. It would be so much easier if we all ate the same thing.

It is not optimal and I am actively trying to figure out ways to get us all at the table at the same time but I don't see it as DH being "checked out" since he does a lot of other child-related responsibilities. It is actually my New Years resolution to figure out a way to get us all at the table at the same time.

But if DH had made a promise to me in therapy that he'd work on sitting with the family and then didn't act on it, I'd be very disappointed. Is this the one issue or are there more?

[Anonymous]

OP again. So I don't think it's a reluctance to cook/clean up because I do all the cooking and cleaning (we botg work full time). I don't think it's the timing of the meal, since we all get home by 6 and dinner is at 6:30. He will sit on the couch with his ipad while my daughter (6) and I eat dinner. He typically eats his chips (which he buys, not me) while I am putting her to bed around 8:30. I think it sends her the message that dinner isn't really dinner because if she doesnt like what's served, she'll eat only a bite then ask for a snack before bed (my husband will then give her a snack although I think it's a poor habit, but we have fought this to death).

PP whi suggested an eating disorder may be onto something, but part of me thinks he just wants to do/eat what he feels like and his #1 pasttime is videos. I wish I had more insight into his desires/psychology around this but we only have counseling once a week and that tine is devoted to putting out fires between us

[Anonymous]

There are other issues - the division of housework/finances/taxes/school and playdate coordinating all fall on me. Financially we split bills although he earns 50% more, although whatever, that's fine. But the division of labor and the lack of parenting really get to me, and his tendency to anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my kids were much younger and had very early bedtimes (like going to bed at 6:30 or 6:45, toddler years) we did not eat together as a family because DH just got home too late from work. So kids ate at like 5:15 and then DH and I would eat at around 7. As they got older and DH's hours have been better we now eat together 95% of the time. It makes a really big difference and it's a nice (and sometimes frustrating but still overall enjoyable) way to connect with each other as a family. When DH is not home for dinner- right now this is rare- I sometimes make dinner for the kids only and eat what I want later so we don't all sit together- the kids eat together and I eat later or standing.
I think this helps kids connect with parents, yes, but so much more. They learn about food and eating, table manners, we learn about each other. Next year my DH will be starting a new position where he will travel and be gone M-TH nights for dinner and I'm dreading that but we will just make family dinners a priority F, Sa, and Sun nights as best we can.

DH has been traveling M-Th for three years. Unfortunately he's gotten more used to doing things on his own schedule and we rarely eat dinner together anymore. I"ll sit with DD and he'll have a drink and watch TV to unwind, or make himself a snack and then eat dinner two hours later. It is one of the many challenges caused by the m-th absence - he's gotten used to doing things on his own schedule. Be very clear from the beginning that family dinners are extremely important and don't waver.

[Anonymous]

OP here wanting to add that he is not a disengaged parent - he brushes her teeth and gives her baths and gives me a break if I need one, usually. But he has no sens of family routine and togetherness as being valuable.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband also refuses to eat dinner with us. In his case, honestly I think it's a kind of eating disorder - dinner was the only thing we fought about before we got married. He insisted that he didn't eat dinner. He came to the US as a refugee, and his family became very disordered and had very little money. He claims he never had an experience with "family meals" although he has a sibling who seems to have had a normal family life (but spend much of her life obese.) I grew up with a wonderful family where even weekday dinners were served by candlelight (something I hope to replicate once my youngest passes the age of being obsessed with blowing out candles.)

I sort of gave up the fight. I have a nice dinner with kids, and he does usually eat something as well, just often in another room. He is very engaged with family life, but it's like he lacks the food gene - he could eat cardboard or a gourmet meal or nothing at all, and it really wouldn't bother/excite him much one way or another. Our marriage isn't perfect or anything close to it, but I decided this wasn't going to be the hill I die on. Maybe it should be, but life is too short and people are too complicated for that.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP, that made me feel better and a little more hopeful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just me and my daughter 29 days out of 30. He eats chips in front of his ipad later in the evening.

How common is this? Dreading solo dining the rest of my life.

Why did you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just me and my daughter 29 days out of 30. He eats chips in front of his ipad later in the evening.

How common is this? Dreading solo dining the rest of my life.

Why did you marry him?

Her time machine probably wasn't working when she made the decision to marry him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you allow this, OP? I would throw out the chips and hide the iPad. It's disrespectful to you and your daughter.

Or maybe she could just tell him it bothers her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also wonder if you are eating late? Not that it excuses the behavior, but is he eating chips before dinner? If so, he may be hungry before dinner is prepared and doesn't feel like eating once it is on the table. Maybe moving dinner up a bit or a later lunch would help. Also, if he is busy with food prep he is less likely to be snacking before the meal. Does he ever help prepare dinner?

Good god he's not FIVE. Look, eating dinner as a family is the cultural norm here, late work hours, shift work, etc not withstanding. No grown man should be ignorant of that fact and if his family is sitting in the room eating and he's in the other room disengaged it's because he WANTS TO BE DISENGAGED in that moment. The chips and time of dinner are not the problems here. Christ.

[Anonymous]

This has been a problem for me as well. I think it comes down to issues with intimacy and feelings of vulnerability and respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We eat dinner as a family pretty much every night. It's the rule, not exception. There are nights when Dh is going out or not hungry and he will sit with us and snack on the dinner. But we always sit down together. Both Full time working parents, two kids.

We started this in Covid and it’s been wonderful. Prior, the kids ate earlier and we ate after they were in bed. Husband got home after their dinner time, sometimes right before bedtime. We grew apart during that time.

Since Covid we both WAH and eat dinner together just about every night. Teen sons- 15 and 17. Kids will go out with friends before or after dinner. Their sports practices start around 7:30pm do dinner is closer to 5-5:30pm. We are a tight-knit unit now.

[Anonymous]

Whoever is home eats dinner together, and it's a whole family dinner nearly every night. It's a ritual that feels really important to connection. If you haven't said it's important to you, do so.

[Anonymous]

My ex did this. We are divorced.