Husband doesn't sit or eat with us for dinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg I was just googling this to see how normal it is. My spouse does the same- eats in front of the tv while the rest of us eat. He’s so checked out.

Hasn’t anyone told him that’s rude?

The only people I know who do that are mentally ill and hate people or super old and take 2 hours to eat and don’t talk anymore.

Yeah, you say, "Time to come to the table."

LIke you do with children. WTAF is wrong with people. Also, what could possibly be on television that would be so interesting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe not a deep answer here, but do you think his lack of interest in sitting down for a family dinner is because he is maybe lazy about having to cook dinner or clean up afterwards? He may be someone who does his work at work and then comes home and wants to do nothing but veg. If so, he may think that if he's not at the table, then he is off the hook for having to assemble the meal or help clean up after it. He also might see dinner time as his "me" time where the kid is occupied and being taken care of (by you) and he can do his own thing alone in another room.

Does he help with housework? Childcare? Does he have any other built in "alone time" during the day or evening? If not he may just have decided that dinner time will be his time out.

+1 I would wager he just can’t be bothered with the prep and mess and wants to disconnect. He probably drives through fast food on his way home and isn’t hungry. The person that mentioned her BIL and picky eating may have a point- it’s unlikely OP’s husband has a diverse palate or much respect for food or his health.

[Anonymous]

This is very important to eat together as a family. However while this tradition is still with us it is becoming less and less common especially with all the digital entertainment around us..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps he just doesn't realize how important this is to you OP.

Men can be quite clueless about things like this.

Why not talk to him directly and let him know that it is very important to you that he sits down with the family and eats dinner with you and the children every evening? If he knows it will mean something to you, he most likely will comply. I do not see why he wouldn't.

A lot of men are just too selfish, not too clueless about family.

How can a normal person think it's fine to not sit down with your family for dinner? It's one thing if you guys have no kids, but it's even more important if you do have kids.

Did he grow up in a broken home or something? Did he even want kids? Is he an otherwise engaged parent and spouse?

My silent, self absorbed spouse and father of one is so because he and his parents are all in the spectrum. They don’t care about sharing and conversating, so don’t.

Yet another spectrum detecting wife..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps he just doesn't realize how important this is to you OP.

Men can be quite clueless about things like this.

Why not talk to him directly and let him know that it is very important to you that he sits down with the family and eats dinner with you and the children every evening? If he knows it will mean something to you, he most likely will comply. I do not see why he wouldn't.

A lot of men are just too selfish, not too clueless about family.

How can a normal person think it's fine to not sit down with your family for dinner? It's one thing if you guys have no kids, but it's even more important if you do have kids.

Did he grow up in a broken home or something? Did he even want kids? Is he an otherwise engaged parent and spouse?

My silent, self absorbed spouse and father of one is so because he and his parents are all in the spectrum. They don’t care about sharing and conversating, so don’t.

Yet another spectrum detecting wife..

It ain't normal to not sit down for dinner.

[Anonymous]

This is not ok

[Anonymous]

The issue for us is timing. Ever since he started WFH, DH wants to eat dinner at 5pm (he'll make his own). My teenagers don't want to eat that early or aren't around then. So we compromise and eat together on weekends. It has worked out fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg I was just googling this to see how normal it is. My spouse does the same- eats in front of the tv while the rest of us eat. He’s so checked out.

Hasn’t anyone told him that’s rude?

The only people I know who do that are mentally ill and hate people or super old and take 2 hours to eat and don’t talk anymore.

Yes he is probably mentally ill. Well, he’s very rude at least. I constantly ask him why he is so rude all of the time but it has no effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here wanting to add that he is not a disengaged parent - he brushes her teeth and gives her baths and gives me a break if I need one, usually. But he has no sens of family routine and togetherness as being valuable.

OP my DH is like this but less extreme. He at least tends to other tasks in other places so it's a somewhat productive use of the time, sometimes.

From his parents I can see how it happens. They really just don't talk at all. So this idea of sitting and making conversation together as just a family norm, no that piece is missing. He is fine at a restaurant, socializing with others, etc. But not at home and it started pre-kids and frankly back then I would just watch TV with my dinner. It's a symptom of broader problems as always. But it is depressing and I wish it were better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very important to eat together as a family. However while this tradition is still with us it is becoming less and less common especially with all the digital entertainment around us..

+1. We still do but I'll be honest we have to drag our teens to the dinner table. They are just busy texting and so forth. Even DW she is into the texting crap as well now. Seems like everyone is just hooked to the devices now.

[Anonymous]

What a horrible father.There is actually scientific evidence of the importance of families sitting down together for dinner.

Your child will be out of the house before you know it. He is rejecting her by such choices. I would educate him about the impact of his actions.

Such a selfish man would hold ZERO appeal for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:guy here - Dinner time is just about the only time I can talk to my kids about their school day, social life, and talk to my DW about how her day was...etc. It's probably the most important time of the day. Sorry your DH is not helping.

You sound normal and mentally healthy.

OP’s kids are probably already damaged, from a psychological perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here. I had this issue with DW about eating breakfast together on weekends mornings. Turns out she had this idea we'd eat together and make pancakes and so on. Meanwhile, I wanted to sleep in since most nights (including Friday nights) I get to bed at 2am or later due to work. I just didn't realize this was important to her. Dinner I'm always there, just breakfasts are tough for me.

Working until 2 am is not healthy.

You need to fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe not a deep answer here, but do you think his lack of interest in sitting down for a family dinner is because he is maybe lazy about having to cook dinner or clean up afterwards? He may be someone who does his work at work and then comes home and wants to do nothing but veg. If so, he may think that if he's not at the table, then he is off the hook for having to assemble the meal or help clean up after it. He also might see dinner time as his "me" time where the kid is occupied and being taken care of (by you) and he can do his own thing alone in another room.

Does he help with housework? Childcare? Does he have any other built in "alone time" during the day or evening? If not he may just have decided that dinner time will be his time out.

This is kind of what happens in my house. DS (3) wants to eat dinner as soon as he walks into the house, but I tend to get home only about 5-10 minutes before DH and DS. Not enough time for me to throw together dinner for everyone so DH sees it as "me time" while DS eats and I sit with DS. DH usually goes upstairs to change and then comes down and answers work emails at the kitchen island. Dinner involves 2 meals since I am a vegetarian who eats low carb and DH is a picky eater who is the opposite of a vegetarian. DS eats what's served, luckily. It would be so much easier if we all ate the same thing.

It is not optimal and I am actively trying to figure out ways to get us all at the table at the same time but I don't see it as DH being "checked out" since he does a lot of other child-related responsibilities. It is actually my New Years resolution to figure out a way to get us all at the table at the same time.

But if DH had made a promise to me in therapy that he'd work on sitting with the family and then didn't act on it, I'd be very disappointed. Is this the one issue or are there more?

A parent does get “me time” during the first few hours after school they are seeing their child.

I will never understand why people who do not understand that a child’s needs should come before their own even have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my kids were much younger and had very early bedtimes (like going to bed at 6:30 or 6:45, toddler years) we did not eat together as a family because DH just got home too late from work. So kids ate at like 5:15 and then DH and I would eat at around 7. As they got older and DH's hours have been better we now eat together 95% of the time. It makes a really big difference and it's a nice (and sometimes frustrating but still overall enjoyable) way to connect with each other as a family. When DH is not home for dinner- right now this is rare- I sometimes make dinner for the kids only and eat what I want later so we don't all sit together- the kids eat together and I eat later or standing.
I think this helps kids connect with parents, yes, but so much more. They learn about food and eating, table manners, we learn about each other. Next year my DH will be starting a new position where he will travel and be gone M-TH nights for dinner and I'm dreading that but we will just make family dinners a priority F, Sa, and Sun nights as best we can.

DH has been traveling M-Th for three years. Unfortunately he's gotten more used to doing things on his own schedule and we rarely eat dinner together anymore. I"ll sit with DD and he'll have a drink and watch TV to unwind, or make himself a snack and then eat dinner two hours later. It is one of the many challenges caused by the m-th absence - he's gotten used to doing things on his own schedule. Be very clear from the beginning that family dinners are extremely important and don't waver.

You PP need to state that he can only continue traveling so much if he is all in when he is home (be present when he is present). Otherwise the cost to the family is too much.